DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

I wouldn’t be ‘calling them out’ on it though and letting them know they are a bitch as I would have better things to do.

Yes, I think anyone who actually believes this is normal behaviour is a bit sociopathic….. though more likely it’s the usual AIBU habit of being contrary for the sake of it!

She's asked.

And answer came back...none

She’s being polite when people are around to not make others outside the house uncomfortable when they are visiting. its a normal reaction.

Not in my world.

It's being two-faced

Quite. People on this site excuse so many examples of poor social behaviour. Never realising that it can have a detrimental effect on someone else. If L wants space she needs to say so. L is out of order for ignoring her flatmate without explanation. It’s horrible passive aggressive nasty behaviour. She knows what she is doing.

Your DD needs to pack up and leave ASAP. She needs to be shown she doesn’t have to put up with anyone else’s emotional manipulation. There won’t be a reason. Only self centred arseholes ghost their only flatmate.

You encouraging her to find out what’s “wrong” means your DD is looking for something wrong with herself when she should be finding her anger and telling the flatmate to f*ck right off.

Yeah but I wouldn’t. I think calling out bitches is a great use of time. Might stop her from doing this to someone else in future. Team call out!

So maybe it's best if they just split.
If I was back in my 20s I wouldn't want to have this level of flatmate responsibility with the added fun of being called a bitch for not living my life how my flatmate and her mum thought I should be with regards to her importance in my life.

She should call her it and ask what the eff is going on. How can she just totally ignore her in the kitchen etc?!
If she acts normal when friends are round she must say something.
Maybe she should say I’m leaving of leaving and not paying my half of the rent unless you start talking!

This sounds to me like two neurodivergent or highly anxious young women who are battling to communicate. L may have gone off DD for whatever personal reason but not have the emotional intelligence to say, Well, we still live together, so we’ll need to just muddle along til June.

Tbh as mad as it sounds I’d try to have a conversation with L’s mum and then the four of you together. Model the behaviour.

I don't think that's the case at all

If a partner behaved like this, many would say they were being rude, sulky , moody, even emotionally abusive. Because having somebody worry about what they have done to upset someone else and analysing their behaviours and feeling anxious, is actually emotionally abusive. I don’t know why people are so quick to excuse L.

Because the daughter has been ghosted and doesn't know why? There is nothing to suggest that the daughter has been acting like this before the ghosting happened.

Does L have any additional needs or mh issues in addition to anxiety? Maybe she has something going on that she feels she cannot share with dd. Legally it could be tricky ti get out of the flat contract.

Poor mental health does not excuse cruelty. Most people with poor mental health are not cruel.

Maybe you need to have something more going on in your life then.

She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.

Just noticed this and i think this is the key How does your dd's mental health issue manifest itself? I dont realy understand the bit about school issues- she has surely completed at least 2 years of university, so how come they have become an issue this year?

I think it is very cruel and DD is very upset by it.

I also want to be clear that DD hasn't been bombarding L with texts and notes. She showed me what she sent her.

1st message was hey are you OK? Please let me know if you need anything

2nd message was after Halloween- did you get home OK? as L left early

3rd message was about 2 or 3 messages but all in one go - hey L I'm really sorry if I've upset you but can we talk about it?

4th message said she's going home for this funeral - L replied "ok"

Then she left a note in the kitchen saying she'd be going to the Tescos after meeting different friends, did L want anything?

And then another note saying she'd be out for a bit with some friends and did L want to join them

Before L started ghosting L used to leave DD handwritten notes and vice versa.

So she isn't exactly bombarding L with messages!

Why are people assuming that the daughter is leaning on L for support? OP's description sounds like an equal relationship of two very similar adult friends with similar interests and both with fragile mental health. There is nothing in the OP to suggest the daughter is particularly needy.

are you going to contact L and request a face-to-face chat about next steps - say that this situation isn't sustainable and needs to be sorted. Your DD has tried to talk but it's not being resolved so you would like to meet. and offer that she can bring a friend/relative too?

Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.

This, perhaps? Hell of a lot of pressure for the flatmate right there.

Its absolutely ridiculous for op as her flatmates mum to demand a meeting and explanation from L. Would op be happy if Ls mum demanded a meeting with her daughter?

No I don’t. I have plenty going on 😁I live an amazing full life and I call out bad behaviour. Deal with it.

I think in your shoes @Fluffytowels24, I would go back to the flat with your DD and observe for myself. Maybe stay overnight and if L is ignoring DD in front of you, that's an easy in to ask "Hey L, everything ok between you two?", and if not, you might be able to get L on her own and ask her directly.

Given all your DD's diagnoses and history, I do think that stepping in is the right thing to do in this instance - as long as your DD is comfortable with it. You could even ask DD to ask L about the silent treatment in your presence, since she appears to find it hard to totally blank your DD with another person in the room.