To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

[BusyOnMyPhone]

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

FWIW the fastest way to force them together is to be like this.

Once a cheat, always a cheat and he will screw up again in the end. Be there to support her when he does but given their age and the circumstances this doesnt feel like it has much in the way of long term legs. Be as neutral as you can and in the end it will die... On the other hand, if you make a big deal of this it will just force them together

You know the saying... Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Short term pain, hopefully longer term gain. A leopard can't change it's spots.

Right now, he's "only" a cheat.

If you hold your ground and refuse to be around him, she's going to spend more and more time not around you because she'll be with him. That could end up with him isolating her from you and behaving even worse, knowing she doesn't feel able to talk to her support network.

I'd grin and bear it, and I'd work on boosting her confidence in the hope that she works out for herself soon that she can do better than a loser like that...

Bide your time. I hate him too, and I haven't even met him. But you have to be smart about how you interact with him, for her sake.

Maybe have him round and have the conversation it's on the table then. You don't want your DC to distance herself as if something did happen again or she got pregnant she may not tell you or cut you off.

I have young adult children too. I think you are over involved here and it’s her life. I don’t believe the once a cheater, always a cheater though. I think people can regret something and not do it again.

You are very invested in another adult's life. My daughter in her early 20s lives away from home and what she does and who she chooses to be with is none of my business. Let her choose and be loving and supportive for her. That's it. Find something else to think about.

Tell her about chumplady.com. If the good folks there can't smarten her up about this loser, nobody can.
I feel for you. What a position to be in. YANBU to resent including him.

I also had a shitbag boyfriend when I was young. I hid stuff from my parents so they wouldn't hate him....

If my parents pushed him out I would have pushed further away too. Sad but true.

In your shoes I would yell my daughter that I will tolerate him but he has hurt my baby and he can't change that.

I would also get her some therapy as she needs someone not involved to really talk to

Your daughter is already keeping her relationship quiet and will feel unable to talk to you about any issues because, as others have said, she fears the ‘I told you so’. This may inadvertently keep her in the relationship longer because she doesn’t want to admit it has gone wrong. She is an adult and you have to let her make her own mistakes, thus isn’t for you to decide. She will find her way and she will be ok. You have to find away to forgive or pretend to forgive, everyone deserves a second chance.

She is right in saying a lot of men cheat. Myself and all my friends have been cheated on. He’s a young guy too and they get carried away. I could never condone cheating but it doesn’t mean he is a bad person, he just did a bad thing. I suspect a lot men and women you know will have cheated when they were younger. I think when people are very young they don’t understand the impact until it has until afterwards.

Urgh what a vile piece of shit. I dont know OP - i dont know if i could ever get over someone who did that to my daughter, and i would absolutely want to dig a hole and crawl into it forever if my son ever did that.

bless you, OP so difficult I’ve been where you’re at,
my thought was have nothing to do with him. He’s a controlling abusive arsehole however having taken advice, keeping my child close to me and the conversation flowing not judging her but understanding and letting her make her own decision in her own time has paid off.
if you banned him from your house, it gives him more of an opportunity to isolate and control her. Keep your door open and your mouth shut would be my advice. She knows what you think.,
hopefully, she’ll come to her senses really soon but right now she needs you in her team. Don’t judge her. Just love her hard I
know
when she comes to her own realisation, she will hopefully not make such bad choices. It’s a life lesson stand by her side..

Up to her if she wants to be trampled all over by this cheater and she will accept living in constant fear of him doing it again, because as you well know he will. Doesn't mean you have to forgive him for hurting your DD. Doesn't mean you have to have him in your home. Just be there to pick up the pieces when he breaks her.

You’ve said yourself that your (justified) feelings towards him and your subsequent choice of action has led to her being secretive about her relationship with him. I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is whether this is what you want for her.

