To be SO fucking hurt by this

[BelleSauvage9]

Just been at a birthday party for my nephew in laws partner. At the end of the night dp made a big point of telling nephew to get up in the morning with their kids (because he never does). Dp NEVER gets up with our kids. Not on my birthday, mother's day, just never. I feel so unbelievably hurt that he thinks nephews partner is worth that effort and I, the mother of his children, his partner, the hub of our home, is not.

I expressed this to him. His response was that he tells me to wake him up. I've told him many times there's no point in doing that because if I'm awake enough to wake him, then I'm awake and I won't be able to go back to sleep. And it just feels like a bloody cop out, and puts the responsibility onto me. How the hell does being responsible for your own lie in make you feel valued and appreciated and cared for. I just despair :(

🙄

You cannot play relationship games if you haven't told the other player the rules.
In your mind, which you expect him to read 'because he cares about you', he should be anticipating your wishes and acting in certain ways.
He however, doesn't know this because the game, so far, has gone down a track. You've been bending the rules hoping that he will catch on and realise these are an odd set of rules (you doing the kids in the morning), but to date, he hasn't. Now you've seen someone else playing by the rules in your head and are pissed off.
Tell your partner the rules.

I probably would be kicking myself for not having found a way to call him out at the time. I know OP said she wouldn't do that. I also think if she had he probably would have come home seething about it and she would have had to deal with that too.

The fact that he realises it's a good think for his nephew's partner to have a lie in is positive. Many men wouldn't say that to their own family especially.

You just need to enforce things with him, as he is willing (as he should be) to do if himself.

He manages to wake up to go to work, so he can do this this.
Don't just stay there being resentful. Hold him to his word.

I agree with this.

And I would have called him out there and then in front of everyone with a loud ‘What???? You never do that! You just blissfully snore away whilst I get up. Every single morning. Even on Mother’s Day’.

I suggest you stop making him coffee from today! He probably does not even notice the thoughtful.kindnesses you extend to him and just takes them for granted. They should go in both directions!

@BelleSauvage9 , if you are waiting for him to step up and read your mind you'll be waiting a while.

Tell him what you want and what he can do about it.

I know its shite but men are a different species and sometimes they just need told.

So I assume he suddenly changed and became unappreciative after DC3 was born? Before that he was the perfect gent? Otherwise why did you have DC1 or any DC beyond this? Make it make sense!

WTF is a nephew in law?

I would have immediately said to DP "you want to practice what you preach matey, because you NEVER get up with your own kids".... and make sure everyone hears!
Don't even bother setting his alarm either, just give him a dig in the ribs when the kids are on the move and stay in bed........better still, tell the kids to wake Daddy up.
My ex was exactly the same, was useless in the delivery room, never did a night feed, never changed a nappy, never took the kids out on his own!

This is martyrdom in it's finest. They are simple creatures these menfolk . . . unless you spell it out they don't get it. Sometimes I think it's weaponised incompetence, other times I genuinely feel my husband hasn't a clue.

So . . . you need to spell it out. No more self sacrifice. You tell your partner what day your lie in is anc then stay in bed. Read, scroll, have a long bath and paint your nails but do f all with the kids. If they come to you, tell them go ask daddy. You need to stop placing your partner's needs on a pedestal. I get it, it's because he contributes financially to the household. But you need to know your worth and you need to explicitly tell him this too. The whole house would collapse without your contribution so stop giving the bloody best dinner bits to him!!!! You are important.

I don't think YOU value your contribution to your family so your partner doesn't either 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m 100% with you @BelleSauvage9.

Telling you that you should wake him is grossly missing the point.

He’s an adult. He can wake up himself. Does he wake up to get to work? What would he do if you were away for the weekend or if he were a lone parent? Presumably, he’d be able to wake himself up.

My ex expected me to be his manager. If I told him what to do by when, or gave him a list, he’d do it. But failed to take responsibility for anything on his own. I ended up getting worn down by it all. After a great deal of reflection, I decided I didn’t want that kind of relationship. I already had a high pressure job and three kids to manage, though the eldest was already starting to learn to be self-starting and take responsibility for himself.

I’ve recently had one of my kids say I have to tell him when I want him to wash up. I said, no, he’s a man now and men shouldn’t expect women to tell them what to do. He knows washing up needs doing, so he should do it. It’s what adults have to do.

What it comes down to is does your DP want to let you sleep in and rest on a fair basis or not? If he does, then he knows what he needs to do. If he doesn’t, then he’s selfish and inconsiderate. And, presumably, you’re not into guys like that.

A partner’s nephew

Why are you feisty on here yet seemingly very submissive with your husband?

So you do ALL of that for him and the only thing he does for you is a bit of foreplay?

Seriously, you need to speak up and demand more consideration and equality in your relationship. Demand the things you offer him in return.

