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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be SO fucking hurt by this

283 replies

BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 00:27

Just been at a birthday party for my nephew in laws partner. At the end of the night dp made a big point of telling nephew to get up in the morning with their kids (because he never does). Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not.

I expressed this to him. His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me. How the hell does being responsible for your own lie in make you feel valued and appreciated and cared for. I just despair :(

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 10/11/2024 02:15

Ah @BelleSauvage9 I get it.

He knows what makes a good relationship, but he doesn't do it.

YANBU.Sad

Notaurewhy · 10/11/2024 02:26

This. He obviously understands that the father should step up so take this opportunity,when you are both calm, to say "It was so good you set an example the other day for nephew. ll be up on x day which makes your day Y". When Y comes stay in bed, be somewhere else and don't get involved at all. Sometimes as mum's as think we can do it better and it undermines the dad position. I learnt very early that he needed to not have me hovering over him (still hard on some days and my DC are older now) , or I would get no respite from the constant thinking. When he has this great opportunity on Y day, do not react and I'm sure he will have it and it will give you a break. If he doesn't step on on Y day then you have bigger problems to solve.

Joystir59 · 10/11/2024 02:52

I think you are wrong- I think you must ask for that lie in and make sure it happens because YOU deserve it. Value yourself enough to just make him do it.

Bournetilly · 10/11/2024 03:06

It’s not what you want to do but I’d just wake him up to get up with them, even if you don’t go back to sleep you can stay in bed and let him deal with the kids.

Guest100 · 10/11/2024 03:12

I would bring the kids into bed with you every weekend. Make sure he wakes up too. And book a hotel just for yourself every now and then so you can sleep in.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 10/11/2024 03:13

Didn’t you laugh out loud when he said it? I would have, and come back with ‘when was the last time you did that?!’

What he said was no reflection on his thoughts on you, it’s all about him. Sounds like he doesn’t give anyone except him and his own ego a second thought. So you need to make it happen and stop putting barriers in place. If you want him to do it, make it happen. Unless the principle is more important for you than the lie in. In which case enjoy the stalemate.

rubeexxcube · 10/11/2024 03:15

Why do you get up?

Codlingmoths · 10/11/2024 03:23

I too would feel murderous but id be waking mine. Every morning until he got the hang of it on his own. He needs the practice then you can start sharing it. I am a firm believer in making the lazy approach the harder approach for these men. (And after waking him I’d laze in bed dreaming out it being 11am and there being nothing else on in my day)

ChiefEverythingOfficer · 10/11/2024 03:28

The mental load. It's a pile of shite.

I would be making him up a bed on the sofa and letting him know that until he can take responsibility for his children on equal terms then he can stay there.

Also, I would let your children know the night before that is what you are doing and tell them that Daddy will be doing breakfast - so to find him first thing as Mummy is having a lovely life in.

rubeexxcube · 10/11/2024 03:41

Ffs this thread, I could honestly weep. Wake him up? He’s a f ing grown man why do women tolerate this? Why?

Wasityoubecayse · 10/11/2024 03:52

Soooo are you saying this is the b8ggest issue in your marriage? Also what if he appreciate you in diffrent ways, is your way the only way? If im honest id be fuming inside if i was him, and think to myself well how does she appreciate me. but thats me overly logical.

Wasityoubecayse · 10/11/2024 03:54

The level of anger on this is wild unless this specfic issue is something more i cannot understsnd why he is beung described as an evil cunt CRAZY

Jifmicroliquid · 10/11/2024 03:55

Did you call him out in front of everyone? I don’t think I’d have been able to help myself.

gerispringer · 10/11/2024 04:27

I don’t understand why, if the kids are up making a noise, he needs an alarm clock. They obviously wake you up. I’d warn him that he’s getting up with the kids and definitely wake him- he’s probably pretending to sleep anyway. It doesn’t matter if you don’t go back to sleep - he can bring you a cup of tea. Enjoy your lie in

Seaweed42 · 10/11/2024 04:32

There's no point lying there and hoping he'll notice.
Have a rota. Decide the night before who gets up.
Ask for help rather than going down the 'oh I have to do everything around here' route. Then simmering with anger the rest of your life.

User37482 · 10/11/2024 04:34

I think he’s just trying to look good infront of the family. it’s not you or her, he’s a lazy sod and he’s trying to look like he’s not.

Dh has always had trouble waking up (has to set several alarms). I give him a shake and tell him to get up when DD is up on weekends, I can’t go back to sleep either so I get myself a cup of tea and read the newspaper. He has no problem with the sorting DD (he’s happy to, they have their own morning rhythm on the weekends) he just struggles with waking up, but given thats been the same pre kid I just roll with it. On the rare occasion when he does manage to wake up he quietly closes the bedroom door and lets me just sleep (I’ve woken up at 10 before) so he’s definitely not doing it on purpose.

I say this to explain that some people really do sleep extremely deeply, but it’s not an excuse to not do your bit. I used to feel really resentful about it, it gave me the rages that he can’t seem to get up without help. But it is what it is

Weirdly if she starts crying in the middle of the night he’s up like a shot and running to her room. The only alarm that gets through to his brain is DD crying…which is giving me an idea..

Franjipanl8r · 10/11/2024 04:35

I get what you’re saying but also I’d just jab him in the ribs and tell him to get up and bring you a coffee/tea in bed while he plays with the kids.

DH lets me lie in all the time but it’s more of a coffee in bed with a book scenario. I couldn’t be bothered worrying about who was actually sleeping the longer. If you have kids that need attention, you tend to just naturally wake early anyway IMO.

