Page 36 | Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

Gottoshare · 2024-11-09T12:15:27+00:00

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬 We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids. Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it. Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ??? Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬 AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

harriethoyle · 12/11/2024 15:55

Gottoshare · 11/11/2024 10:05

Well I spoke to my parents last night (they contacted us). They take my point on board they have said they will do a box for 4 BUT they are seeking advice about my inheritance which they now want to leave in trust to my 2 dc as they have ‘concerns’ and ‘want to protect their grandchildren’s futures) because if i die before dh it all goes to him then when he dies would go between 4 dc 🤦 basically I’ve been told ‘have your little victory and we get the big one’

Forgive me for asking this if it's already been raised @Gottoshare but if your parents had already died and left you your share of the inheritance would your intention have been to leave that 4 ways when you popped off? Despite knowing that your DP don't regard your SC as GC?

If so, I can see why your parents have done as they've done - they hadn't thought you were pretending that your SC and DC were equal in their eyes, and now they realise that you were, despite knowing that wasn't their view, they are ensuring you can't do the same after their death. I appreciate it is so hard to get it right as a SP (as I know all too well!) but all you can control is how you treat your SC not other people and you certainly can't impose a GC relationship on your parents.

5128gap · 12/11/2024 15:55

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/11/2024 15:38

I'm not reading this the same way as you, 5218gap? Grandparents have told the OP what will be happening with the inheritance. Not with "If you don't do this, we'll do that*. No ambiguity there or plan to vacillate according to what OP will or won't do.

They've also said that they will do Christmas boxes for all four children now.

It's up to OP and her husband to plan inheritance for their children and I hope they'll get that nailed down tight.

They rang OP to tell her they are getting advice because they are concerned about her inheritance. I read that as giving the OP opportunity to apologise and reassure, because it hadn't happened yet. I'd have thought if their minds were made up they have just made the change and advised her of it. I guess only the OP is really placed to interpret it for sure, as its guesswork for the rest of us.

Wellingtonspie · 12/11/2024 15:58

5128gap · 12/11/2024 15:48

Possible. But highly unlikely. Few children are going to resent the loving family they grow up in out of concern they missed out on getting to know two distant virtual strangers. Also the family unit controls the narrative doesn't it? If the OP was that way inclined she'd be more than able to justify her decision. I certainly can't imagine two young adults turning on their mother over this. Sadly for the GP, they could end up meaning no more to the DC than the windfall their deaths brought them if the OP was of a mind to exclude them. Fortunately for them though, OP seems a very nice person, so they may get off lightly.

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You’d be very mistaken when children are denied family relationships because “it’s not fair to your step / half siblings” what happens is they resent the siblings and the parent who’s forbid them that relationship.

Because a loving good parent doesn’t stop their child having a relationship with loving family members to protect the feelings of someone else’s children. They might not agree with their own parents choice not to buy gifts or take on days out but that’s not fair or good reason to stop loving family members spending time with other family members.

Sure cut off abusive grandparents violent grandparents. But not I won’t give your step sibling £50 for Christmas grandparents.

Original poster

Gottoshare · 12/11/2024 16:01

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/11/2024 15:21

Not giving your step children Christmas boxes was horrible. I'm trying to think of why your parents would do that and I can't think of a reason? I would do that for a stranger's child, it's no big deal. I'm with you on that.

What you did with the money and the Christmas boxes was 100% wrong and there's no getting away from it. You didn't make it equal by doing that, you couldn't - the boxes were for your parents' grandchildren. You could though have made it equal by refusing those from your parents and then making 4 x Christmas boxes yourself and giving those to your children.

The money is a separate thing and is the basis of where you are now. You took it and wrongfully doled it out where it wasn't intended. I wouldn't have liked that either. This is probably why your parents have acted the way they have with the inheritance and I think they're right to do that. I would apologise unreservedly for that.

Back to the Christmas boxes though. When you spoke to your parents about them (before all this happened), what did you say to them and what was their reply? I agree with you that they should have made a box for ALL the children, all the same. I'm stumped that they didn't and wondered if they'd given a reason for that now that they've backtracked to now doing a Christmas box for all the children. It won't be in a good grace though, that ship has sailed. Very sad all around.

What do your children's paternal grandparents do for their grandchildren (all four of them)?

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They buy them each a few presents and we see them usually on Boxing Day

OP posts:

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 16:02

5128gap · 12/11/2024 15:48

Possible. But highly unlikely. Few children are going to resent the loving family they grow up in out of concern they missed out on getting to know two distant virtual strangers. Also the family unit controls the narrative doesn't it? If the OP was that way inclined she'd be more than able to justify her decision. I certainly can't imagine two young adults turning on their mother over this. Sadly for the GP, they could end up meaning no more to the DC than the windfall their deaths brought them if the OP was of a mind to exclude them. Fortunately for them though, OP seems a very nice person, so they may get off lightly.

