to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

Or she’s hurt to realise someone she thought of as a close friend apparently didn’t see her the same way and was prepared to flake on her at the last minute?

The OP clearly doesn’t understand how her friend feels about things or she wouldn’t have been surprised by the friend’s reaction to the last minute change of arrangements so I suspect she’s an unreliable narrator as to the reasons for her friend being ‘off’ with her too.

For the avoidance of all doubt: Yes, the first paragraph is speculation and I have no idea how the friend actually feels. The problem is, from the OP’s posts, I don’t think she does either,

profusely apologising?

Re-arranging because of work commitments isn't flaking.

One of my best friends is 78 y.o, with mobility problems. She doesn't drive and goes everywhere by train. Once a year she travels long haul from Australia to Spain and has never had a problem. As you say, Passenger Assist is fabulous both in trains and planes.

She's always been an independent woman, never needing another adult to be her chaperone/expecting a friend to provide assistance and entertainment in a 5 hour train journey because of work or simply because something came up.

‘Needed to be done’ can mean anything. I have work on my desk that ‘needs to be done’. I’m not going to work this weekend / cancel my day off next week / stay until midnight to do it.

It could well mean ‘work it would be nice not to have hanging over my head when I leave’ not ‘OMG must be done or the business will collapse’.

Also, most jobs don’t suddenly go from ones where arrangements to leave at a given time can be set in stone to emergency! crisis! stay late at short notice! If the OP knew the arrangement was for them to travel together if she could manage it and if nothing more important came up she should have said so.

And in my view it absolutely is. If you have the sort of job that means you might need to break an arrangement at the last minute due to work, you need to tell people that and let them decide whether to risk it, not wait until the last minute to announce arrangements they think are solid aren’t going ahead then blame them for being upset.

If she is nervous about making a train journey alone that's her problem. You are not her support worker or her mother. This goes double if its not something she has mentioned although I get that she may not want to tell people. I have a similar issue with driving on motorways but if I have to change my plans because of this that is mine to manage and not the responsibility of my friends. I don't think you were unreasonable not to consider something that you didn't know. I would always buy a flexible ticket too because you only have to be held up by eg a traffic accident to lose the ticket. I can get your friend changing her ticket but that's on her too. Being miffed at you (and continuing to be miffed) because of something that you did not know about that is not your problem is plain silly.

Then I do think it’s on the anxious traveller to communicate that she needs a travel companion - or I think train companies will provide travel assistance.
Through work - is she ever expected to travel alone? Would she be unable to do this?

I think most people, if told an arrangement had to be cancelled due to work, would be disappointed but accept it like a grown up.

If you have the sort of job that means you might need to break an arrangement at the last minute due to work

In any senior role this goes without saying though, and in the OPs position I would expect my friend to understand that. It's not flaking, it's having responsibilities.

When I was in more junior and middle management roles I was generally able to leave on time unless a real crisis occurred. But in more senior positions you often have to work unexpectedly at short notice. That's part of the gig. All my friends know what I do for a living, most understand it, and all would definitely understand if I had to get a train a few hours later than planned. If their reaction was to be hurt or "off" with me I'd think this was really childish, and it would also illustrate a real misunderstanding of how some jobs work.
As for not wanting to get a train on her own - if this isn't about undisclosed additional needs then perhaps it's about having a very "small" world and limited experience of travel. It's all about perspective - to me, travelling to London or Edinburgh or Cardiff is easy because I do it for work all the time and I wouldn't give it a second thought. But to others unused to operating further than the local town they would probably see it as two or three different trains, several hours, connections, and a massive headache. And that's no criticism; when I was much younger and not as used to trains I wouldn't have been so confident either, but I would expect most people to gather confidence and experience with age (unless prevented by significant barriers?)

So no, you weren't unreasonable, OP. She was, if anything, as she assumed the train journey was a Big Thing (perhaps more like a shared international flight?) rather than a basic means of getting from A to B. If she is still sulking about it, that's just proof that she's very emotionally immature, which does also explain the fear of trains..!

Sure, but I’d also mentally make a note that the person in question is unreliable. It’s interesting that so many people think ‘but work’ is an excuse for flaking on prior arrangements. Surely most people know how their jobs work / the likelihood of work impinging on social events in advance?

In the situation described by the OP:

1. I’d expect our plans to be made on the basis of ‘unless something comes up’ - the OP didn’t do this.
2. I’d expect the OP to recognise she was changing set plans and apologise - no indication the OP did this.
3. If the OP didn’t bother to do either (1) or (2), I’d assume this said something about how close we are (or rather aren’t) and back off from the relationship.