Ohhbaby · 10/11/2024 04:35

BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 00:51

There's probably some truth in the point you're making, though I wouldn't consider myself 'semi-martyr' about it. More just thinking to myself I won't ask him for anything because it doesn't mean anything if I have to ask for it I guess? Like I feel like asking him to show appreciation for me and giving me extra rest because I deserve it for everything I do for our family defeats the point of him bothering to do it because what I really want is to feel appreciated and asking for it doesn't make me feel that, him thinking it and making the effort off his own back is what will make me feel that. That feels a bit rambley but I hope you get my meaning

Show quote history

Obviously I think he should be able to do this without prompting on say a birthday etc.
But I once had this row with my husband.
I use to let my husband have a lie in on a Saturday or sunday morning and I thought I was really kind ( in the mean time he wasn't really clocking that I got up 2 hours before him and keeping the kids quiet, he just thought he woke up slightly after the rest of us)
Then I would lay there seething once a month of whatever thjnking why he NEVER returns the favour. And I'd honestly just feel so unappreciated! I mean I let him sleep in most days of the month. I went to bed late last night, I had a horrible night with the baby and he still does not get up when the kids wake up.
And when I told him all this he said 'i didn't know all this. I'd happily get up, just tell me hey darlin do you mind getting up, I'm knackered from being up with the baby last night.
Thing is I was building up this whole narrative of not being appreciated etc in my head and he was blissfully unaware that I made an effort to say let him sleep in or all the little things I did or the hard night I had.
And I did realise that it was a bit unfair. It was like me failing him on a test that he didn't even know he was taking. Because I didn't want him to get up every day, there was one day that it gets to me and I get so down and sad about it. But he didn't even know which day it was that I felt like this.

So know, ever so infrequently haha( because I really don't mind waking up with the kids) when the toddler toddles into our bed and says she's hungry or needs a wee I just say ' ooh darling do you mind if I have an extra hour this morning? Id really appreciate it".
And he always gets up happily.

Thing is I could get hung up on "he should know, he should be able to see I'm tired". ( Which is what I did for a long time) But it serves neither of us.
I know just ask and we're both happy

Ohhbaby · 10/11/2024 04:36

Now*🙈

Workiskilligme · 10/11/2024 04:42

Is there a reason you're not married?

Franjipanl8r · 10/11/2024 04:44

There's probably some truth in the point you're making, though I wouldn't consider myself 'semi-martyr' about it. More just thinking to myself I won't ask him for anything because it doesn't mean anything if I have to ask for it I guess?

Some people aren’t as socially aware. Me and DH are a bit like this. We do have to both spell out if each of us need a bit more attention but it isn’t because neither of us care.

Flowerrrr · 10/11/2024 04:49

Franjipanl8r · 10/11/2024 04:44

There's probably some truth in the point you're making, though I wouldn't consider myself 'semi-martyr' about it. More just thinking to myself I won't ask him for anything because it doesn't mean anything if I have to ask for it I guess?

Some people aren’t as socially aware. Me and DH are a bit like this. We do have to both spell out if each of us need a bit more attention but it isn’t because neither of us care.

He's socially aware enough to say it to his nephew though- he knows full well he should be getting up with his DC to give OP a lie in.

OP as you'll see people will make all sorts of excuses for lazy men, it's pathetic really! My ex was the same, even if I woke him up he'd then make a big show of being tired all day and I'd be fully awake by that point anyway, it wasn't worth it. My now DH isn't a selfish price and doesn't need to be told to do the bare minimum of being a decent partner, it makes such a difference to my life.

Alondra · 10/11/2024 05:29

You have a husband's problem. I'd be livid in your shoes but some men want to give the image of being caring and fully involved parents to family and strangers while they are the opposite at home.

As other posters have said, you have to get tougher with him. He won't put his alarm clock, so you wake him up, tell him to deal with the children and breakfast, then turn around and pretend to go to sleep again. If he doesn't want to hear you, you make sure you fully wake him up to give him instructions. If he tries to create a drama, you tell him it was his advice at his nephew's party.

Sometimes you need to pull up your bitch pants to get results. Being a self-martyr ends up with you doing all the work and him looking like a great parent to others.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/11/2024 05:33

Unfortunately OP, the time to address this was in the moment, with a disbelieving laugh and, "DP are you joking? You never, ever get up with the kids! I am always playing making breakfast and clearing up bloody Legos at 7am while you're in bed snoring merrily away!" in front of everyone.

Original poster
BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 05:34

Wasityoubecayse · 10/11/2024 03:52

Soooo are you saying this is the b8ggest issue in your marriage? Also what if he appreciate you in diffrent ways, is your way the only way? If im honest id be fuming inside if i was him, and think to myself well how does she appreciate me. but thats me overly logical.

Yeah I'd say not ever feeling appreciated or cared for is a pretty big problem for me.

I'm sorry but could you please explain why you'd be fuming if you were him?! I genuinely cannot understand why me feeling so hurt by his consideration for someone else's partners need for a lie in (let me just add here that they have 2 children and we have 3 and our 2 youngest have the same age gap as their 2, and they have more help with childcare - they just got back from a 3 day holiday without kids, I've not spent 1 night away from mine) without ever thinking I deserve one, is deserving of anger on his part?? I wasn't even angry with him, just really really hurt.

And I'm telling you I never feel appreciated for everything I do in our lives, I can't think of anything he does that is with the intention of making me feel that. So you'd have to ask him what he thinks he does to make me feel appreciated but I'm telling you I can't think of anything.

OP posts: