DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

Her MH issues mean that she gets quite down and ostriches. She ruminates about how she was bullied. And because when she was being bullied she was shunned, it has been quite triggering being shunned again by L.

I had a friend do this (thankfully not a best friend or flatmate) just a good mate and we got on well. Both of us have PTSD/CPTSD issues and physical health issues. I come from an abusive background and he was aware of this though not the details. Both of us had things in common. Then one day he just stopped talking to me. Even if we were with other friends and acquaintances. He would talk to them and blank me and when I tried to join in a conversation with a mutual friend he snapped at me "I wasn't speaking to YOU". I did try to ask why and got no response. I can't remember us falling out. It is hurtful. I can only imagine what it is like to have a flatmate do this. I can only think that I may have said something by mistake that he took offence to and thought I had done it deliberately . I am extremely clumsy socially and sometimes say the wrong thing without meaning to.

i feel for your daughter and can tell from your post you are a lovely caring Mum.

But, i think sometimes we need to be honest with our children. The way you are writing the posts makes it seem like your daughter is completely blameless, while L is being completely horrible for no reason. Life isnt like that. Its hard to see our childrens flaws, but helping her analyse and reflect on her own behaviour will help her navigate relationships, and control what she can control.
If your daughter has ASD then she likely has communication difficulties and find it difficult to read people, or work out what is going on in situations and how to act appropriately. That may be why she was shunned in school, as awful as Im sure that was for her. For example, she seems to be repeatedly texting this girl asking for an explanation, while the girl is leaving her on read. If I recieved repeated texts from someone I was ignoring, I would feel uncomfortable and harraassed. The flatmate is definitely not handling it well, but the done thing would be to stop texting after a few ignored texts, and ignore her back. Not relentlessly pester her for an explanation.

Clearly the friendship has broken down. Your daughter can carry on living there and ignore the other girl as best she can, or move home. I would not get involve and join in trying to force the girl into a friendship, its inappropriate. They are both adults, and you can support your daughter without getting involved in the dynamics if a failing uni friendship.

That makes sense, I say this as someone who was bullied badly and tend to shut down as a trauma response too. Is there a possibility of her moving out? It just surely be untenable for her living with L now. Could she move in with another uni or work friend?

I agree
I don't think L is being assertive by ignoring DD. I think it's horrible and unkind. .DD doesn't know if she wants space or wants her to keep on apologising for something. It seems a bit controlling?

That's weird and completely over involved @OliveWoe if the dd is unable to have a flatshare without this level of parental involvement or parental confrontation of flatmates is she ready for a flatshare?

I wouldn’t get involved. The flatmates behaviour is odd. As she is faking it in front of others. Your dad either needs to live there and communicate minimally with L but needs to stop pandering to her. Forget the notes/messages. L sounds toxic and thinks she has the upper hand. In your dds position I would find someone to rent the room and move home. Can she choose a different uni for September?

OP, these things happen sometimes. Not exactly the same situation, but I was part of a tight-knit housemate group of 4 girls. We'd lived together for a couple of years but still kept in touch sporadically.
One day, out of the blue one of the girls blocks 2 of us on social media. No explanation, no reason. We just realised when we tried to send her a birthday message.

At that point all we had been sending were birthday messages and occasional pictures of food so nothing offensive. To this day we still don't know why she did it but it was hurtful.

Unlike PP I wouldn't assume that your daughter has definitely done something wrong. Your daughter needs to state in clear terms that she wants a F2F to discuss this but you cannot force the girl. If she doesn't want to play ball then your DD's only course of action is to move out.

BTW the silent treatment in marriages is abuse for a reason. I'd imagine that reason applies to other type of relationship also. It's not acceptable at all.

It is not up to the flatmate to fix this yes the flatmate needs to have basic manners but your daughter does not have to keep pushing

How on earth is she going to cope in life if she can't understand you can't control other people just yourself, you seem overinvested

DD is shutting down now she is at home.

I don't know if she can move out; I think not, unless she can sublet.

I do feel that it isn't fair for DD to move out but I can't see any option ... personally I couldn't live with being completely ignored for 9 months in a smallish 2 bed flat!

You say your daughter has more friends, hobbies etc. but it sounds like the flatmate has less going on so perhaps she is resentful or jealous? I took a year out of uni and it was really hard going back as all my friends had moved on a year and I didn't really make any new friends. So the flatmate could be experiencing that and taking it out on your daughter or simply isolating herself more if her confidence is low. Sadly I've been ghosted a couple of times including by a flatmate I was friends with. It turned out to be because she was feeling threatened by one of our mutual friends and was angry I hadn't been supportive - but I had no idea it was going on. Sometimes people can be very poor at communicating what is going on which is very frustrating for the ghosted party but leaves them with very little to do about it. I tried confronting someone about their ghosting once but even when they explained why they were annoyed and I thought we'd talked it through and rectified the situation they went on and continued to ghost me for a long time afterwards. Some people just act very illogically which is particularly difficult for someone with ASD to deal with - and those with ASD typically have higher rejection sensitivity too.

