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Original poster

To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

163 replies

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:50

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

OP posts:
Original poster
BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:51

Apologies title should have said CHEATED on her.

OP posts:
NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin · 10/11/2024 00:52

I know it’s a shit situation but it’s her circus and her monkeys. You don’t have to approve but it’s down to her I’m afraid. I have adult DC’s myself and this is the way it is I’m afraid.

Original poster
BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:54

I just can’t imagine having him over and not wanting to smash his face in. Having to have him over for dinner, at Christmas!

Her brothers feel the same!

OP posts:
NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin · 10/11/2024 00:57

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:54

I just can’t imagine having him over and not wanting to smash his face in. Having to have him over for dinner, at Christmas!

Her brothers feel the same!

I can see that -but what about in a few years time when they may have children together? You could risk not seeing them at all.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/11/2024 00:57

Nope. I wouldn’t.

Forgiveness can be the quickest route to being hurt again.

Ubugly · 10/11/2024 00:58

Ugh I would be raging to but young love and young people don’t see what we do down the line, I imagine I would have been the same at that age tbh but guess the more you say no you will push her away or lead to lies. I mean maybe it was a mistake or a one off who knows but you may have to grit your teeth then hopefully she sees sense soon and you can breathe a sigh of relief.

OAPapparently · 10/11/2024 01:01

I wouldn’t want him in the house either, but I think in this instance it’s best to keep your enemy close until she sees sense and hopefully dumps him.
If you are hostile towards him, it could make her just leave and stubbornly build a life with him full of regret.
Just be there for her. You are doing it for her, not him. You don’t want to make her feel isolated by making it difficult for her to talk to you about him.

twyst82 · 10/11/2024 01:03

I really feel for you Op, we were recently in a very similar situation but with a boyfriend who wasn't treating dd right (no cheating)
I couldn't believe that someone we had welcomed into our home was doing this to dd, we said he was no longer welcome at the house and even though we talked to dd loads she was determined she wanted to stay with him!
I completely backed off, told her when his name came up that I knew she deserved better and he wasn't the one for her but didn't push it.
She was convinced he had changed and would live happily ever after. Anyway long story short she told us out the blue a few weeks ago it was all over, she had seen the light and dumped him. I was delighted (though still played it cool, told her she'd made the right choice and I was proud of her for seeing her worth etc) but I really did not see the break up coming at all. Hopefully you will be the same with your dd. I was so worried that going forward it was going to push dd from us if we wanted nothing to do with her boyfriend.

FiveShelties · 10/11/2024 01:03

Don't make her pick between you.

HerBloodIsLikeLiquidFire · 10/11/2024 01:04

The more you take a hard line on this, even though clearly it's for her benefit, the more she'll end up pushing you away. She has to be free to make her own (even more) mistakes. But keep it pushed down so that she can feel secure in coming back to you for support if (when) it all blows up in her face again. I'd feel murderous too. That instinct makes you her ultimate protector. But she won't understand that for quite some time yet.

TH1NG1E · 10/11/2024 01:05

You're going to end up having her keeping everything from you because you don't trust her to make her own decisions. She's a grown up, let her be before she resents you.

redalex261 · 10/11/2024 01:12

@OAPapparently and @HerBloodIsLikeLiquidFire have summed it up. She’s taken him back and knows you think it’s a weakness. Unless you put in the (fake) acceptance of him there’s no chance she’ll discuss any worries or admit to any doubts. She will hang on and not want to face “I told you so” even if you wouldn’t say that.

TheDeepLemonHelper · 10/11/2024 01:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BeMintTraybake · 10/11/2024 01:20

Suck it up and play nice

I had an abusive boyfriend from 18 to 25. He was ( rightfully so ) excluded from my family / family occasions. Now I'm an adult, I get it, but as a teenager/ young women

It very much felt like it was ME being judged by my family, made it so I tried harder to keep up the pretence that everything was okay ( because I didnt want to face the I told you so ect ) and I didnt reach out for support when I needed it

Instead of it being a brief relationship, the lack of support + my own naive mindset, it ended up being 7 years and 2 babies.

Play nice and she will get bored of him quicker

Original poster
BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 01:59

I didn’t expect it would last this long tbh and I’m flabbergasted that it still is tbh.

We’re going to have to let him back in but that will just seem like condoning it and all the hurt he caused her tbh. She’s constantly on alert thinking he’s cheated again unsurprisingly which has led to rows and we’ve seen her in tears on many occasions.

She says all men do it and she’ll never trust another man anyway. Telling her plenty of men don’t including her Dad falls on deaf ears! I can’t get my head round her way of thinking and settling for this. I’ve never been cheated on to my knowledge but I know damn well that I couldn’t continue in the relationship especially so young and it’s not a foundation you can build a marriage and family on!

