To be SO fucking hurt by this

[BelleSauvage9]

Just been at a birthday party for my nephew in laws partner. At the end of the night dp made a big point of telling nephew to get up in the morning with their kids (because he never does). Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not.

I expressed this to him. His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me. How the hell does being responsible for your own lie in make you feel valued and appreciated and cared for. I just despair :(

Happy birthday OP.

He's neither a good kind nor decent man.
It may take time, but I would make other plans for your future though it may well take a few years.
In the interim period, stop doing anything that benefits him in any way.

Detach and focus your energy on yourself and your children.
He's simply not worth the effort.

I certainly would be telling family and friends the truth about him.
No animosity, just the calm truth.

A selfish lazy arse.
Shit father, shit partner.
Mind yourself OP.
Keep family and friends close to you.

How is not being able to get back to sleep being unreasonable?

If she wasn't there he'd HAVE to get himself up - so best he starts now.

He is a grown man, yes?

What makes you think he loves and cares for her?

He can’t help not waking up
and yet he can wake up to go to work? He is not impaired, supporting his wife with caring for their children is just not a priority for him.
I’m not sure how the grammar/punctuation critique is helpful to be honest.

Don’t know where I read it but saw some advice which was dont say “…. For me”. So when you are asking partners/kids/ etc to do something - remove the personal element from it.

they need to do the task because it’s a task that needs doing, and they are part of the household.

our kids are grown up now but it’s made a massive difference with my OH. It’s now a simple “can you clear the kitchen pls” nothing else is said. He doesn’t feel he’s doing me a favour and I’m not emotionally invested in him doing it because he’s not doing it for ‘me’ he’s doing it because we share a home and that job needs doing.

might be worth a try OP

Because shes complaining about getting up with the kids and having to work essentially but she could stay through in the bedroom after shes woken him up and relax or if shes tired enough she'll fall back asleep.

Yeah a grown man who gets himself up for work 5 days a week. He's probably exhausted at the weekend and is looking forward to the 2 days he doesn't have to set an alarm.

If he wasn't there she'd have to financially support herself so she better start that now then if this is the battle shes going to pick.

Or they could have one morning a week each where they get a lie in. Honestly the reason men get away with crap like this and find it acceptable is because there are mugs like you who don't see an issue with it. Sad.

The phrase “misery loves company” should be applied to this situation. He asked you to wake him up and you should complied. So you saying you're already up is just giving him a free pass.

Ughh this reminds me of my Ex-H.

Let me get real: you are an unmarried, non-working mother, utterly reliant on one income, planning to leave because he does not show you in the specific way you have chosen to indicate love, which includes tea making. Yeah, as I said, this would not be a relationship I would stay in. Op the people on here are ggiving you terrible advice.

Also, FYI, unless you've given birth to a very unwell child, they should not be up 24/7 because they would die. SAHM is not, after a point, a 24/7 job; it's just not true. Op has an 18-month-old baby; this is extreme tiredness; her husband won't understand or see her load because SHE does not see his load or in any way support it. He can help with the ops job, but she can't help with his how is that fair?

a grown man who gets himself up for work 5 days a week. He's probably exhausted at the weekend and is looking forward to the 2 days he doesn't have to set an alarm.

And a woman who has to get up for the children 7 days a week. Doesn't that count as work?

So the only way she can stay at home is if he works 5 days a week, so yes she should pick up childcare, he shpuld pay for a weekend babysitter. They both should lie in. Or take a day each. But i cant understand how ypu can say he does nothing for the house. What the house he is working to pay for? Its like his contribution is meaningless and he should be grateful, why so un healthy.

In your position and knowing how deeply hurt, angered, and insulted you are, I'd think long and hard about just how much of the unpaid labour you perform in comparison to what he does. If you're expected to run the house, bring up the children, shoulder the administrative burden, regardless of whether you contribute positively financially, whilst he simply brings in a salary, is it the relationship you truly want? If he is weaponising incompetence with the old, "Oh, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it!", or "You're so much better at this than I am ... ", he has no motivation to change (he could have learnt to behave better at any point, but hasn't).

I don't think there are any easy answers to your situation; however, I do wish you all the best. You deserve the best.💐

This is one of the stupidest comments I've read on here, and that's saying something.

She is also getting up for work 5 days a week to parent alone while he is working outside the house. When are her two days off?

Did that make you feel powerful. I dont think it was. Kind of pathetic you cant engage in convo. Noone works 24/7 its obviously a lie a weird one. Children aleep, they go to school ect. Rather then using this to make out her husband is worthless, understand what he does do. To the poster above who said calculate unpaid labour its not unpaid, if you are living in a house wearing clothes eating food, this waa the payment for labour. You cannot be fully funded by another person then turn round and make out, the working person does nothing. I would tell my son leave, do not be taken for granted

I'm after reading your update and firstly let me say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" to you!!!

Next, just because he set an alarm, he made a half arsed attempt at looking after the kids this morning. You even said he didn't make it past the landing before one of them got clingy and wanted mummy.
He should have scooted that kid along with the others downstairs saying that mummy was having a lie on because it's her birthday. Let mummy sleep.
He didn't.
He didn't even try to.