She seems to have chosen, for now at least, to stay with him. You can’t change that so all you can control is how you respond and the impact this has on your relationship with your daughter. I think given the potential for her to be badly hurt by this asshole in the future would make me inclined to appear more accepting in the short term, so that she knows she can talk to you and isn’t feeling torn or like she has to hide things from you.

It not your place to forgive him, your daughter has already done that.
its down to you to support her, and with that comes accepting that he is a part of her life.
of you don’t accept him now then you risk her choosing between the two of you or even choosing not to turn to you if he hurts her again.
both of which are shot situations.

Likely you being so against the relationship may also be pushing them together, them against you. Maybe if that wasn’t clouding her judgement she may see things for what they are.

This is her choice, not yours. You need to take a step back. You don't have to like him, but you do have to be civil.

OP you're anger issues sound worrying if you want to "smash his face in". He hasn't physically abused her, he's cheated which isn't great and doesn't bode well for the future but unfortunately this stuff happens. In the majority of relationships at some point, it happens. I know I wouldn't forgive infidelity now from a partner but in the past at times I have and at times I have just ended things.

If I were you I would just take a step back at this point, you've made your views clear. He knows you don't approve of him but it's your daughter's decision to keep him in her life and all you should do is advise her and be a listening ear. Don't push her away.

What if you said he could come round for dinner with you, her dad and her two big brothers? I’m betting he wouldn’t dare come and so that could work to the benefit of her seeing what a prick he is.
if he does come, under no circumstances should you say it’s in the past but actually say to his face, we haven’t invited you before because you really hurt our daughter and then say nothing else. Let him fill the silence. You’ll get a measure of him then. But I’m willing to bet he won’t sit round a table for dinner with her dad and brothers. Then she may see him as the awkward one.

Oh no this is very tricky and so sad for her!
You can’t make her decisions for her and it is her life, but you can set boundaries around your life and your home so it would be completely understandable for you to say to your daughter ‘ok, if you decide to stay with him it’s up to you, we can’t agree but we’ll always be here to support you. However we can’t have him under our roof after what he’s done’. I think that’s fair. You’re entitled to feel comfortable in your own home. The worry is of course this will probably push her away and you’re less likely to be able to keep an eye on her. But she’s an adult and if she was living elsewhere you’d only know so much about her life anyway.
Young people can be impulsive and make mistakes and who knows maybe over time this will will prove to have been a horrible mistake and in future you’ll feel more able to tolerate or even accept him. That seems unlikely though. In which case you can only talk talk talk to her as much as you can and help her see she is worth more than him and hopefully she’ll see the light sooner rather than later

Definitely this. You say unforgivable, but she's obviously decided to forgive him. My parents never liked any of my boyfriends but put up with them for me.

You will risk alienating her and then you won't know what's going on. He may cheat again or he may not. Regardless of what is written on MN constantly, sometimes it IS just a one-off.

This might be a keep your enemies closer situation. If you alienate him and thus alienate your daughter somewhat, she may not turn to you if she needs your support. She mayeel fear an I told you so would be imminent and you want her to feel welcome and able to come to you when he almost inevitably fucks up again.

Accept him and show to your girl that it's her choice the more you resent him the more she would want to be with him.We don't want to eat uncovered leftovers we only crave what we can't get.She is too young eventually she would see it herself.

Tough one OP. You're right about him but unfortunately, you can't change DD's mind for her. She needs to come to her own conclusions. I think best to keep your DD close, and if that means letting him come to your home, then so be it. He's surely aware of your feelings so hopefully he'll keep his visits to the minimum. And I don't think it will be long until he's caught again so be patient. In the meantime, I'd be trying to introduce DD to someone who could turn her head.

You can have him round to your house but as another poster said..don't roll out the red carpet.
Be icily polite.Thats all

Think you need to grow up. You are not incharge of your DD so butt out. The more you have maligned him the more she will be for him. You cannot live her life for her. You need to get on with your lives and let her, as she is an adult get on with hers.