To be SO fucking hurt by this

[BelleSauvage9]

Just been at a birthday party for my nephew in laws partner. At the end of the night dp made a big point of telling nephew to get up in the morning with their kids (because he never does). Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not.

I expressed this to him. His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me. How the hell does being responsible for your own lie in make you feel valued and appreciated and cared for. I just despair :(

Firstly thanks for the happy birthdays 😊

I'm just going to add a little to give a clearer picture as people have said about not having certain information.

• he leaves the house just before 7 and gets home at about 5:45
• he does a physical job that involves a fair bit of heavy lifting
• I have a degree
• I do all bedtimes as both dc2 and 3 breastfeed to sleep. Dc3 co sleeps, dc2 was co sleeping until very recently but we've moved house and she is now in her own bed
• dc2 breastfeeds before nap and bed, dc3 still breastfeeds quite a lot
• both dc2 and 3 are quite clingy to me. They're not too bad when I'm not there but if I'm in the house they typically always want me. Dc2 is a bit less so than dc3 and more willing for dp to do things for/with her. It is obviously unpleasant for dp to have kids screaming and trying to get to me when he tries to have them while I do something, but I think that won't change unless the effort is put in to getting them more okay with him taking over and he gives up pretty quick which I think isn't helping the situation.
• dp very rarely cooks or does housework, though he does all the diy. I do 99% of life admin (he pretty much only does the things that require him to do it - e.g stuff with his bank where they won't talk to me about his account)
• we do not live solely on his wages, we also get some universal credit
• dc2 is not in nursery, I have dc2 and 3 with me 24/7

I now can't remember if there was any more information I was going to add so will have a look and come back with anything else I think I've missed.

If you’re using benefits to help with your household income, you might want to think about getting married. You and your partner could qualify for tax credits, which would be pretty helpful! You seem really smart and genuine, but it sounds like there’s some miscommunication going on with your partner. Have a chat about it; it might help clear things up. It’d be a shame to let this situation make you unhappy or push you to leave. If talking doesn’t work out, you might want to consider figuring out how to support yourself. Just remember, you’ve got options!

It sounds like your husband has a pretty intense and physically hard job. I'm a mum too but even I can see maybe he's just tired.
You say the kids are clingy to you, but that's normal when your with them 24/7 and breastfeeding. That's not his fault. If you are in the house, he can't stop them coming to find you. They are young children, they don't understand.
Also if your co sleeping of course the baby is going to gravitate to you.
Was it planned to have 2 out of the 3 so close together? Is the second child 2 years old, as would be eligible for funded nursery hours which may take off some of the pressure.
Could you be suffering from postnatal depression and looking for someone to blame? Rather than dealing with the root cause

Brain surgeons get paid, paid holidays, pensions and support from colleagues and their hours are limited to allow for adequate rest. They have received extensive training, always have backup and are not making life or death decisions about their own family. It is a difficult job with clearly defined responsibilities which is well rewarded. Then there is being a SAHM. Whose labour you are so quick to discount as easy, less valuable labour. With such young children, OP’s Partner is only able to work full time because of OP’s labour at home. Her being at home makes everything else possible.

SAHM was the DEFAULT into the 50’s and 60’s when labour laws changed and to suggest it is a modern invention is ridiculous. When women began to work outside the home they were criticised for impacting their child’s development by moving away from traditional roles. So apparently SAHM or Working Mum women cannot win. This stigma continued well up to the end of the century. And to some extent exists today, particularly for single parents, with no alternative offered.

The profound level of ingnorance in suggesting that children with SEN are as a direct result of poor parenting is frankly offensive to all parents of SEN children. Link me to your studies and I’ll link you to mine.

@Workingmum13 we are engaged but getting married is obviously pretty expensive so has been on the back burner. Part of the problem is that I have tried to talk to him about these things in the past but he gets very defensive and it always just gets turned back on me and the conversation becomes about everything I do wrong (attack is the best form of defence I guess 🤷‍♀️).

This is the most intelligently dishonest response. I think I've ever read, and no point in the history of our species has women. Fifty per cent of the population worked at home; this never happened. Links to lack of education in mothers and outcomes for children are easily searchable. I was very precise. Of course, it's a modern invention. Where in English history before the 60s was that term used? To that point, it is precisely that period that saw the most significant divorce surge in history; those relationships should not be idealised. Sahm is, by definition, less valuable labour. The problem is you equate parenting to work. It's not; it's parenting. As you point out, paid work is structured and competitive, and you must work hard to get there. A sahm is not facing that, but her partner does and sees both. Urm, if you make life-and-death decisions 24/7, something is wrong. That's exactly what a brain surgeon does. The thingWhaterything possible for a brain surgeon is their ability; the surgery does not support their professional achievements. They are two people in a household working together; her job is not more challenging because you say so.

Getting married doesn't need to be expensive! A simple register office wedding is all you need. Right now you are very vulnerable.

I wonder if you two could get time away, even for a night. Tell him to forget the wedding, letsgo court house, tell him about tax incentives.

Op please think about this while baby is small. Have ypu got family suppprt.

I absolutely get that he is tired, which is why I leave him to lie in every weekend etc. why I do all the housework and life admin and so on. And I do feel that he should do a bit more around the house and with the children. But it's that my job isn't seen as valuable that gets me the most :( I work hard looking after our children (oh also no we absolutely did not plan 2 so close together, dc3 was a huge surprise and I was very very nervous about attempting to handle 2 so close in age, whereas dp was thrilled).

