to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

You don't understand the concept of "making a plan with a friend so the act of getting from A to B is actually some quality time for you to enjoy together" wow I genuinely feel sorry for you...

I’m married, and feel the same about any woman scared to do such things on her own - special circs, excepted, e.g. if she’d previously been assaulted on a train.

One that sticks in my mind was an OU course, many years ago, that had a week’s compulsory residential school. A woman who did it said she was very proud of herself for being so brave, because in over 20 years of marriage, she had never spent even one single night away from her dh. 😱

It's not the train journey. It's the 5 hours of time you committed to and then you've basically said you can't be arsed to honour that

I am now all the more convinced that you have recognised yourself in the OP. It’s quite funny that incoherent spluttering and personal insults are the only responses you can manage to the fact that many people think this sort of lack of consideration for a friend is rude.

Just a hint - most normal people would try reasoned argument and an explanation of why they think different. You went straight to personal insults - ‘unhinged’ followed by ‘gormless farting skittle’. I’m starting to wonder if you are the one who isn’t OK. You do realise this level of vitriol is very odd?

I'm wondering how old you both are.

You say you've known her for 25 years. You could both be 50 or 30.

I think you were in the wrong to change plans without talking to her first.
If your work is such that you have last minute deadlines, you should have warned her of that in advance.
If you were disorganised and just got behind schedule, that's your fault.

I also think there is no right or wrong here.

Some people are anxious about all kinds of things and they are allowed to be.
It doesn't mean they are a lesser person.

In your case here, there were train changes . That can sometimes be tricky if one train is late so the connection doesn't work out. Someone who is anxious about travelling alone could be worried about this.

The fact your friend went to great expense to travel with you shows she has a problem- maybe even bordering on a phobia- and you shouldn't judge her for that. Everyone has their Achilles heel over something.

You let her down, unless your work is so important that you were thrown something at the last minute that you simply had to do (and even then it was your problem to sort out around the current plans.)

Wow - @Stravaig - that's an incredible post by you!!!

many, many, many! people consider and enjoy the journey as part of the experience - not because they have 'needs'.

I'm curious about whah happens when you try to see other people's perspectives?

Right but that was a big thing for her so instead of being all..oh how odd you could have been great! See what else you can do independently. Her husband might be a controlling arse for all you knew

Your constantly amazed because your lucky that this isn't part of your life. I hope you cherish how blessed you are as poor mental health can hit anyone at anytime nobody is immune to it

I never even saw the woman. It was a comment I read online when thinking of doing that particular course.

I don't get the bus alone never mind a train and I don't drive. Husband gets trains and planes alone most weeks.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

How about feeling a bit of empathy and support, rather than derision?

One thing that sticks out on this thread is how uncompassionate some posters are.

Most people are a bit 'scared' of something where they feel less than comfortable on their own @SherlockHolmess

Just because you're not one of them doesn't mean anyone else is weird.

I have friends, who are on the face of it, outgoing and bubbly, travel all over the world, but who won't drive long distances alone or even drive on a motorway for any distance.

If someone feels uncomfortable on a train that involves a 5 hour trip and a change, we should feel compassionate not start saying WTF is wrong with them.

It's fine to make a plan to hang out on the same train together, and to make it a special part of the wedding experience.

However, first you have to ASK the other person if they want to hang out with you in this way, and they have to AGREE that sharing the journey with you on the same train is going to be a special mini event.

Otherwise you are just having a wee tantrum about something you made up in your head.

While the other person is focused on the practical logistics of getting to their destination, and perhaps looking forward to some daydreaming out the window or random chats with interesting strangers along the way.

I suppose a question though..and I'm not trying to be dismissive but why do so many adults now find perfectly ordinary things so overwhelmingly difficult? My DD can be quite hesitant about new things and I'm really trying to help her be a bit "braver" and self reliant. I don't want her to be an adult who can't get a train alone, or speak to a stranger in a shop or office, or raise a complaint. I don't want her to miss out on life or spend half of it worrying that X might happen when it probably won't. I do think we now have an astonishingly high level of this. The number of people who won't ask someone on a train to move their bag, let alone themselves if their in the wrong seat for instance. Life can be tricky enough without normal every day things being such a hurdle.

Haha yes that’s exactly want I would want from a train journey with a friend. I took snacks and drinks last time my mum and I went in to London.

I take the train to London for work all the time by myself, totally fine buts its work and not the same as a good catch up and a gossip on the way to a wedding - almost like the weekend had started early.

I do think you’re being a little unreasonable to not see her point at all.

Why are there over a million people not working since Covid because of mental health issues?

There are more MH issues than people realise.

I travel solo by train and plane (long haul) regularly for work do l would not think of anything of it.

So, unless you are aware that your friend has certain difficulties YANBU.

So your way is the only way is it?

Jolly good.

I expect you'd take that stance on anyone with a phobia, a MH issue, who lacks confidence, etc etc.

I think you should have made it clear at the start that you were buying a flexible ticket, and why, so that she could do the same. It seems like you held back information that was relevant to the shared plans ie that you didn't see it as a commitment more of a loose arrangement. I would have been really pissed off by your offhand attitude. A five hour trip is a long time and if we had agreed to do it together I would have wanted to know that it was in your mind that we might not do it together. If it had been less than an hour trip that's different but I would still have expected some acknowledgment and apology for the change of plan. I think if you had said to her 'I am really sorry but I am going to have to work tomorrow will you be ok going by yourself?' that would have demonstrated that you were still planning it together and taking her into account. But the unilateral nature of how you handled it would really piss me off.

How could I support someone I never even met? It’s not as if I made some derisive online comment to her at the time. My pp was just expressing my initial reaction to a woman who felt like that.

She did let her know. That’s why the friend was able to buy the replacement ticket.

Even after OP told her of the change of plan, OP (had she taken pity on her friend) could have gone back to the original train and plan because OP had a completely flexible ticket.

I think you meant “Without asking her permission?”.

Totally missing the point.

OP’s question is whether the majority of adults are fine travelling alone, in order for her to work out if it was unreasonable of her to assume that her friend would have no issue.

If the majority are fine, it’s a reasonable assumption to make. That’s all. It’s possible to make a reasonable assumption yet still turn out to be wrong.

No, they had an arrangement and for whatever reason the OP decided she needed to prioritise her work.

So she let her friend down.

If her work is so unpredictable, she ought to have told her friend in advance that this could happen.

Her friend chose tickets for a train together and couldn't change them.

I am single so I do travel on my own.

I get cross with a married colleague who is scared of travelling alone and does not know the first thing. I have often said what if (god forbid) your husband dies or cannot travel with you??

I often used to think that when women are on a tube and call ahead to a partner to pick them up. Ok it is nice if the partner does this but what if they split up/something happens to him??

Honestly! We are asked for an opinion, l give mine and l get shot down in flames. My way is not the only way, nor did l suggest it was. I also went on to add ”unless you are aware that your friend has certain difficulties”.

lt is difficult to make allowances for those who have phobias and confidence issues of which you ate not aware.