Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I’ve actually been really really busy at work and one of my dc has been unwell so haven’t had a chance to come back in here

It was just a generic thanks for the Xmas bits. I had asked them they the first couple of years why just x2 not x4 then it was just easier to mislead I guess and add to it myself and keep all the DC happy . Maybe not the best course of action but I stand by putting the SC equally with mine whilst under my care and it’s hard to give total context as I can’t give identifying info but it’s enough to say very difficult circumstances my parents were fully aware of so I can put their actions down to unkindness

I totally agree with this. You sound SO lovely and your SC are lucky to have you. If also sounds like SC are lovely and appreciative.

there is a lot of talk on here about DGP needing to do things the parents’ way as they’ve ‘had their time’. YOU get to decide if step children and your DC are treated the same, not your parents.

you’ve judged it absolutely right in my opinion and I don’t think you should second guess your instinct as you are spot on.

Whilst you might think your parents are being mean, really and truly, your step kids have nothing to do with them. Yes, they are being mean, I do agree, but you can’t say they are being unreasonable. You sharing something that they gifted to their grandkids with others is unreasonable.
This.

I had asked them they the first couple of years why just x2 not x4 then it was just easier to mislead

It really can't be a surprise to you at how things have turned out, can it? That was wilful when this was something you could have resolved so easily for yourself. "Here you go, kids, Christmas box for each of you". Paid for and assembled by you and your husband.

You had opportunity to speak to your parents about this and did - and presumably they told you that they wanted to do this for their grandchildren only, At which point you could have said, "Thanks but no thanks, we won't have the other two left out of a Christmas box".

I hope this smooths out in time by itself because I can't imagine you'll put this right or be able to. What a mess. For so very little.

I really really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP and if finding out hasn’t shamed your parents into realising that they were being cruel then I think you can feel ok about upsetting them too.

At the time it just felt like the right thing to do and the easiest option when I just wanted SC to feel equal and cared for and it was Christmas I was just trying to do my best and maybe I’ve misjudged it. It wasn’t from a place of unkindness though but what my parents have done was.

It sounds like OP is pretty disgusted by her parents (as I would be) so their disgruntlement will possibly quickly become less bothersome to her than you seem to think.

They haven’t ’dangled the prospect’, they’ve told her what they intend to do.

It’s hardly out of nowhere either - they’ve just learned that they can’t trust her with money they’ve given, of course that’s something they need to consider when it comes to estate planning. They want their money to benefit their grandchildren, and they’re not going to risk it being lost to them. Tbh it sounds like they’ve asked their solicitor about this, because they’re doing exactly what they would be advised to do.

They’re not trying to control OP - they’re telling OP they won’t be controlled. OP is free to decide how she wants to consider her stepchildren, but she doesn’t get to dictate how her wider family consider them. She doesn’t get to lie about her parents to her stepchildren, and present the relationship as something it’s not.

I didnt want to do a separate box and it would have just looked like making it my dc and them I was trying to make it joint and equal if that makes sense

Your parents sound like miserable bastards! If I knew where they lived I would send them a box of chocolate coated brussels sprouts and I would make sure that the sprouts were cooked just to the point of sogginess!

You tried to present a reality that didn’t exist. You deceived both your parents and your stepchildren, and that was something that was always going to come to light. You can choose to be ‘joint and equal’, but that isn’t something you can demand from anyone else. You did it with good intentions, but it wasn’t the right thing to do for any of the parties involved. The road to hell and all that.

You would have been wiser to refuse the boxes altogether, or provided your own without pretending they were from your parents.

Not giving your step children Christmas boxes was horrible. I'm trying to think of why your parents would do that and I can't think of a reason? I would do that for a stranger's child, it's no big deal. I'm with you on that.

What you did with the money and the Christmas boxes was 100% wrong and there's no getting away from it. You didn't make it equal by doing that, you couldn't - the boxes were for your parents' grandchildren. You could though have made it equal by refusing those from your parents and then making 4 x Christmas boxes yourself and giving those to your children.

The money is a separate thing and is the basis of where you are now. You took it and wrongfully doled it out where it wasn't intended. I wouldn't have liked that either. This is probably why your parents have acted the way they have with the inheritance and I think they're right to do that. I would apologise unreservedly for that.

Back to the Christmas boxes though. When you spoke to your parents about them (before all this happened), what did you say to them and what was their reply? I agree with you that they should have made a box for ALL the children, all the same. I'm stumped that they didn't and wondered if they'd given a reason for that now that they've backtracked to now doing a Christmas box for all the children. It won't be in a good grace though, that ship has sailed. Very sad all around.

What do your children's paternal grandparents do for their grandchildren (all four of them)?