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Not that unlikely, or uncommon. Like I said, there’s been more than one thread just on here about children ‘turning on their mother’ for exactly this reason. A family can try and control the narrative, but ultimately children are individuals that will make up their own minds, the same as OP has done.

Given that neither one of us can predict the future, we don’t know what will happen though, or how anyone involved will feel about it. They’ll be the ones that will have to live with whatever they choose to do, not us. We don’t even know that OP wants or intends to cut them off. You just seem to want that to be the case for the sake of a revenge fantasy in which the big mean villains die alone and miserable.

5128gap · 12/11/2024 16:14

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 16:02

Not that unlikely, or uncommon. Like I said, there’s been more than one thread just on here about children ‘turning on their mother’ for exactly this reason. A family can try and control the narrative, but ultimately children are individuals that will make up their own minds, the same as OP has done.

Given that neither one of us can predict the future, we don’t know what will happen though, or how anyone involved will feel about it. They’ll be the ones that will have to live with whatever they choose to do, not us. We don’t even know that OP wants or intends to cut them off. You just seem to want that to be the case for the sake of a revenge fantasy in which the big mean villains die alone and miserable.

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I said myself, the OP seems like a nice person so they may get off lightly, and didnt say anything about what I personly wanted to be the case. My comments were merely an observation on what is almost always the outcome when GPs go head to head with parents. The GPs are the greatest losers because the parents hold the cards. Often this is very unfortunate for the GPs because it means their relationships with their GC are vulnerable to the whims of parents who are not always fair or reasonable. In this case I happen to think the OP does have the right of it, but even if she didn't, the relative power of her and her parents in the situation would be the same.

GasPanic · 12/11/2024 16:21

5128gap · 12/11/2024 16:14

I said myself, the OP seems like a nice person so they may get off lightly, and didnt say anything about what I personly wanted to be the case. My comments were merely an observation on what is almost always the outcome when GPs go head to head with parents. The GPs are the greatest losers because the parents hold the cards. Often this is very unfortunate for the GPs because it means their relationships with their GC are vulnerable to the whims of parents who are not always fair or reasonable. In this case I happen to think the OP does have the right of it, but even if she didn't, the relative power of her and her parents in the situation would be the same.

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I can understand why some parents do not want their (bad) parents involved in their childrens lives.

But unless there are exceptional circumstances there aren't normally any winners or losers when parents and grandparents fight. Just losers.

And the biggest losers are mostly the kids who are deprived of the additional people who want to be in their lives.

5128gap · 12/11/2024 16:25

GasPanic · 12/11/2024 16:21

I can understand why some parents do not want their (bad) parents involved in their childrens lives.

But unless there are exceptional circumstances there aren't normally any winners or losers when parents and grandparents fight. Just losers.

And the biggest losers are mostly the kids who are deprived of the additional people who want to be in their lives.

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Yes, I think that's a fair assessment of most of these situations.

mitogoshigg · 12/11/2024 16:25

Sorry but your parents aren't very nice.

I have step daughters and my parents (let's face it mum, dad would transfer money ) always buy gifts, they aren't to the same value but are very thoughtful, they also are fully included every time despite being adults. This is the right way to deal with blended families not excluding children, poor dsc. I'm hoping you have a suitable answer, no is a complete sentence

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 16:43

5128gap · 12/11/2024 16:14

I said myself, the OP seems like a nice person so they may get off lightly, and didnt say anything about what I personly wanted to be the case. My comments were merely an observation on what is almost always the outcome when GPs go head to head with parents. The GPs are the greatest losers because the parents hold the cards. Often this is very unfortunate for the GPs because it means their relationships with their GC are vulnerable to the whims of parents who are not always fair or reasonable. In this case I happen to think the OP does have the right of it, but even if she didn't, the relative power of her and her parents in the situation would be the same.

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Like I said, I think the greatest loss would be to continue a relationship with someone willing to emotionally blackmail you into getting what they want. I wouldn’t call that a victory by any metric 🤷🏻‍♀️

The parents hold the cards only for as long as their children aren’t able to make their own decisions and judgements. By cutting her children off from their family she runs the risk of damaging her own relationship with them in future. Tbh I don’t think going down that route would be a win for anyone, ultimately.

HollyKnight · 12/11/2024 16:44

I always find it strange how some parents prioritise other people's children over their own. You're willing to damage your own children's relationship with their grandparents because they won't treat someone else's children as if they are grandchildren. You're spending your children's money on someone else's children. You're fine with your own children missing out Xmas Eve boxes because someone else's children don't get Xmas Eve boxes.

Also, have you even considered how hurt and humiliated your stepchildren will feel when they find out that you've been lying to them for all these years, causing them to believe your parents see them in a way they do not. That is so cruel. There was absolutely zero reason to do this.

