to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

Then you don't arrange to go on the same train. Simple

I think you were pretty rude.

You should have told her in advance you were buying a flexible ticket and that there was a chance you might change trains depending on your workload.

It's maybe not just about traveling alone, it's possibly about going to a wedding on her own and wanting that reassurance of a friend to chum with on the way there and check in with. She was probably looking forward to a catch up on the train - maybe share a bottle of Prosecco and now here she is on her own again.

@happinessischocolate but that's a great example of what I mean about people coping. The first one, ok you missed what were probably several announcements about the split train but you coped. It was inconvenient but you didn't die and got where you needed to be. The not knowing to a push a button is a good example though of, I dont know, just lack of observation? I mean, they're literally next to the door and lit up..did you just stare fixedly through the window and not look about you? I suppose this is what I mean about people growing up not learning these problem solving skills.

No-one is ever going to be able to taught what to do.in every scenario so kids need to be taught how to look for signs, listen for announcements, ask confidently and politely for help, look stuff up. Know how to navigate life with the knowledge you can fix it if things go wrong and then learn from it.

This

A fantasy world where we are considerate of our friends and expect them to be considerate of us?

If you think expecting a friend to not flake at the last minute is ‘living in a fantasy world’ I think that says a lot about either the way you treat people or the way you expect to be treated. If the former, maybe try thinking of other people a bit more. If the latter, maybe you should ask yourself why you put up with that sort of treatment.

Trying to be gentle about this, but it is really not anyone else's job to provide for your anxiety.

If you've known someone for 25 years and they're a friend and you've planned the 5 hour train journey, then changing plans and not including the friend is unkind.

Criticism? The OP asked for opinions and asked about their actions. Are we only allowed to post if we agree?

Personally I always consider how my actions affect other.

Dealing with urgent work rather than unnecessarily taking a particular train isn't "flaking". It's not as if OP reneged on, say, a pre-arranged social meeting, it's just a routine journey.

@traintaker I love travelling alone but would be pissed off if I'd arranged to travel with a friend and they cancelled and put me second to work.

If I'd agreed to travel with someone I'd be considering it a social arrangement.

The train journey is part of the event for a lot of people. Having a drink together, catching up etc. I'd be miffed if I was her but I wouldn't have bought a new ticket.

I've flown to Mexico and dubai solo and been fine and not nervous. I'm not an anxious traveller but if I'd arranged to travel with a friend and then they changed their mind I'd be disappointed because its not about the travel its about seeing my friend

All those saying its the social aspect...that may be true in general but seems not to be the case in this particular scenario. The friend said she rebooked the tickets due to be anxious, not because she wanted to catch up. I assume if the time together was a big thing they'd have discussed what to bring etc and presumably they didn't.

The OP didn't flake out on her friend. She had to take a different train because she had work to finish.

Some of you are creating a fake narrative to suit your own imagination instead of properly reading the OP's post and comment with a minimum of common sense.

Are you sure it’s the journey itself that’s the issue, rather than her being disappointed at not having your company? Perhaps she views the travelling itself, in company, as an enjoyable part of the whole event.

I don’t think I would have bought a new ticket as I would have felt too embarrassed at, in effect, being casually dumped, but I would have felt humiliated. You were showing you don’t value her company as much as she seems to value yours.

OP said it was work that needed to be done. She can't wait to ask her friend's permission for that. A work deadline triumphs traveling with a friend to a wedding.

The problems you have suffered would be entirely avoidable just by being alert to your surroundings. There would have been various announcements about which part of the split train you should go into to ensure you get to the right destination; had you heard those the first time you wouldn't have been worrying the second time, because the lack of announcements would have told you that train wasn't going to split. The button for opening the train door would have been lit up, and anyway when the doors didn't open immediately you must have realised you had to open one yourself?

To me a 5 hour trip to a wedding is not a ‘routine journey’. I see it as part of a ‘pre-arranged social event’ (the wedding) and, since weddings are usually busy occasions with lots of people, it’s the part of the event where I can spend 1:1 time with a close friend.

I get some other people don’t feel the same way but this thread shows that many people do.

I bet the 5 hours journey with her was "fun" then if she was miffed the whole time.

And she carried on her "miffness" throughout the whole wedding and 2 days away, AND the journey home? And even now??!

Sounds a tad...precious...

Exactly!

The fact I don’t agree with you does not mean I haven’t read the post properly, it means…..I don’t agree with you.

Another failure on your part to understand people may have different views on things to you and not be wrong?

I'd say it was bloody inconsiderate of you to cancel at the eleventh hour - not the act of a good friend in my book. Its not a question of it being no big deal to travel alone.You let her down.

Its a 5 hour journey with a couple of changes sitting in train stations alone so there is an element of vulnerability esp if its at night.

More than that, its just thoughtless for you to have 'realised' at the last minute that you had work to do.

I wouldnt have wasted money on another ticket but I would definitely take a different view of you after that. You let her down and regard it as no big deal.

I do it all the time and I have disability problems.
Just for ref for anyone else with disability, I use Passenger Assist ... Great service .... carries your luggage.

I like travelling by train and have done many long journeys alone. However I am still a bit of a nervous traveller and spend a fair bit of time before travelling going over the journey, making sure I know how much time I have to change, where each train is headed, what stops there are, bus and taxi options to and from the station etc. A last minute change would probably throw me a bit.
So whilst I think most adults would be fine travelling alone, I can easily see that some wouldn't be and that it would cause anxiety.

She’s being a bit silly. What’s scary about a train? 😵‍💫

Yanbu. She sounds unhinged.