To be SO fucking hurt by this

[BelleSauvage9]

Just been at a birthday party for my nephew in laws partner. At the end of the night dp made a big point of telling nephew to get up in the morning with their kids (because he never does). Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not.

I expressed this to him. His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me. How the hell does being responsible for your own lie in make you feel valued and appreciated and cared for. I just despair :(

Exactly! No wonder OP is furious.

I have actually stopped doing many of my appreciative behaviours because I just don't feel appreciative much now due to his lack of team work and not making me feel appreciated 🤷‍♀️ it doesn't seem to have made him think that maybe that's because he's not behaving in a way that deserves appreciation.

But I suppose everyone's right that if he's not going to do it off his own back then I just have to force the issue. I just want to be with someone where I don't have to do that, and they make me feel valued without me having to demand it.

Also little painful this morning when nephews partner messaged on the family group chat saying that nephew had gotten up with the kids this morning and tagged dp. Really wanted to say something along the lines of 'wish someone would tell dp because apparently me telling him isn't good enough' but didn't want to be petty and make everyone uncomfortable

Tag them all back with that's more than lazy DH has ever done.

You could say sometime like
'Lucky you! I wonder what that's like 😅'

My XH used to work like husband of the year when anyone was watching. So if we had visitors he would wash up, cook, pay attention to the kids, all that. When it was just us, nope, he was too tired, too important to do anything around the house.

And it was the fact that he KNEW he ought to be doing these things (which is why he did them when we had visitors to see and remark on it) and yet didn't want to do them on a day to day basis that really eroded my feelings for him.

I was very tempted to write something along those lines but I knew it would 1. Really get his back up and we'd have a big row and 2. Make everyone else in the group chat feel very awkward

Honestly I would do this.

I’d have put a laughing emoji

if only DP would follow his own advice

I think you should wake him up.

Can i be honest i would consider leaving my sahm partner if any of this humilation started. I can work and support my kids. With or without my partner my situation will not change. I dont want to be married to someone who is this ungrateful. I want an adult who can communicate and supports both the finacial and house load. This is my idea of a nightmare relationship.

She’s “lucky” because nephew pulled his weight for one morning.

Bet the family group chat were frothing at the mouth over what a great dad he is.

You’re a better person than me because I would have been cackling away and calling him out to their faces. What BS telling the nephew he should get up. Did he tell him to set an alarm to do so too, or just expect him to understand that the kids being awake = him getting up of his own free will? What a joke. Call him out. On the spot. Every time. What a humongous hypocrite!

You want him to be someone he's not, OP. He simply doesn't see why he should wake up with the kids in order to give you a rest and show his appreciation. I don't think you can make him the sort of person who would behave spontaneously in that way, so all you can do is spell it out - tell him you need more rest, you're tired, it's not fair, is it, that one parent always does the early shift, and you'd like him to get up with the kids at least once a week, preferably more. If he finds it difficult, you'll set the alarm for him, but you'll be turning it off and snuggling back under the duvet. OK? Thank you.

I'd have put something along the lines of

'Well done DN, can you have a word with DH about getting up with our DC' smiley face, laughing emoji etc etc.

Yes, well said.

OP, you should have called him out on it, there and then. ‘So why don’t you let me have a lie in then?’

I called mine out in front of his parents when he told me that a colleague’s DW had had a mc so ‘of course’ he is taking the week off work.’ I said ‘ why of course? You didn’t for any of mine’. Awkward silence but no way was I letting that go.

OP, he's a selfish arse and unfortunately you tolerate it.
We teach people how to treat us.

So what if you are awake?
He gets up and you relax in bed.
I always woke up and dosed.
Husband brought up a coffee.
Bliss.
You are a martyr.
It's thankless.
Get him up one moring of the weekend irrespective of whether you will sleep or not.

There is something particularly odious about men who pretend to be good fathers in front of family.

Really ICKY.

Give him an alarm clock, lazy sod

In all seriousness, why do you do all that for someone that doesn't bother for you?

Hi op,

yeah he knows. Men should have a brain training before getting married seriously!!

here is what you do :
you put your own alarm clock and you offer yourself some me time and you let him wake him with the kids asking where is mum. You let him prep everything for their day and also their activity and you return home to a pissed of hubby that will not do forget to put their alarm clock again.

If you think he will divorce then maybe go slowly in prep this and actually pull the rug under his feet but in small amounts so that it isn’t 0—>100%
find one thing he will dislike and do it. That is just what he does with you and that might be enough for him to wake up and realise caring…goes both ways 🫣

Good luck 🌺

But how can he wake up if he's asleep without waking you up? He is literally asleep even if he sets an alarm that would wake you up ?

The kids will likely want you as that’s what they’re use to so it may not go smoothly right away but you have to start somewhere right. If you have to wake him, wake him and in a few weeks he will be use to it and the kids will too, they may even come into your room and demand Daddy make their breakfast every Saturday and Sunday so you could potentially be onto a winner 😂

That’s just abusive.
Would you tolerate a woman being treated like this?

@KnittyNell I’ve hardly suggested she flog him! This could be done in good humour, the point being that the whole situation is unfair and ridiculous!

It is bizarre that OP’s husband is making her responsible for waking him up at all, but especially bonkers that the reason for his waking up is to allow her to keep sleeping!!

Surely the solution is clear: given that he is not listening to reason and is putting his own needs above hers even on mothers day / her birthday and refusing to take responsibility for himself, wake him up in a manner that will discourage him from repeating this behaviour and blooming well wake himself up next time. I think this can be filed under ‘natural consequences’. He’s completely taking advantage of OP.

Good for you and I’m so sorry for your losses.

It makes me sick when some ppl only behave like empathetic human beings when that behaviour is modelled by someone they respect or gets group approval - so they realise that is the correct way to behave. It’s worse, like your husband, when they draw attention to this like they’ve always believed it and aren’t trying to gain decency points for themselves. If his colleague/ ppl at his work hadn’t said ‘of course he’ll be taking time off’ he probably wouldn’t have changed his mindset, or even given it another thought.

Pathetic virtue signalling and hypocrisy, I can see why you were hurt x