This is verging (if it hasn't already taken a complete turn) into weaponised incompetence. When he tries to show that he does something and he doesn't either do it well or even at all, then you would say why didn't you do X or Y, then he complains but look I tried and you're still not happy. He'll turn his half arsed attempt back on you which is wrong.

I'd let him continue but the next time, I'd open the door, stand in the doorway and say to him "You need to bring X straight down stairs or they'll complain. Once they are down stairs, you need to occupy their attention, just as I have done so many many times for you."

Over time, it may get better but at the very least you'll have given it your best shot at levelling the playing field here.

Sending you lots of birthday greetings, and all the strength to power on!

I don't think people are making out that his contribution is worthless, but he has 3 children, he needs to grow up and be a decent partner and a father. If he was single with no children he would invariably still work full time, as is he probably actually does less around the house etc outside of work than he would as a single man, which is beyond pathetic. Paid employment is valuable, staying home with the children is valuable (affording 3 lots of childcare would be pricey let's be real); BOTH should get a lie in, both should support eachother.

I'm responding to those who are. People are saying he is lazy and useless, so leave him. It is nuts. I completely agree they both need to support each other. If he split up from his wife and went 50/50, his life would be unchanged, ultimately. Domestic labour is cheap, and he can always get that covered. I'm saying their parents and friends should be able to talk to each other, not hold, not set tests and be able to use an alarm. His costs include the OP so no, him being single would immdiatley make him finacially betterr off. This is an explosive way to approach a communication problem.

Actually my man would never get away with this as it isn't the status quo I've set. If I'm bothered about something I'd speak up before it becomes the norm. Not be a martyr and then get inside my own head that my husband doesn't care about me and that he's useless because of one tiny thing such as a lie in on the weekend. It's clearly at the point now here where one of her kids is so clingy with her in the morning that he was crying for his Mum this morning. That's not just his fault but hers as well as she should have noticed that sooner.

People forget relationships are about communication and there's no signs here that OP has properly tried to communicate this before it's got to a point where she's bitter about it. Put your foot down on things that are non negotiable or don't be in a relationship.

There's also so much about this situation we have no idea of such as what job does he do, how many hours is he actually working etc. Like my brother is a doctor, works about 50 hours a week in a stressful job and his wife doesn't so she does most of the childcare and he gets a lie in at the weekend and she has no problem with it as she appreciates his income , their nice house and that her husband does a hugely stressful job. OP seems to think husband contributes nothing which shows she can't see situations clearly as in what world is working full time to support your family not contributing.

How do you know she works more hours? You're assuming things as OP hasn't said he doesn't help after work or at the weekend. Also he may have a more stressful and demanding job than being a parent which lets be honest a lot of jobs are.

All shes said is that he has a lie in at the weekend so isn't the one to get up with the kids. That alone really isn't an issue.

Where has she said he does? What is more stressful than being 100% responsible for keeping small human beings alive, well and happy? When my children were small I was at home with them full time until school - having worked full time previously in a highly stressful job. I would have gladly sprinted out of the house to work to escape the unremitting responsibility of being a SAHM. As a parent, working full time to support your family is the bare minimum not a pass to get out of parenting your own children. Works full time 5 days a week, excellent that leaves 2 days to be a full time parent. If they are up, you are up.

@BelleSauvage9 - what worries me about your situation is that he seems to have no consideration for you and your needs. I don't know if this is due to extreme selfishness or because he simply doesn't value you and what you do for him and your family. Looking at your posts as an outsider, it seems that there is very little love left, and no sense that you are in this together.

You keep referring to him as your partner, which suggests that you are not married. As an unmarried mother who doesn't work outside the home you are quite vulnerable. In your shoes I'd think about the implications and formulate a plan to become less dependent on your partner. Just in case it gets to the point where you might want to end the relationship.

I don't know what to say when some equate being a brain surgeon to raising children. It's just not true. Again, her being a SAHM does not support the living, eating, and clothing aspects of parenting. Because she cannot afford to feed, clothe, or house herself or her children in even her current standard of living is shocking to me. You stayed at home because you wanted to, that's it. The only studies done on the impact of an SAHM mother on outcomes for children are shockingly bad. No one talks about it. The caveat hangs on the mother's education level; outcomes become more positive. Sahm is a recent thing and coincides with children being less happy, less independent, and more prone to SEN. I think we, as women and men, should really think about what is happening in our homes.

As I said previously you're assuming things to create a narrative. If he didnt help at all then I'm sure she would have said that but she hasn't. She's mentioned the weekend lie in as being the issue.
She's not 100% responsible as one kid is in school, one is in nursery so she's looking after one of her own children during the day 5 days a week then he's doing his bit when he's not at work as far as we know. It's not the same as a full time job, simple as.

Also at the end of the day these things should have been discussed when OP quit her job to be a parent. How childcare, housework etc will be split is an essential basic conversation to have and nobody seems to be focusing on that being the issue. Just saying OP is a victim and has no responsibilty in this situation and husband is rubbish without knowing half the facts isn't the answer here.