I’m quite cross sometimes that she’s put us in this position although I know that’s unfair to her to an extent. We had to deal with all the fallout afterwards which was horrendous and I can’t fathom why she’s putting herself through this. I could understand it perhaps if she had DC, financially dependent on him, no support or a big family and friends to put her straight but everyone is horrified that’s she still with him.

He was very much included before this happened, popped over all the time, had dinner, came out with us etc. Have not seen him since. He wants to see us to apologise but I don’t want an apology, he did it to her not us, I want him gone!

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 10/11/2024 02:06

Your house your rules. I certainly wouldn't have the cheating bastard in my house

NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin · 10/11/2024 02:09

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 01:59

I didn’t expect it would last this long tbh and I’m flabbergasted that it still is tbh.

We’re going to have to let him back in but that will just seem like condoning it and all the hurt he caused her tbh. She’s constantly on alert thinking he’s cheated again unsurprisingly which has led to rows and we’ve seen her in tears on many occasions.

She says all men do it and she’ll never trust another man anyway. Telling her plenty of men don’t including her Dad falls on deaf ears! I can’t get my head round her way of thinking and settling for this. I’ve never been cheated on to my knowledge but I know damn well that I couldn’t continue in the relationship especially so young and it’s not a foundation you can build a marriage and family on!

I’m quite cross sometimes that she’s put us in this position although I know that’s unfair to her to an extent. We had to deal with all the fallout afterwards which was horrendous and I can’t fathom why she’s putting herself through this. I could understand it perhaps if she had DC, financially dependent on him, no support or a big family and friends to put her straight but everyone is horrified that’s she still with him.

He was very much included before this happened, popped over all the time, had dinner, came out with us etc. Have not seen him since. He wants to see us to apologise but I don’t want an apology, he did it to her not us, I want him gone!

All men certainly don’t do it, I’ve never and I’m 47M despite plenty of opportunities so it’s sad she thinks that way. I hope this was a one off on his side or he shows his true colours and she sees it and drops him like the proverbial hit potato. ATB.

Caerulea · 10/11/2024 03:07

Saw this today & it made me laugh.

Praps just be candid with her & find a whole slew of funnies & memes like this one & share them, sporadically, in the family chat.

To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o
ChiefEverythingOfficer · 10/11/2024 03:11

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:50

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

Haven't read the thread, but this is not your battle. It's hers. She will choose him if you force her hand.

You have made your point - excluding him is now punishing her, seems counter intuitive.

Tandora · 10/11/2024 03:15

Hi OP, this is your DDs decision; it is her relationship not yours.
Also- They are young and people make mistakes .
If stuff becomes a pattern then you might want to have a think about what you can do to help your DD, but as it is I really think you have to let this one go and move on.

Edingril · 10/11/2024 03:22

So he treats her badly and controls her and she puts up with it, now you are trying to control her and make her think the way you have decided she needs her.

Maybe she needs to think for herself?

Bippy2024 · 10/11/2024 03:33

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:50

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

So very sorry she is choosing to stay with a cheating twat. If you can't stomach him, that's that, can't be changed.

But try not to bring him up at all to your daughter, just enjoy time with her when you can and make it clear SHE is always welcome in your home.

Onelifeonly · 10/11/2024 04:45

I think you need to respect your dd, not potentially push her away. She knows what your view is. One day she may see the light, maybe not. But she will always need your support so don't make her feel that she doesn't have it.

TheKoalaWhoCould · 10/11/2024 05:06

We had this exact same situation with my DSis when we were teenagers. My DF played it like a master.

He made no overt complaint about the boyfriend, but would breezily bring up the fact that he was cheating twat at every possible opportunity. At family dinner: “so, ScumbagBoyfriend, how’s your week been? Accidentally had sex with anyone new this week?” Swiftly opening the door to any room the boyfriend was in: “Hello, ScumbagBoyfriend! Just wanted to check it was Koala’sSister in here with you - after all, we never know with you!”

The boyfriend was so unnerved he stopped coming to our house altogether, and then ghosted DSis not long after Grin

Persianpaws · 10/11/2024 05:18

You are just making it more difficult for her to come to you when she has any problems or doubts. She’s waiting to be proved wrong about him and “I told you so”. If you pretend to accept him then she doesn’t have to keep up the act of trying to convince everyone (including herself) that she’s happy.

You should focus on your relationship with your daughter and accept her boyfriend for her sake, taking a stand against him is just going to make your relationship difficult and she might dig her heels in harder.

You don’t have to roll out a red carpet but tolerate him and hide your feelings till he shows his true colours. He might surprise you and might have realised what he stood to lose after cheating, you obviously feel very strongly about it but when you are head over heels in love it makes you more forgiving, your daughter clearly loves him to be as devastated as she was and to take him back.