At the moment, you're sitting back and literally treating him like a king, then moaning to random strangers that you don't want to have to ask for anything. Wake up call, you've chosen a partner who wont do things unless explicitly asked. He's not going to change so either you continue doing everything and lower your expectations, or you speak up and tell him to do things for you.

Oh, and at the party he was obviously trying to come across like husband on the year to your/his family which is comical. You should have called this out at the time "hang on, I've never had a lie in!". Don't allow it. And if you do allow it, take responsibility for allowing and enabling it.

I was thinking this - it wasn’t about her or you, it was about how this grandiose statement made him look. You should have looked astonished when he said this and said - “You never do!” I can understand you wouldn’t think to at the time bc you’d be so taken aback and you’d also run the risk of him reacting to being publicly humiliated but you could have maybe done it with faux humour. He sounds a right tosser.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Your post is so creepy and inappropriate.

Firstly... What is his day to day job?
If he is a manual labourer then he deserves the lie in...I mean working in construction or job where you standing for 12 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week.
But
If he is not a manual labourer
Then
Always treat men like kids
You have to tell him
They will play dumb and see how long they can get away with it for
So
You must play the game too
Set his alarm...and you have a lie in.
Some men will really play dumb too see how they can get out of things.
Be upfront. Be honest.
And
Learn the art of assertiveness
If you don't put yourself first dear, noone else will. No matter how many meals you have cooked for them.

You're being a martyr. Wake him up and stay firmly in bed. When he makes himself a coffee say "I'll have one too". Organise me time for yourself and say "ok I'm off out at 2 so you'll have the kids" etc. You are saying you shouldn't have to tell him, he should do these things without your saying. Well, yes, but he doesn't so don't then stay quiet and say "he never does these things". Tell him, keep telling him, keep doing it, and he'll get there.

You paint a very bleak picture of him, but yet you are still with him? I mean what can anyone really say when you are the one choosing him.

You really need to use your words and set some boundaries. Have you told him you want a lie in, or do you tell him there's no point staying in bed now you're awake? Our 2 kids are under 5 and usually wake before 6am, it doesnt take 2 adults to parent so at weekends we take turns to get up and the other one goes back to sleep. Communication is key, you need to talk about how you're feeling and what you want. I disagree with PP about him setting an alarm, you're almost certainly the most tired but with children that age, both of you are probably tired. No one should be getting up before the children but you should take turns getting up, he can work on getting up in a timely way and you can work on locking the door and ignoring any breakfast time chaos while you sleep / doomscroll / whatever doesn't involve you martying yourself. We've got 2 kids under 5, they always wake both of us, yesterday DH did breakfast, I went back to sleep, today it's my turn to get up. My husband is quietly thoughtful and at risk of sounding like an ungrateful cow, it's infuriating at times. He gives me the "best bits of dinner" but as we have different tastes, half the time I think the best bits are the bits he's taken for himself. Shock horror i also prefer to make my own coffee. If your DP doesn't appreciate what you're doing, stop doing it instead of turning it into some weird virtue partner top trumps game that your annoyed about winning.

He’s also taking credit that belongs to you. You do everything for those kids and he makes out like he does. The reality is the kids will know which of their parents fulfilled all their needs when they grow up. It will be there in your bond, not the one he has with them.

If he got up, would you rest?
It's a tricky one, this.

He was absolutely ridiculous to tell his nephew to do something he doesn't. No question, and it would have been brilliant if you could have addressed it then in a joky way but hindsight is 20:20.

I would maybe suggest having a conversation saying how that made you feel. Perhaps ask him does he realise how tired and unappreciated you feel, and suggest you plan to do nice things for eachother.

It's hard when life is busy to prioritise your partner but it's vital for a happy partnership. Ask him how he thinks you can both build healthy habits towards eachother.

There's no point in seething internally IMO. To have any hope of things getting better for you, shy of checking out of the relationship and moving on, you need to address this.

His actions once you have should tell you all you need to know.

I’d buy an alarm clock, and set it next to his bed, or shake him awake when the youngest wakes. After about a month, suggest Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is yours, would he like to swap weekly or keep the pattern.
10 am is lie in get up. TELL HIM.

Interesting that he chose this one thing that is a failure on his part to advise on. Indicates he knows its an issue and he knows its not right. Rather than be off down the path of imagining he thinks the other woman is worth it and you're not (which I think is a stretch, as lazy men are lazy regardless of the percieved worth of their partners) I'd go down the line of I'm glad we're agreed this is the right thing. How are we going to make certain this happens in our house on Saturday?

It isn't that he thinks the wife is more deserving than you, it's that he was performing in front of an audience, showing what a wonderful considerate partner he is, because obviously if he's telling nephew he must do his share and get up with the kids he must too-only you know he's a lazy selfish arse