To be SO fucking hurt by this

[BelleSauvage9]

Just been at a birthday party for my nephew in laws partner. At the end of the night dp made a big point of telling nephew to get up in the morning with their kids (because he never does). Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not.

I expressed this to him. His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me. How the hell does being responsible for your own lie in make you feel valued and appreciated and cared for. I just despair :(

Thank you. Many years ago now - and I wondered if he’d genuinely forgotten!

💐

I used to have the same conversation with my DH. Don't bother now but it still hurts and irks me

I would post on the family group chat “oh you are so lucky DN’s DP!!! This is the downside of being a SAHM - I haven’t had a lie in since 2021 😂 Honestly can’t wait til dc2 starts school - once I’m back at work, you won’t catch me out of bed before 10am of a Saturday!”

Me and my husband split the early mornings and the days it's not my turn I rarely wake up. I always wake up on the days I'm responsible. You need to give him half of the weekends, and if his work allows half the week days too. You have to wake him up until he's adjusts to accepting it's his responsibility, then he should start to wake up himself. Get a good book. Enjoy some me time.

That all sounds like a fast track to being taken for granted tbh.

Just wake him up. I'd be awake when kids wake, wouldn't be able to sleep through it but at least then I can stay in bed. Don't lose yourself over wanting him to wake himself, just start waking him

@BelleSauvage9 that sounds absolutely ludicrous. You do all that and get tickles in return, are you serious?

This, this, and this again! And to have the cheek to gas light, when you called him out 😡

As a matter of principle wake him up one day each weekend; use the time to do something for you. He might not be so loose with his words next time!

Well, I never got a morning or night off and, after just over a year of this, I'd had enough. Over the next 6 months, I slowly pieced together that I'd been the victim of a covert narcissist and coercive control for 16 years. Unfortunately, lockdown and health issues trapped me with the b*st@rd for another 3 years but I got myself and our son out. This is what should await your DP, if he doesn't start valuing you. Get your needs met or get rid. It's that simple. Life is too short to waste years on a selfish c u next Tuesday.

It's a total cop out. I had this the other way round (I was the dad) ... I ended up actually leaving, once the kids had flown the nest. It was indicative of a whole range of extremely selfish behaviour.

Quite simple, just pragmatically go on strike on a few of your days off… how? explain in advance that childcare needs to be shared. Book a few days where he can babysit and you can take time out. Go see a film, spa, eat donuts, see friends, cycle, do whatever makes you happy. Like on the airplane, you need that oxygen mask first - then you are more able to help others. When you get your needs met, you won’t care what he said to whom.

My ex did the same, OP. Every morning I was the one to get up with our DS. Then one Sunday he got up before me (for his own reasons) and I overheard him calling his mum and telling her I was in bed and he was 'letting me have a lie in', sounding like he did it all the bloody time! 😡

This!
Also, if he needs help “waking up”, just give him a big kick and go back to sleep. Selfish A-hole.

“And no, I don't currently work.”

Yes you do, OP - 24/7. Please don’t underestimate the value of full-time parenting.

There is no such thing as a non-working mother.

Give him a kick in the nads, sure that'll wake him up. Even if you sit there scrolling your phone whilst he gets up it's still quality alone time away from the kids.

We have a general rule in the week of whoever hears the kids gets up with them. However we all have to be up by 7am and the kids generally a
wake 630-7 so it's not a lie in as such. More the first person gets breakfast on the table and the kettle on. The other showers/gets dressed first, we generally are about 50/50 on this. At the weekend I get the lay in on Saturday 90% of the time I'm awake at the same time as the kids. However I get a tea in bed and it's my time until I'm ready to move for DH to get ready to take the eldest to swimming. On Sundays it's DH's lie in and I shut the bedroom door and get on with our day until we hear him move about. Sometimes like today I am out for the weekend and away from home tonight. So we switched days and DH had the lie in today and I'll have it tomorrow.

To say that getting up early with young kids definitely needs to he split. Not only for fairness but for actual sanity. Personally I'd call him out every time he acts the perfect dad. He needs to do what he preaches

You are looking for a problem. If he us a total waste of space you should examine if you have a future together, if he is otherwise a good partner ask yourself of you might possibly have any faults. Its give and take in any relationship.

Noooooooo.

And sometimes there is more take and less give than there should be from one of the partners.

All partners try and make out to others what a great guy they are. When he said this to the nephew you should have laughed out loud and asked when was he going to start? Set his alarm without telling him.

When my wife and myself first moved in to our first place I asked her if she would wake me up because I would sleep through an earthquake. She tried everything but I would not stir until she tipped a jug of freezing water on me. Try that and see if it works.

Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not

Arguably the bigger issue is that he’s a shit dad. I’d have thought more often than not that selfish men don’t suddenly become selfless and considerate when children arrive on the scene. As the cliche goes “Women think/hope that men (after marriage) will change, but they don’t”.

Perhaps he doesnt like your bad language for a start, i would hate it.

Is it possible your hurt because he has the nerve to suggest someone does something that he never does, basically he’s a hypocrite.

So he asks you to wake him up, and yet you don't but say its his fault... He probably works all week too and is equally tired. Teach your kids to lay in would be the better idea. Our kids have been set from a young age, that half 8 is the earliest for a weekend and stuck to it from a young age, that way you both get a lay in!
Look for solutions rather than blaming..