I certainly wouldn’t change my ticket - the last thing I’d want to do is spend 5 hours on a train with someone who would treat me like this - but I travel a lot. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

@FeelinTwentySixPointTwo

Hmm sort of - so I have a senior role as do most of my friends. Sometimes there is a genuine crisis at work but for the most part, I think it's easier not harder at senior levels to plan in advance, delegate etc. All of us manage to make plans in advance and stick to them

And TBH the OP doesn't make it sound like this was a crisis. She realised a day in advance that she had more work on than she thought, sounds kinda like she could have got through it the night before or by making an easy start or by planning her work week better to begin with.

Surely most people know how their jobs work / the likelihood of work impinging on social events in advance?

If you are sufficiently senior, no. I could be cakes to fix someone else's problem, or have to write an "urgent" report any day, any time. This was not the case when I worked on the till in Tesco, obviously. So all jobs are different but, very generally, once you are above a certain level everyone's problem is your problem.

She realised a day in advance that she had more work on than she thought, sounds kinda like she could have got through it the night before or by making an easy start or by planning her work week better to begin with

Fair point. And it does depend on the sector too. Mine is one where senior positions can't easily just delegate, but absolutely appreciate in other sectors, you may not have to deal with things personally, and have junior managers to pass to.

In any senior role this goes without saying though, and in the OPs position I would expect my friend to understand that. It's not flaking, it's having responsibilities.

I wonder if this is less likely in an older friendship where people may not understand how other jobs work? I’m older and I have friends who do everything from working in a supermarket to a hospital consultant. I don’t have a clue how each person’s job works. I don’t have to. If the plans are tentative, my friends are adults. They use their words and say so.

When I was younger and a lot of my friends were ‘work friends’ it was much easier - we all had similar jobs with similar rules.

In this case, the friend might well have understood if the OP had said the plans were tentative - she could have arranged to go with someone else / bought a flexi ticket / arranged to drive.

The issue is surely that the OP didn’t say that, broke the arrangement at the last minute and is now attributing the most uncharitable emotion possible to her friend, describing her as ‘miffed’ (why not ‘hurt’ or ‘upset’?).

But you do know from what you have said - you know you might have to break a social engagement in a crisis.

I’m not saying a person will know specifically that 3 months after booking train tickets for that 3 month hence date, the head of finance will be caught shagging the head of HR who is married to a celebrity footballer so the whole thing is hitting the papers tomorrow (for the most far fetched scenario I can think of) but a person must know that they have the sort of job where in a crisis they may still be in the office sorting out the issue late into the night.

Of course not, disagree all you like! Ironic that you unkindly accuse the OP of being unkind though!

the head of finance will be caught shagging the head of HR who is married to a celebrity footballer so the whole thing is hitting the papers tomorrow

Oh my goodness, you work in my office don't you 😄

I think you let her down. She thought you were travelling together and you changed the plans without telling her. Not a very nice thing to do.

I think this is the crux of it. You made arrangements with a friend & then let her down very last minute & seem to think she's wrong for being upset & having a different viewpoint to you.

I have traveled to the other side of the world by myself, so solo travel doesn't faze me at all. But have all the people saying it's lovely to take a train by themselves actually traveled much by trains in the UK recently? I have experienced drunks behaving obnoxiously, loud arguments between passengers or between passengers and ticket inspectors, lengthy delays, people sitting in my reserved seat and refusing to move, trains so packed that I have had to stand for the whole (long) journey and, my particular bugbear, people playing music or watching stuff on their phones with no headphones.
Any or all of these things can be very stressful and for some people they're easier to cope with if you have company.

I travel by long distance train all the time and have encountered all of those problems and dealt with them in various ways by using my agency and common sense as an adult. Additional needs notwithstanding, none of those are so awful they can't be managed. Loud arguments about tickets are quite entertaining at times in fact.

Well, people are different and what one finds entertaining, another finds stressful. Neither is unreasonable.

No, but asking other people to change their arrangements to accommodate you might be if what you find stressful is a pretty normal, every day occurrance. What I'm trying to get it, in a general point rather than in relation specifically to the op, is that so many people now seem to find very normal things stressful to a point where it impinges on their everyday life and I am actively trying to combat this in my own kids so that they don't miss out on things as a result.

Love train journeys are one of my favourite things to do, especially if I can get a reasonable upgrade to first class. I do know people who are anxious about that sort of thing though.