DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

"Well I do think that maybe L wants DD to grovel up to a point and then she'll start speaking to her again. Which is a horrible way to treat someone! And then DD will have this hanging over her, what if I put a foot wrong again and she starts ignoring me again?"

This is coercive control.

She needed to live in a quieter environment with someone she likes and got on well with to heal.

L suggested living together this year and DD thought it would be a good idea as at the point they signed the tenancy her friends were all graduating.

She didn't need L specifically to heal. If that makes sense?

Indeed- it is horrible. I hate that DD is in this situation 😪

So did she drop out of Uni before or after L started shunning her? I think this is quite key in understranding L's actions.

A weird little bully for not doing what the OP and her dd want? Is this what you would tell your dc?
"You must be/do whatever is asked of you or you are a BULLY! It doesn't matter what you want, other people's feels outweigh you!!

Maybe it got buried but my question was - are you going to request a meeting with L to sort it out? I think that is way more useful than a mutual friend. I think it’s reasonable as your DD hasn’t had any reply and needs an advocate. They clearly can’t continue on for 9 months like this and you can make up an excuse that you are paying for it so any issues with the living situation need to be sorted before you can continue paying.

I agree it's awful behaviour and L knows it which is why she is hiding it from others. my daughter is autistic and would also find this really triggering. my daughter was in a house of four and was in a relationship with another girl. They split up, there was bad feeling, but even then they still managed civility until the end of the lease. There really is no excuse and no defence for it imho.

Its coercive control in a relationship, which they arent. An adukt is allowed to stop replying to messages or say 'ok' to a message from another adult! If anything its controlling ti try nd force them into a friendship they dont consent to.

What was the foot wrong the daughter did? What is she 'grovelling' for?

she can only control and change her own behaviour

L can protect her own feelings without going out of her way to hurt DDs on purpose.

I agree it's bad behaviour by L because even if dd has done something to upset her without meaning to, she knows about dd being ND and having some MH issues, and should at least make the allowance of having a talk about what is bothering her. We can't guess what it might be though so I think it's best for dd cut her losses and move out. I don't think she should stay and try to put up with it, get out of there and come home for a while if need be.

Thanks for this.
It is difficult because I obviously wanted the situation to be resolved quickly so if DD and I could guess correctly what has upset L so much then things could be remedied
But you're right it isn't healthy to keep wondering what she has "done wrong" especially if she hasn't actually done anything! Argh it is horrible. I would love DD to leave but she's tied in to live here till July! So can't rent elsewhere as can't afford it

Is she hurting OP’s DD on purpose, though, or is she just socially awkward herself and not knowing how to handle a difficult conversation?

Obviously we only have one side of the story here, but it sounds like an unhappy situation for all concerned. If one of them could get out of the lease that sounds like the best solution all round.

I think L just enjoys the feeling of power she has over the Op's DD. She has probably been bullied/mistreated in the past, and it is the battered chid cycle.

I wouldn’t confront this - I’d get her the hell out of there and then take stock together of the fact that people are batshit. L is highly unlikely to respond well to being called out and the relationship is dead by the sounds. Your DD is far too vulnerable and young to spend 8 months under a roof with someone who behaving like that. Support her to leave and cut your loses.

How has she done this 'on purpose' other than the slighty prejudiced op?

@DoreenonTill8

No - but that's not what this situation is, is it?

The girl is getting the silent treatment in her own home, which is a well recognised form of abuse. She's reached out and been kind, and is still getting ignored.

If a man were to do this to his partner there would be outrage.

And as for the 'everyone should do what you tell them' nonesense, the girl hasn't asked for a thing, in fact, she's reached out with an apology incase it's something she's done.

She's 👏 a 👏 weird 👏 little 👏 bully 👏

You don't treat people like that, especially someone you've been very close friends with and live under the same roof as.

You need l to speak to the letting agent for advice on how to get out of the contract. People leave uni all the time and have to transfer their accommodation contract. . There must be a way

Just tell her to pack and leave and come home and you can sort the financial/legal stuff from your place.

But if she doesn’t pay the rent what can they actually do? Are they in a joint tenancy or separate?

“In a joint tenancy, you are all equally responsible for any unpaid rent if one person does not pay their share. The landlord could take action to evict all of you and get the money back from any of you.”

its shit but it’s L who is causing it.

you could also get DD to contact the university Private Accommodation team for advice and make it clear she is being bullied. But first step I would talk to L yourself if you can and make clear that they don’t have to be best friends but she needs to have some form of communication and explain what it going on.

This is what I'd do, too. Just get her out of there and sort the replacement tenant/financial stuff from home.

I would make sure not to leave L in any financial difficulty, though, that wouldn't be ok.

Are you saying she 'accidentally' gave the silent treatment without giving a reason?

Honestly I think a large portion of the population are emotionally stunted and really lack social skills. To think that you can flounce and go NC with your flatmate and that's acceptable is fucking ludicrous. L thinks she's all grown up now, in her own place, at uni, yet can't manage to have a grown up conversation simply saying 'You did x and it really upset me.' I suppose she's one of those that 'doesn't like confrontation' so would rather be passive aggressive instead.

L doesn't have to be the D's friend. But it's not unreasonable to expect her to behave civilly and not just ignore D who is trying to make things right . its cowardly for L to not explain why she wants to end the friendship. If L is so upset with the daughters behaviour them why doesn't she leave?

@Amybelle88 what's with the random 👏?
Do you think it strengthens your aggressive response?
You don't do that to people if you'd like to present as rational in a debate!

@Sparklfairy

You've said it better than I ever could. Spot on. 👏

This is just house share. ( I house shared for 10 years )
Sometimes you get on with people sometimes you don’t.
Unfortunately as there’s only two of them there’s no one else to ‘disguise’ the atmosphere.

You can’t expect L to move out, she’s not under you or your dds control. If your dd wants to move out then she’ll have to look at the rental agreement, but as she’s 21 I assume she knows this.

It’s sad things aren’t going as well between them as they used to but it seems their friendship, for unknown reasons it seems, has just not stood the test of time. It happens.

Hope your daughter does what’s best for her. It’s her decision