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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be SO fucking hurt by this

283 replies

BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 00:27

Just been at a birthday party for my nephew in laws partner. At the end of the night dp made a big point of telling nephew to get up in the morning with their kids (because he never does). Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not.

I expressed this to him. His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me. How the hell does being responsible for your own lie in make you feel valued and appreciated and cared for. I just despair :(

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 10/11/2024 00:30

Can you tell him to set his alarm once a week for before the kids are up, and play white noise next to your head so you're not disturbed? I would be hurt as well, because he's effectively saying you're not that important to make the effort for.

TheMotherSide · 10/11/2024 00:32

I feel you. Someone will be along to suggest ways of raising this with him, but tonight, I just despair at the unthinking, unfeeling vacuum that seems to occupy the frontal lobes of many spouses.

Ubugly · 10/11/2024 00:33

Trying to look like the big man perfect husband, making out he does that! Did you call him out? I would have and be seething to!

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 10/11/2024 00:36

I hear you, but also, why don’t you wake him? In a similar situation I generally wouldn’t go back to sleep, but at least I am not up and dealing with the kids breakfast time bickering etc. I think you are a semi-martyr tbh!

Original poster
BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 00:37

5475878237NC · 10/11/2024 00:30

Can you tell him to set his alarm once a week for before the kids are up, and play white noise next to your head so you're not disturbed? I would be hurt as well, because he's effectively saying you're not that important to make the effort for.

But this is part of the problem isn't it, why should I have to tell him to set his alarm?! If he cares about me and values my contribution to our household why can't he think for himself to set an alarm?? Why can't he think to himself 'she works really hard for our family, she must be tired, I'll make an effort tomorrow and get up with the kids, I best set my alarm to make sure I wake up'. Why is it MY responsibility to make him behave like an appreciative partner?!

OP posts:
Chandoswest · 10/11/2024 00:44

His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me.

Yes it's a cop out but hold him to it then, wake him up and then disappear back into bed. He's too thick or inconsiderate to take the initiative so this is the next best thing.

ExH used to pretend he was still asleep whilst I got our toddler up most mornings, did the whole morning routine. If I had a lie in then I would be met with complaints of tiredness, a reminder of the exact time he woke up and the need for him to go back to bed.

traintaker · 10/11/2024 00:45

YANBU I’d be bloody furious too.
You can’t make him less selfish unfortunately but you can make it bloody inconvenient for him.
Next time it’s a “lie in day” for you - wake him up good and proper, nice and early. 6am, or whenever the kids wake, whichever is soonest. Whip the covers off him, cold wet sponge, turf him onto the floor, whatever works. Then stay in bed till midday, at least.
He’ll wake himself up next time, for sure.

BellissimoGecko · 10/11/2024 00:47

But he plainly won't do this by himself, so you need to tell him!

And treat him like he teas you: if he burnt her up when it's his turn, do the same to him.

BellissimoGecko · 10/11/2024 00:49

Ffs, that should say

But he plainly won't do this by himself, so you need to tell him!

And treat him like he treats you: if he doesn't get up when it's his turn, do the same to him.

Then make plans to leave, if you have to...

Yoehxn · 10/11/2024 00:49

Sorry OP, this would make me feel really angry and hurt as well. and of course you shouldn’t have to tell him to set his alarm either.

Original poster
BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 00:51

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 10/11/2024 00:36

I hear you, but also, why don’t you wake him? In a similar situation I generally wouldn’t go back to sleep, but at least I am not up and dealing with the kids breakfast time bickering etc. I think you are a semi-martyr tbh!

There's probably some truth in the point you're making, though I wouldn't consider myself 'semi-martyr' about it. More just thinking to myself I won't ask him for anything because it doesn't mean anything if I have to ask for it I guess? Like I feel like asking him to show appreciation for me and giving me extra rest because I deserve it for everything I do for our family defeats the point of him bothering to do it because what I really want is to feel appreciated and asking for it doesn't make me feel that, him thinking it and making the effort off his own back is what will make me feel that. That feels a bit rambley but I hope you get my meaning

OP posts:
Yoehxn · 10/11/2024 00:55

@BelleSauvage9 i get what you mean - you want it to come from him, you want him to want to wake up, not to have to ask.

Sadly I can relate (obviously not to the specific situation, but to having to ask for appreciation even in cases where he obviously knows what the “right” thing to do is but just can’t be bothered).

5475878237NC · 10/11/2024 01:00

It isn't your responsibility. Bluntly, he isn't the man you want him to be. He's never, off his own initiative, going to treat you the way you wish.

