DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

If people don’t put themselves first then who will? No one.

Then why can’t she leave L alone and get on with her own stuff?

It sounds like an unsustainable living situation. Your daughter shouldn't be made to feel so uncomfortable in a space she pays rent to live in. Even if she speaks to L and gets an explanation, won't she just be waiting for it to happen again over something else?

I'd be recommending to your DD to explore her options of subletting or terminating her lease (without telling L until its a done deal - let her live with the consequences or her actions)

Gosh it sounds very difficult and what a shame when they had clearly had a solid friendship before. My housemate and I mutually ended up not talking to each other for the last month (she hadn't paid two months' rent, the rest of us would eventually be liable for it, I called her out on it). I didn't care by that stage but it did create an unpleasant atmosphere so I totally understand that your DD must be feeling quite upset.

FWIW I think ghosting is really cowardly.

@Outtherelookingin Ah yes, I suppose that she could do that if the landlord agrees. Same with subleasing tbh.

Presumably the OP is the guarantor so everything would need to be handled correctly so that she doesn’t end up liable for someone else.

Oh and also, your daughter shouldn't play along when mutual friends are over and L switches back to being nice. I'd be encouraging your Dd to say in front of the friends "oh you're speaking to me again now? Or is that just until X leaves like last time?". Drawing attention to it might work as her other attempts haven't

I can’t believe people are saying this ghosting friend isn’t being mean. They were friends. This girl was a friend. Then she randomly stops talking to this woman’s DD. That’s not “just getting on with her own business”. They moved in specifically because they both were friends consensually. If this girl doesn’t want to be friends anymore, she needs to grow a pair and say so. This is bullying and people do this because they can get away with it and they’re not called out. OP you MUST call the girl out. Show your daughter how to stand up for herself and tell this girl to fuck off. If she makes your DDs life miserable your DD should do the same to her.

ignoring someone and ghosting them for your own mental health is nasty behaviour. What about the OP’s daughter’s mental health? Ridiculous

This can be used as a justification for almost anything. To the point of psychopathy.

Most decent people understand that. Our laws and social mores are based on that fact too - society cannot exist if we all follow 'I want' without concern for the needs or wants of others.

If you don’t want to be friends with someone just say so. Or reduce contact and say “look we’re growing apart”. You don’t randomly ignore someone!

I lived in flat w 4 women. One of them started to ignore me and another. If I saw her in Boots, and said “hi” she would act like I wasn’t there.

We normally had “meetings” to split bills or chores.
At a meeting, I just said “S you don’t seem happy here. You ignore me and M in public, I think you should move out. We are going to look for another person” (Others were aware I would say it)

You don’t seem happy … is a good way to get a response.

She did move out but one of her friends contacted me to tell me how shit I was because of S MH issues. I explained her MH not more important than mine or M.

They either agree to be civil and not best friends.
Or one moves out and try for better person? Or live alone.

This is clearly in the terms of looking after one’s mental health and for all we know it could be L ‘need’ and not a want as we only have 1 side of the story.

To be fair you dont actually KNOW what the dynamic between them is, only what your DD says./perceives

It’s not bullying and it’s ridiculous to say it is.

All this ‘call her out’ is pathetic. She doesn’t want to talk, she doesn’t have too. She doesn’t have to have a huge conversation about how she feels or what went wrong. Her actions clearly shows she doesn’t want to talk so leave her alone.

OPs daughter is responsible for her own mental health, L is not responsible for it.

@Sawlt You handled the situation very well.

My DD (19) has something similar going on with one of her flatmates (there’s four of them in the flat). This girl has gradually fallen out with everyone and isn’t speaking to anyone atm.

They’d like to get back on good terms, but it’s impossible when someone’s ignoring you!

What kind of rental agreement do they have?

Standard AST Agreement?
Length of lease - how many months left?
Is there a break clause?
Is there a Guarantor?
Has she talked to the landlord about ending the lease?

Those are the issues that are relevant if the relationship with her co-tenant has broken down and she wants to vacate the property.

I think it’s bullying and very rude. Sure L doesn’t have to have a big conversation if she doesn’t want, she doesn’t have to be mates but she can be polite and not ignore someone. 🤷‍♀️

Trying to imagine this from both sides.
Something must have happened for the relationship to have gone from backpacking happily and wanting to live together to complete silence from L, I do think L owes your daughter an explanation as to why.
L might feel they need to retreat into themself and back away from the friendship right now but it's not fair to do that without a discussion.
I would go back with your daughter, see what the dynamic is like between the flatmates in person, and see if you can try and find out what happened.

L clearly doesn’t want to talk to your DD and that’s fine

It's not fine at all! Sorry but if you're 21 and living with one good friend you don't expect them to suddenly stop speaking to you with no explanation. And then to have to carry on living with them, without ever speaking to each other.

Are you a guarantor? If so I think that you ARE entitled to say something.

They don't have to be friends to be flatmates they to both pay their bills which I presume you are doing for her, and not annoy each other

They don't have to be friends thry can each get on with their own lives, I don't see why the flatmate has to move out if she is not doing anything wrong in a flatmate sense

Your dd needs other friends

I don't think it's the council tax as DD sorted that as soon as they moved in.

DD is in the house a fair bit but she is going out to see friends, take part in her hobbies, she volunteers. She's not just sitting round in the lounge in her jammies at 4pm.

I don't think her neurodivergence makes her suffocating. It wasn't like L was acting as a carer to her or something and is now burnt out from it. It was a completely normal friendship as far as I could tell.

She’s free to move out and find someone else to take over the lease.

If this is the case, then the DD should make this girl as uncomfortable as possible. I mean, it wouldn’t be bullying would it? Purposely making a friend feel shit? And not giving a damn about them. Is this what friendship is? No one is saying anyone is responsible for someone else’s mental health but you can’t use mental health as an excuse for nasty selfish behaviour like random silent treatment. How many threads have there been where men have given women the silent treatment in a marriage and everyone has said it’s abuse? What this girl is doing isn’t nice. It’s not friend behaviour. Yes the friendship is over, but the OPs daughter needs to let this former friend know she’s a bitch.

Reading back ops L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
It sounds like L has been more of a support worker? What expectations have been laid on L to provide this 'safe haven'?

Honestly this is what I’d do as well as a fellow SEN parent. A lot of parents will say you have to let your DD fight her own battles but it’s different with autism and they can need a lot more support with this sort of thing even as young adults. There is no shame in helping her through this, especially considering her past trauma.

Make sure you know the terms of the lease before you try and speak to L, and be very calm and business-like about it: this is the problem, we can either do A or B to resolve it, this is what the legal position is regarding the lease, etc. I wouldn’t even ask L why she’s done this, just state that it’s clear the relationship has broken down and it isn’t good for DD so you need to get it resolved one way or another. It would of course be nice if L told your DD why she’s ghosting her, but be prepared that she might not (as others have said, people can be very odd). It’s most likely something silly like jealousy over a boy, but L might also have her own problems too, though that doesn’t excuse her behaviour towards your DD.

Could DD move home with you for a little while? If she’s taking a year out to recover it might be helpful for her to take the pressure off a little (assuming you get along? It sounds like you do!) Living with friends at that age can be tough at the best of times, but even more exhausting with autism thrown into the mix. Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum and I hope things improve for your DD very soon.