to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

Why are you bringing an hypotetical to the OP's thread?

There was not a plane to catch, and even if it was, the OP's friend is an adult supposedly able to travel alone during a short journey. Life happens, work happens, emergencies happen...and adult people should be independent enough to travel on their own for a few short hours. They are not fucking children.

I've used a train on my own 3 times in my life.

1st time the train split at the station before my stop and I didn't realise until the doors had shut I ended up 10 miles away having to get off wait 30 minutes and then get another train back.

2nd time I was the only passenger boarding at a small station and was waiting for the doors to open, didn't realise you needed to press a button so nearly missed the train

3rd time was Manchester to south coast and I'd reserved a seat but the train carriage numbers were wrong due to a fault and I spent the journey worrying that the train would split again and I'd end up miles away from my destination 😂

So yes a friend cancelling last minute would stress me out, but I'd probably drive instead as I don't get lost doing 5 hour drives.

I'm not a nervous traveller and have travelled to Australia, America and Europe on my own but as someone who never uses trains I'm totally out of my comfort zone.

I think though that the OP bears some responsibility for not being clearer

It sounds like they discussed and agreed which trains to get together - the friend didn't make that up in her head

It would have been fine if the OP had said up front "would be nice to travel together but I am not sure what trains I will get, I will get an anytime ticket and if I can join you on the train you're booking, I will"

But it doesn't sound like that's how it unfolded. It sounds like she nodded along made arrangements and then said "oh actually see you there" which is quite different

I have no idea I'm not a psychiatrist. I know why I have issues with certain things but everyone will have their own reasons. What I will say and this is to everyone on this thread. You may not have struggles now but you will be amazed at how quick things can change. It starts of with a panic attack that theirs no reason for maybe hormonal maybe stress who knows this is your first panic attack so you think it's a heart attack and end up in a&e your embarrassed because you've just acted like that in public. You push it aside you feel fine and carry on with life and then it happens again so now your wary of where you go just incase it happens again so you stop going to certain places then your world gets smaller and smaller and before you know it you can't leave the house. So no im not shocked or surprised some adults act like this and no I don't think their pathetic or snowflakes. As I understand this can literally happen to anyone at anytime.

She is not necessarily scared. She thought that you had planned to travel with her because you had! You discussed which train to book and booked it. You then changed it. Its a bit like arranging to go for a coffee at x time and then later on saying I will come but six hours later. You were very thoughtless and rude. It is nothing to do with her capabilities which is how you are choosing to frame this and everything to do with you.

But op has known this friend for 25 years and had no idea she was a nervous traveller. So how can she possibly have been "unkind" to change (NOT cancel) her own journey? It's not "unkind" bloody nora that word is ridiculously over-used now.

But, in for a penny - YOU are unkind to criticise the op like this.

You're doing the same again. Getting stroppy with anyone who dares to disagree with you.

Your post said that you took long haul flights etc and were fine.

So what?

Can't you try a bit of empathy perhaps?

The OP clearly wasn't aware her friend had 'certain difficulties' which most people would assume you meant a physical disability.

The expectations of some people here that I should be their source of entertainment and support for 5 hours, irrespective of my own needs and wants, are exactly why I would be on a different train!

That's really weird. I reguarly travel down to London from Scotland on the train and enjoy the chance to sit and read a book, knit or do some work in peace. My mum - who is 80 - uses the train for long journeys to visit family and loves it because she books far enough in advance to get first class at a decent price.

A grown woman being too afraid to take a train journey by herself is very unusual.

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone.

@cansu - from the opening post.

Yeah I'd probably do the same as you, OP. Of course if I knew a friend had a mental health issue and needed help I would accompany her, but I wouldn't assume another adult woman needed this. I knew one woman who had this kind of disabling anxiety and would accompany her, no problem, but I'd say it's rare.

Yes absolutely wild isn't it that some people may look forward to spending time with their friend, and would be simply bananas to assume their friend was also looking forward to it. I wonder if people on here have real life friends sometimes 😂

IMHO you were unreasonable. I can understand why your friend’s upset.

If I’d planned to share a 5hr journey (with two changes) with a friend, I wouldn’t pull out at the last moment. And certainly not in such a flippant manner (e.g. ‘see you at the hotel’). I’d make sure I was reliable and get the train we’d planned to travel on. If something happened that made it impossible for me to make it, I’d be hugely apologetic to my friend, and be suggesting a solution, such as me offering to pay the extra for them to change their tickets. As I’m the one who’s being unreliable.

For me, the issue isn’t whether your friend doesn’t like travelling for 5 hours alone (for whatever reason). The issue is you let her down at the last moment and didn’t really seem to think it was a big deal. It’s flaky.

Your friend is being absolutely ridiculous.

God I love long train journeys on my own. I'd prefer it tbh.

I have a colleague who is the same though, we were booked on a training session recently and I told him I have a phobia of driving on motorways so will probably take the train and he said that's fine so long as we go together because he's scared he'll get on the wrong one 😂 we're both a bit pathetic I suppose but at least we communicated that clearly with each other.

@kiraric Yes, sounds like generally unclear communication and very different ideas about what's important!

I would previously have agreed, hence why I focussed on the ‘breaking a social engagement’ facet of the issue in my original replies but from a number of the posts on here, apparently it’s not that unusual at all. I guess it’s all what you are used to.

Not just that. I just can't believe some posts in this thread. It's like some posters are living in a fantasy world instead of real life.

Personally, I would summarise this expectation as ‘having a friend’. I’m quite happy to take the other person’s ’needs and wants’ into account but (silly me, obviously) when they make arrangements to spend time with me, I tend to assume they want to do so and have already considered whether our arrangements conflict with any opposing needs they may have.

It's fine to prefer train journeys by yourself, but why arrange something with a friend then? Just be honest at the outset.

Is there any specific factor that makes your friend anxious - eg disability, neurodiversity, survivor of sexual assault etc? Or perhaps travel g late at night? If so, I can see why she's anxious.

If not, she needs to just get on with it. I travel all over the place on my own and it's not a big deal.

No it's not. Just assume everyone has their own shit going on and nothing is meant in malice and it's easy.

Totally. I have in the past said to friends "look I haven't had any time to myself in ages, I am going to get a different train so I can just read my book for an hour and see you there" which my friends all understand.

But if I said I was going to travel with them, they would be annoyed if I flaked

I would have no problem travelling on a train alone at all and have done hundreds of times however I would have been privately slightly annoyed that we’d arranged to travel together and you’d changed your times but it wouldn’t have been a big enough deal to say anything about it.

I think you were rude. It’s just really inconsiderate to change your plans like that without even just rubbing it by her first. I’d be pretty pissed off with you too even though the actual train journey itself isn’t the problem.