I am tired. I may not do a physical job but I am absolutely exhausted mentally and emotionally by caring for all 3 children and their needs and running a home. Especially with clingy children, that's really mentally difficult to deal with day in day out. And I feel unsupported in all but finances and I just don't think that's good enough. And it definitely doesn't make me feel loved and appreciated as a mother and partner. I really don't expect a lot, I don't. Just some support and the occasional demonstration of appreciation for the role I play in our lives.

I think your both tired. He may show his appreciation by providing for you. If thats not enough you should think about moving on. Providing for yourself and getting rid of someone who does not offer enough. From my perspective you are in a very tricky position id focus on that?

It sounds like you're both exhausted at the moment. The children will get easier, but I'd be upset if my husband went back for a lie in on my birthday when it's a weekend day and he could bring me a cup of tea. Do you love him? If things were less exhausting would the two of you enjoy weekends together?

As for SAHM and SEN, there may be a correlation but it's not necessarily causation. There isn't a childcare option, parents literally cannot work before they start school unless there is a family member who can provide childcare.

Before the sixties the term SAHM was subsumed into the term housewife. It was so ubiquitous there was no other word necessary, because a housewife was by default a SAHM so no need to differentiate: You got married, gave up work, set up house, had babies, raised children, kept house and serviced your working husband. At this point I’m thinking you have dipped into this thread from a parallel dimension. Nothing that you claim maps onto human history as we know it. I’m also baffled why you leap to the conclusion that SAHMs are uneducated. OP has a degree!! I was a SAHM for 5 years, I have 4 degrees! It is a truly bizarre assumption, born I suspect from disdain for others who made different choices to you.

Also FYI <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=www.unwomen.org/en/news/in-focus/csw61/redistribute-unpaid-work%23:~:text%3DUnpaid%2520care%2520and%2520domestic%2520work,fuel%2520is%2520growing%2520even%2520more.&sa=U&sqi=2&ved=2ahUKEwii--HzluSJAxVUW0EAHT_1NWYQFnoECBMQBQ&usg=AOvVaw06BWuyZ6eq1Qm8CxDuTfIk" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">unpaid domestic labour is estimated to contribute up to 39% of GDP - more than manufacturing, transport and commerce. So no, not less valuable to the economy just unpaid and so not valued by you.

No correlation is seen on sahm as a broad category. Studies focused on low-education SAHM, and it is crucial to make that distinction. Pretty comprehesive. In anycase im hoping op gets a break.

YANBU. My exH did this a lot. He made himself out to be an amazing caring husband. At home he was a total selfish mysoginistic man child.

I thought I was alone and going mad. After the divorce a few friends (all female) said they could see right through his performance.

Urm i didnt say anything about the op. Im responding to other people. I think its you that lives in a parellell universe. Women who could afford to not work would not of been a large percentage of society. People like you are the worst . It's you that doesn't recognise the work.Women have done 4 centuries outside of the home.Be cleaning cooking acting as maids.Working in factories?You are incredibly disrespectful of the sacrifices women have made for years. Also never said sahm were uneducated, your creating a fake narratice for no reason, other the to shame a women for giving another women work. Worst type of person.

Women in England have never en masse stayed at home—your middle-class arrogance beggars belief. I said explicitly that the idea that SAHM is the best choice for the family and children is not true. Specifically, SAHM with poor education has adverse child-rearing outcomes more so than an educated sahm. Why does this offend you? I think women like you look through the working women, specifically those working service roles. You understand that if one middle-class home had one lady of the house and seven women servants, it should demonstrate to you the ratio of working women who to not, come on.

Being a stay at home mum is not the same as working full time in a physical job as much as you like to think it is. Babies nap during the day, your not on the go all day long, you can take up free nursery hours if you so wish for a break, you can go to groups etc. I could understand if you are working too, but youve clearly said you are not working.
And given the children are with you all the time, that is why they are so clingy and makes it impossible for you partner to do any of the childcare.

I was shocked to find out how early the women in my family went into service. I hate when people erase them very the narratives. We love, in yorkshire, have been working out the house for cenutries. The thing that changed in the 1960 is tge jobs women could get. Grrr so angry about this.

Female Servants ( cooks, maids, cleaners) were not allowed to be married, female factory workers had more flexibility especially during the war, but when the men returned the women were sent home for the factories. Women have always been viewed as temporary workers, working for ‘pin money’ until they found a man, although some managed to hold on until they were pregnant.

He is working to feed and house his children. Of course childcare is 24/7 - when they are sleeping you can’t just go out and meet up with friends. You are legally and morally required to be present and responsible. By making him the hero you are making her his unpaid bang maid. I have a son, if he treated his wife, the mother of his children, this way I’d be disgusted and sad I hadn’t brought him up better.

Not round our way. Younger girls went in and out by 17 but if i recall older women were working as nannys cooks ect. Factory work started 18th cenutry for my lot to. Maybe regional variations.

Op has never said any of those vile things about her DP, not once. It's you who are projecting into her life. Again shes not unpaid his salary is her payment, do you not get this. Infact shes taken time to point out what he does. I think there some older bitter women on here determined to see someone blow there life.

Oh My the really is not being fair at all. Im so sorry you work so hard for your family and he isn't even appreciating you on your special day. That is so not fair. Hugs and complete sympathy. I was in hospital with my sick newborn in the NICU for my birthday this year and my husband rang me twice to yell at me about silly things and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. It hurt so much.