Do you not understand OP that it's the subterfuge that has caused this? Being honest is best. Think of people who discover that the person who they thought of as their dad isn't actually their biological father. Everyone else knows but the child. Being factual, in a kind way, prevents all sorts of issues further down the line.

She does get to dictate the relationship the GP are permitted with their GC though. If she decides she doesn't want her children exposed to their unpleasant ways, then they won't get to see them. The knowledge they've 'protected their inheritance' will have to do some heavy lifting to serve as compensation for that if they genuinely care about the DC. Seems strange to me to prioritise what happens after you're dead and gone and will know nothing of it either way over your relationship with your own daughter and grandchildren while you're alive.

I know it's easy to say in hindsight but this is so longstanding that I'm surprised you didn't - one large box then, filled with 4 of everything. From you and their father.

I feel for your step children in that they will become very aware that they were not welcome to have what you 'snaffled' for them, that your parents didn't want them to have it. That is the saddest thing about all of this.

Oh I see!

I'm glad your parents will now do the box for 4 children and I think it's fair and right they adjust their will, in fact that's actually forward thinking of them. The sc have their own grandparents to inherit from, your dh can ask his parents to leave more to sc than your kids if you're worried about things being equal.

Plus all 4 will inherit equally from you and from dh anyway.

Presents/family events are a separate thing and should for the most part be equal for all kids. That is how I was raised, my mum would even buy for my dad's wife's kids that were not blood related because they were kids.

I was always taught all kids in a household should get a Christmas present if buying (doesn't need to be expensive or of same value but something for them to enjoy that they like)

your dh can ask his parents to leave more to sc than your kids if you're worried about things being equal

That is not equal.

Sure, but then she runs the risk of her children resenting her in years to come for denying them a relationship with her maternal family. Given that OP has a different perspective to her parents, it’s entirely possible that her children will have a different one to her. There’s been more than one thread from posters dealing with having damaged their relationships with their children, and between step and half siblings, for doing just that.

Her parents may very well prefer not having a relationship with their grandchildren for the time being, over having one that’s dominated by parents willing to emotionally blackmail them. No one should be afraid to walk away from a relationship where the other party seeks to control them ‘or else’ - it doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship between spouses, or between parent and adult child.

It’s not strange at all - the whole point of a last will and testament is to control what happens to your assets after your death. Their concerns, that the money would not benefit their grandchildren, are common ones, and they’re choosing to do what an estate planner would advise. OP has demonstrated to them that they cannot trust her, so why would they?

Oh and the inheritance thing is absolutely about control. If it was simply a genuine fear their GC would lose out they could have just gone ahead and changed their will. The fact they've decided to announce it is to show the OP the consequences of thwarting their exclusion of the SC. And also to serve as a carrot/stick for them to control the future status OP affords the SC within the family. I imagine OP if you were to apologise profusely, send your DC on Xmas eve and tell them you'd learned the error of your ways, you might be back in the will. (And then out again next time you displeased them.)

These are the consequences of OP deceiving them. You may consider it a justified deception, but it was a deception. Of course they’re not going to respond well to it.

I actually suspect that they’re following the advice of their solicitor to inform their daughter of the changes made, which is what they would have been told to do.

I'm not reading this the same way as you, 5218gap? Grandparents have told the OP what will be happening with the inheritance. Not with "If you don't do this, we'll do that*. No ambiguity there or plan to vacillate according to what OP will or won't do.

They've also said that they will do Christmas boxes for all four children now.

It's up to OP and her husband to plan inheritance for their children and I hope they'll get that nailed down tight.

I think it's beneficial for OP to be warned so she doesn't mistakenly factor inheritance into her future plans.

My DM was exactly like this so I really understand what you mean .. we coped in similar way to you by covering it up for years that DSS wasnt considered in the same way so DSS and my 5DSs had no idea . They are all adults now and DM has passed . But it still does irk in a way when family problems now crop up and theyll be like o this is such an issue its so tough these days - and we think to ourselves errr o no it isnt- we had family problems its just that we didnt let you be aware of them . Maybe in. Way they should have been aware there were these things going on in the background ? But I still think you were right to keep the magic of Christmas so special. it's only for a short while, isn't it ?

Possible. But highly unlikely. Few children are going to resent the loving family they grow up in out of concern they missed out on getting to know two distant virtual strangers. Also the family unit controls the narrative doesn't it? If the OP was that way inclined she'd be more than able to justify her decision. I certainly can't imagine two young adults turning on their mother over this. Sadly for the GP, they could end up meaning no more to the DC than the windfall their deaths brought them if the OP was of a mind to exclude them. Fortunately for them though, OP seems a very nice person, so they may get off lightly.