Yupppp · 10/11/2024 01:01

I’d be homicidal alright, but rather than him thinking his nephew’s partner was worth the effort of getting up for and you aren’t, I think he was trying to sound like a top husband in front of other people.

letthemalldoone · 10/11/2024 01:06

He's a tit with double standards! Wake the fucker up on Saturday or Sunday every weekend. You can always go back to sleep. You need to stand up for yourself here. My H can be a fucking selfish pig but he always knew that I was getting a lie-in on one weekend morning!!

StillAtTheRestaurant · 10/11/2024 01:08

How can you have a nephew in law? Confused

Original poster
BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 01:13

StillAtTheRestaurant · 10/11/2024 01:08

How can you have a nephew in law? Confused

It seemed like the quickest and easiest way of saying my partner sister's son 🤷‍♀️ did you understand which family member I was referring to? Yes? Great, that was my intention 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 01:15

Yupppp · 10/11/2024 01:01

I’d be homicidal alright, but rather than him thinking his nephew’s partner was worth the effort of getting up for and you aren’t, I think he was trying to sound like a top husband in front of other people.

Yes I think you're right about this. He was also wonderful, a gem of a dad, at the party with our dc when he's generally average at best day to day

OP posts:
CrikeyMajikey · 10/11/2024 01:21

You absolutely must wake him
up and let him take the kids, don’t back down. He’s never going to do this under his own steam. It’s infuriating, my DH managed a team pre-covid wfh and allowed them to wfh 2 days a week while he went into the office as they had ‘young’ children - so did we!

Moonlightstars · 10/11/2024 01:25

Part of me feels for you the other half just is thinking what the fuck?
Why have you not just said get up you lazy fucker.Every other day. And then left him to it. He"s a chancer and a cunt.

welshmuma · 10/11/2024 01:35

Goes back to that saying...... "If he wanted to, he would"

However it's not a reflection on you and your worth , it's a reflection on his lack of effort and laziness X

AdviceNeeded2024 · 10/11/2024 01:37

BelleSauvage9 · 10/11/2024 00:51

There's probably some truth in the point you're making, though I wouldn't consider myself 'semi-martyr' about it. More just thinking to myself I won't ask him for anything because it doesn't mean anything if I have to ask for it I guess? Like I feel like asking him to show appreciation for me and giving me extra rest because I deserve it for everything I do for our family defeats the point of him bothering to do it because what I really want is to feel appreciated and asking for it doesn't make me feel that, him thinking it and making the effort off his own back is what will make me feel that. That feels a bit rambley but I hope you get my meaning

Show quote history

I 100% get where you’re coming from, I really do. You could ask, and when you tell him how you feel and get the inevitable response of ‘why don’t you just ask me’ or ‘why don’t you wake me up’ (after the endless excuses of why they haven’t done it, of course) it’s just not the same, the fact he doesn’t value you enough to think “I’ll set my alarm early tomorrow to sort the kids so she can have a lie in” then bring you a cup of tea in bed.

It’s these little things that really show how much someone cares and appreciates you, and when they don’t do it off their own back it FEELS that they don’t care. Might not be the whole truth but it just feels like they don’t care enough.

Not much advice other than having that conversation but I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from and I’d be equally hurt and fuming!

Sj07 · 10/11/2024 01:38

Totally understand your frustration. For him to have said this out loud to his nephew shows he knows that he should be doing it, but doesn't. That's hurtful. If he just didn't think about it then fine, but he's thought about it on some other woman's behalf. Whether that was just to make himself look like the big I am or not, who knows. But I'd be fuming too. And I'd definitely be saying to him, glad to see you've realised how hard it is being the one who gets up every morning I'm sure now you'll have your alarm set once a week (or whatever suits you) to make sure you're pulling your weight :)

Endoftheroad12345 · 10/11/2024 01:52

I would be enraged @BelleSauvage9 and would have said loudly at the party “DH are you for real? You literally never get up to our kids”

The hypocrisy and grandstanding for outsiders would infuriate me. Also the fact that he knows what a treat a sleep in is but doesn’t think to let you have one. Prick.

CatalinaLoo · 10/11/2024 02:11

Call his bluff. Wake him up EVERY single Saturday and Sunday. Take a Nytol and go back to sleep. Or read the news in bed. Either way - let him deal with the kids from now on.

Or take his phone and set a recurring alarm for every Saturday and Sunday. Job done.