I really, really wouldnt do this.

If I was an immature 21 year old who had an issue with a flatmate , didnt know how to handle it and started ignoring her, I would not take it well AT ALL if her mum came and stayed in the flat and then confronted me. I would think very badly of yhe friend, probably think she was pathetic (being honest, i know its not nice) and probably, again being honest, gossip about it to other people.

support your daughter by being there for her, doing nice thing and helping her focus on whats good in her life

Your dd just needs to accept that L doesn’t want to be her friend anymore and for whatever reason and just get on with her day to day living.

You have no idea of the dynamic and you don’t know what is going on for L.
friendships break down for many reasons and we often don’t get the closure we would like but there is nothing we can do.

support your dd to move on, and leave L alone. I’m sure she has her reasons which will make sense to her.

I do think if L's expecting your daughter to keep on apologising and grovelling then that is manipulative and very hurtful. It's not fair that your D should have to move out, I'm just not sure of the legal situation as to whether she can demand L leave?

BTW the silent treatment in marriages is abuse for a reason. I'd imagine that reason applies to other type of relationship also. It's not acceptable at all.

I agree the silent treatment is abusive. We don't do the silent treatment in our family so it is totally weird for DD. I don't know if L's family do the silent treatment; maybe they do and that is why L is shunning DD.

I honestly can't think of a reason why L is ignoring DD. We have talked about it loads and gone through the weeks before this all started and everything seemed normal.

Really awful behaviour by L and I'm surprised so many posters are condoning it.

If L had made a thread here instead, saying she wanted to just pretend OP's DD doesn't exist and never speak to her again without telling her why, would posters say 'yeah great idea, knock yourself out' or different solutions, like talk to her or move out? Nobody is suggesting L has to be friends with someone she doesn't want to, but she is a grown ass adult and should behave like one. It can't be a bag of laughs for L living in such hostility either, so why is she punishing the DD for an infraction that she hasn't communicated? It's not on.

May I ask, as she was deferring, why she didn't move home for the year? Is it that far that it would have cost more to visit her friends at uni some weekends overnight and stay at a hotel than a whole year of rent or was there a different reason?
You said she needed to "heal" that sounds like home to me.

Well I do think that maybe L wants DD to grovel up to a point and then she'll start speaking to her again. Which is a horrible way to treat someone! And then DD will have this hanging over her, what if I put a foot wrong again and she starts ignoring me again?

I agree. Nobody has to keep being a buddy to someone but behaving civilly and not ignoring when asked a sensible question seems a reasonable expectation to me.

So dd has more activities and more clubs, more friends than L. Lots of clubs without L, who has noone but the dd apparently.. but L still not desperate for.the dds friendship?🤨

So why did she need the flatshare with L to heal?

So many posts I can't find it but whoever said about having a mutual friend - they have one mutual friend who knew L from secondary school and DD from 6th form but she is the kind of person who loves drama and hasn't been a very nice person to either DD or L. I think she would enjoy the drama of this situation a bit too much to be any use. DD has uni friends who are friendly with L but DD's friends. I don't think L has that many friends left as they have graduated and left whilst DD's friends happen to have stayed in the city so are still around

Bloody hell the replies on this thread are wild!!!

If this was a man, the OPs daughter would be told to LTB.

She's a weird little bully and your daughter has tried with her, she's not responding and I'd personally want to move out, too. What a horrible, toxic environment that must be to live in.

As for people telling you you're being over involved - you're not, you're just a mum. We don't have a cut off with our kids where we stop caring - you've spoke to your daughter and popped onto mumsnet for advice, you haven't ambushed L or even contacted her.

Isn't that what everyone comes on here for? Advice?

If you follow some of this advice by all accounts you should tell your daughter to go back, put up with the behaviour, stop being needy (which her messages show absolute ZERO evidence of) and just get over it because you have no right to call out bad behaviour or remove yourself away from it 🙄

I'd tell her to start looking for a replacement flatmate and text L to see if she knows anybody, too.

Yes controlling! I couldn't put my finger on it, but I did think something almost like punishment and control, earlier on but then saw your update about L being in final year and got sidetracked by what happened with my dd.

It is strange that this behaviour has only just started, and I wonder if your DD having more friends and interests has made L feel jealous and possessive of your DD.

Whatever the reason, it's clear your DD can't live in that sort of environment if she's shutting down.
It's probably best to try and find someone else to take over the lease, most landlords allow a transfer of rental agreement.

That is abusive, certainly. Really nasty. For an adult to start acting like a 12 year old playground bully is inexcusable. I've drifted away from people and stopped contacting when my own mental health has been in crisis, I'm not proud of that but this is a whole other level. I never made someone grovel or held their mistakes over their head.