DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

Do they have any mutual friends who can ask L what on earth is going on? Has she ever ghosted someone like this before?

I would go with your daughter and arrange to speak to the flatmate. Say things need to change, does she want to get someone to take over as joint tenant? She obviously doesn’t want to live with her anymore. Or does she want to move out? Could your daughter find someone to move in instead do you think? It can’t carry on as it is.
I expect others will comment that you should stay out of it, but as a parent of a child with identical diagnosis I think you need to help her with this. I really feel for her it’s a horrible situation. 💐

I wouldn’t pander to L. She’s bullying your DD and she needs to be called out on it. Your DD must face L, tell her she’s a bitch, they’re not friends anymore and she won’t let anyone push her out of her accommodation. Then your DD needs to live there and not give a shit about L, no reconciliation, nothing. Then once the lease ends, just move out and move on.

Alternative is, if your DD is too weak to stand up to her friend, you move in and be an absolute bitch to her friend for the remainder of the lease.

I lived with someone who had been a friend and had to ghost (not fully before I moved out) and had to move. Both were for my own mental health. From what you describe of your daughter she really should be living on her own, it's not someone else's job to be her 'whatever' it is she needs.

Being friends with someone and living with them are 2 different things. My flatmate and former friend became and entirely suffocating person to be around, she had no interests of her own, lived socially through me, if she heard me come out of my room she came out of her room too. I never had any space to myself and in the end I was spending the entire day in my room to avoid seeing her. I couldn't talk to her about it either as she would flip and just deny everything then cry and scream then send me lots of text messages saying how I'd made her cry.

So yeah, I ghosted her.

Unfortunately this is the kind of thing that happens in house shares. People are nuts. If your daughter can handle it then tell her to ignore the woman, be polite and get on with her life. If she can't handle it then help her find someone to take over her lease and move out.

Thank you for the replies xx
Yes @SendMeHomeNow, I absolutely can't stay out of it even though DD is 21 she is quite young in some respects. And not assertive at all. And this particular type of bullying (and thank you @Cookiecrumblepie for calling it that, because that is exactly what it is!) is EXTREMELY triggering for DD given how she was bullied at school, wherein she was shunned rather than being beaten up or something).

I am a little confused. Is your dd studying this year?

I've never come across anything like it before, it's just so crazy and extreme. But yeah, people are nuts.

No, DD was studying last year and L wasn't. This year its the other way round and DD is having a year out.

I've done similar too, it's all consuming and exhausting. It may be your daughter hasn't done anything wrong but just being her is too much for her friend. Neither party is wrong.

I think she needs to be blunt with L and confront her.

"L - I cannot continue like this. Either you tell me what I've done wrong to get the silent treatment, or you find yourself another housemate immediately to take over the rent from me, as I cannot live with someone who won't speak to me but won't tell me why".

That is bizarre!

Get a mutual friend to ask.

Hold on, the party who is dealing with it by cruelly pretending the other person doesn't exist IS in the wrong.

JFC, we are losing any sense of what it is to be a decent human being in pursuit of our own 'wellbeing'.

Are they both on the lease? If so, of course you would be unreasonable to move L’s things out. But you are not unreasonable to want to support your daughter.

Thanks for explaining your reasons for ghosting and sorry you had to, that sounds horrible.
I don't think DD has been suffocating to L, that is what is so weird. DD has her own interests and clubs she attends a couple of nights a week, and has friends she sees regularly who aren't L. Not sure if L has that many friends aside from DD. So DD isn't limpeting onto L's social circle. If anything it is the other way round.

If she's having a year out tell her to advertise the room, get someone to move in and take over the flat and she can move home.

She is being cruel but it may be the only way she knows how to cope when she's already struggling with her own issues as per the OP.

OK, so as your DD isnt a student, wont that make them liable for council tax? Which may be a part of it.
My guess is L is maybe finding living 1;1 with someone, especially a someone with all your DD's special needs a bit suffocating. Is she in the house a lot more now?

What's the lease situation? I'd tell DD she could stay at home for a bit longer and at some point L is going to start wondering where she is and get in touch?

Also see if DD can find out anything from mutural friends in the meantime, if she's planning on house sharing again, it's going to happen, as someone else said, people are nuts and if your living with them, thick skin is required.

I guess your DD cant go to any student events / societies/ clubs etc now that she isnt a student?

This, dd doesn't need to engage with L to function and L doesn't have a duty to be friends with dd, harsh as it sounds.

L clearly doesn’t want to talk to your DD and that’s fine. She’s not actually being mean to her, she’s just getting on with her own life.
Your DD just needs to get on with her own life and leave L to it.

All this texting, leaving notes etc seems excessive. Just leave her alone.

The lease is until June so your DD needs to find someone to take it over if she wants to move out and can’t handle living with someone else.

I don't think DD's very existence is too much for L. L was the one who suggested they move in together. DD isn't a needy person, if anything she internalises her feelings and is quite private.

@Outtherelookingin has a good point, can your DD sublet her room? She doesn’t actually need to be in the area right now.

I do think that it would be a good idea for your DD to ask L outright what’s going on and if she won’t engage with her, move forward with subletting her room.

I didnt really mean sub let, literally take over the remaining side of the lease so OPs DD is not liable anymore.