DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

So there are some options here. You know DDs understanding if the situation. You also say she's young for her age in some way. You also say they've been friends for 3 years and went off together travelling.

So has L overnight turned into a cow?

Or is there a possibility that something has happened (quite possibly plural) that have upset L that your DD hasn't picked up on? You say she's 21 but is young for her age. And tbh she must be if you're considering intervening. At 21 my mother would never have considered intervening in a flatmate situation on my behalf, nor would I ever have thought to expect/hope/want her to. I'd have solved it one way if the other and notified her of my new address, or mentioned a new flatmate. I was also extremely conflicted-avoidant! So I'd not have been overly confident about dealing with it, but deal with it I would have. I'm not criticising DD, merely showing that really, if she needs you to intervene, then there's some kind of thing she's missing. And if that's the case, it's very likely that this has been a factor in the breakdown of this friendship. And let's face it, it's wildly different living together than it is being friends.

It's not nice that L has sent her to Coventry. Not at all. If they've been friends for 3 years though, there has to be a reason.

Also. While I find it two-faced that she's nice to DD in front of third parties, there's a little chance that this is a strange kindness/not badly intentioned. If she ignores DD when others are around, then the minute DD leaves the room, third party will ask L what's going on. Maybe L can't tell what's going on without divulging DDs diagnoses or some related behaviours/mannerisms/something. I'm not justifying it. I'm just thinking it's very odd to switch both from being friends to ignoring overall as well as when guests are over.

But is it important? Either you get involved, which indicates your DD probably shouldn't be living alone, at least not one-on-one, or she finds a way to move out. What would she prefer happens?

DD is free to carry on with her life and ignore L to her hearts content too.

It doesn’t make someone a bitch to crack on with their own life.

She's got friends from the clubs she attended when she was a student; her cohort have mostly graduated now so none of them are able to meet in the student bars or use the university facilities. They are meeting in pubs, going for picnics (when it was warmer), going out for meals etc. I suppose they could still meet in the uni bar but they aren't.

You absolutely should NOT stay out of it I'm 43 and I often ask my mums advice when I've had a falling out with someone, 21 is still a baby really. Her flat mate is clearly nuts and will probably do the same thing to her next victim, I mean flatmate. People are absolutely nutty especially in flatshares although what makes it even stranger that they'd been travelling together successfully, this girl sounds dangerous and a bitch. I really hope your daughter is ok maybe a life lesson in just how vile people can be? Hope she finds somewhere better soon xxx

Dangerous ?! Really 😂😂

It does if your friend of three years randomly does this to you though, doesn’t it? Would you just shrug your shoulders and move on without a second thought if a friend you’d had for three years who you though was a close pal randomly stopped talking to you?

Does L have another friend she'd rather live with? It could be that she is deliberately making DD's living situation uncomfortable so DD will move out and L's new mate can move in. Yes L doesn't have to speak to DD or giver her a reason, but the silent treatment is immature bordering on abusive. L at the very minimum could write a note saying something like I don't want to talk (or something to that effect), rather than leaving DD hanging (which L probably knows will be detrimental to DD's mental health if they are friends).

I don't agree with you at all on this. There is no evidence of bullying. And the flatmate is not being a bitch. Dial down the drama.

So @DogsandFlowers you'd, as advised by some on here, go and get your mum to tell people they HAD to be you're friend? At 43??

Yeah no. I’m not causing drama. Call her out OP!

A 21 year old is a grown adult, not a baby.
People who don’t behave as she’d like in her presence are not automatically dangerous.

I’d reach out a couple of times and if they didn’t reply I’d think well fuck them then! And carry on with my life! Like a normal person.

Absolutely, not wanting to be someone's friend, adult or child isn't bullying.
Telling someone they HAVE to hang about with someone they don't IS.

It is a very very upsetting situation for your DD to find herself in. I have heard from many sources that it is a common dynamic in a student house to have one person everyone turns on, but i would thought when it is only the 2 of them , this wouldnt happen.
The cause is largely irrelevant- you need to extricate your DC from this situation asap

I'm not making excuses for L as it does seem like bullying but I have another perspective just on the off chance this applies.

The final year is hugely stressful.
My dd (who's autistic) began having a mental health crisis.
One of her 4 flatmates was also struggling and tried leaning on the rest of them quite heavily, my dd couldn't cope with it and pretty much blanked her. Not out of spite but she didn't have the capacity or emotional resilience to deal with it. She said she felt shut down and overwhelmed.
She knew she should have spoken with the girl but also knew it would cause more problems and cost her more energy she didn't have.
DD came came home for a bit, regained strength and resilience to just about finish her course. She returned to the flat and made up with the girl as best as she could.

Yeah no one has said this! It’s fine not to be friends or to end a friendship. Ignoring someone randomly is not nice.

Nah she wasn't like a support worker at all! They were just like, friends! They both wanted a quiet flat, because L has taken a year out and DD wanted somewhere quieter and then she realised that she needed to defer for a year this year.
It was going to be a safe haven for both of them. That was what they were both referring to the flat as. It wasn't like L was being roped into the role of a support worker at all... they had fun together and liked each other's company. Sorry if that wasn't clear but their relationship dynamic was definitely not one giver and one taker. DD wasn't, I don't know, running into L's arms every week crying or something.

I have met L a few times and she and DD just seemed like two young women who were friends with each other and got on well.

“Fuck them” right? So you WOULD think that they were a bitch 😂

If there's only two of them living in the flat then it's not unreasonable to expect normal human discourse

Just stopping speaking is downright cruel

Having an honest conversation is the adult way to go, not acting like a spiteful 14 year-old

I don't think so... She probably has fewer friends than DD in the university town. It is worth investigating though. That could be the only thing I can think of. So thanks for the suggestion.

Leaving DD hanging like this does seem really cruel especially as DD has had her friend back home lose a parent, and has had to defer, and has been bullied by being shunned in school. And L knows all of this and is still giving her the silent treatment!

So has something happened and dd hasn't noticed as so wrapped up in herself, or doesn't care about L if she's not being her support?

I have met L a few times and she and DD just seemed like two young women who were friends with each other and got on well.
But it wasn’t that simple. Both felt in need of a “safe haven”.
There were clearly more issues on both sides than
either of them could cope with. It sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic.

L sounds like a horrible bully who is taking advantage of your DD as she knows her vulnerabilities what will push her buttons.

I sadly had a friendship end in this way when we moved into a house share and my former friend started treating me and our other 2 housemates (who were strangers) like shit.

My response was to never give her the reaction I knew she was looking for. I kept things civil. Then after I moved out she emailed me and had the audacity to ask me for a favour. So I said no because of her behaviour when we lived together. Otherwise I would have let it go and moved on with my life. But the email pushed me over the edge!

She sent me a nasty, vitriolic email back playing the victim herself and we haven't spoke since, even though we had mutual friends. Not sure we do anymore.

Anyway, you need to check with the agency or landlord about what their policy is when it comes to mid-tenancy break-ups. Some are OK with subletting, some aren't. Or you may only need to give one or two months' notice. Check the agreement and see what your DD's options are. There may be no need to speak to L at all anymore. Good riddance to her!

It's also OK for your daughter to grieve this friendship when it's over. I grieved my friendship ending, it felt like a breakup. It's not her fault. She will move on though.

Yes it does, if they're being spiteful.

She treats the OP's DD fine when others are around then ignores her again when they've gone.

She's a Mean Girl personified and it's playing mind games with her