I'm not surprised your parents are annoyed with you. You clearly don't give a damn about anyone's feelings other than your own. You're dressing it up as this being about your stepchildren's feelings, but this is actually about you and you wanting to impose your opinions on other people. Children are more than capable of understanding that all families are different. It was not necessary to mislead any of them into thinking that your stepchildren are equal to your children in your parents' eyes.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 12/11/2024 16:45

OP, you've thaken this they are seeking advice about my inheritance which they now want to leave in trust to my 2 dc as they have ‘concerns’ and ‘want to protect their grandchildren’s futures)

And jumped to this...... basically I’ve been told ‘have your little victory and we get the big one’**

A bit dramatic.

It's not only about you dying first and your husband then splitting it 4 ways.

It's more for a scenario where after you die, your husband remarries someone with her own kids or they have more, then you find, your daughters's inheritance is split however many the new family adds up to.

Worst case, your DH dies before the new wife and she leaves everything to her own kids.

Happens all the time.
So in essence, they are looking out for their grandkids.

Leaving a parcel at the door for two could have been handled better, which you've admitted.
Them now agreeing to 4 is a good outcome.
You can all learn from each other and go forward in a positive manner.

Do they get on with your DH? Maybe they feel you won't last as a couple and don't want to give their money to his kids.

hairbearbunches · 12/11/2024 16:53

@HollyKnight I always find it strange how some parents prioritise other people's children over their own. You're willing to damage your own children's relationship with their grandparents because they won't treat someone else's children as if they are grandchildren. You're spending your children's money on someone else's children. You're fine with your own children missing out Xmas Eve boxes because someone else's children don't get Xmas Eve boxes.

They're not random kids plucked from the street. They are the children of the OPs husband.

They're FAMILY!

HollyKnight · 12/11/2024 16:59

hairbearbunches · 12/11/2024 16:53

@HollyKnight I always find it strange how some parents prioritise other people's children over their own. You're willing to damage your own children's relationship with their grandparents because they won't treat someone else's children as if they are grandchildren. You're spending your children's money on someone else's children. You're fine with your own children missing out Xmas Eve boxes because someone else's children don't get Xmas Eve boxes.

They're not random kids plucked from the street. They are the children of the OPs husband.

They're FAMILY!

They're the OP's family, yes. Beyond that she has no say in the matter. You can not force other people to consider unrelated children to be their family.

Original poster

Gottoshare · 12/11/2024 17:12

At that point in time , the ages they were and the raw trauma they’d experienced I just wanted them to feel valued and part of our family and it was Christmas . As I’ve said maybe I misjudged some things but it wasn’t from a bad place.

OP posts:

TheMamaLife · 12/11/2024 17:17

Tandora · 11/11/2024 10:06

Wow they are truly nasty. I’d just give them a wide berth for a while OP.

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That is not nasty!! I have step children and I wouldn’t ever expect anything to be left to them from my parents.. they are my step kids, they have no relation to my parents, my parents haven’t bonded with them as they have their own grandchild from me, so why on earth should they leave anything to someone else’s child?? If the step children were adopted by OP, it would be a different story.

OP is lovely with her step kids, but her step kids are no one else’s business.. what is wrong with people her3??

Wellingtonspie · 12/11/2024 17:18

But there is never a right way or good place to take your children’s Christmas money for the two of them and basically steal it to give some of it to other children who it wasn’t given too.

Those gifts be they sweeties or cash where your children’s possessions that you decided they had to share without their knowledge or ever letting the gift giver know. It wasn’t your gift to take.

How would you feel if you got given £100 but your dh or even back then mother decided to take half of it and give it to someone else because they decided they deserved some of it.

ColaCar · 12/11/2024 17:32

TheMamaLife · 12/11/2024 17:17

That is not nasty!! I have step children and I wouldn’t ever expect anything to be left to them from my parents.. they are my step kids, they have no relation to my parents, my parents haven’t bonded with them as they have their own grandchild from me, so why on earth should they leave anything to someone else’s child?? If the step children were adopted by OP, it would be a different story.

OP is lovely with her step kids, but her step kids are no one else’s business.. what is wrong with people her3??

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Exactly! My parents will be leaving nothing to my step daughter! It wouldn’t even cross their mind.

In fact I only plan to leave my assets to my kids too and not my step daughter and again there is nothing wrong with that.

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 18:04

Gottoshare · 12/11/2024 17:12

At that point in time , the ages they were and the raw trauma they’d experienced I just wanted them to feel valued and part of our family and it was Christmas . As I’ve said maybe I misjudged some things but it wasn’t from a bad place.

The wrong thing done for the right reasons is still the wrong thing. Having good intentions is not a justification - no matter how righteous you consider the cause there’s no getting around the fact that you handled the situation badly by choosing to intentionally deceive your parents and step children.

Ime the best thing you can do is if you want to repair your relationship with them is just own it and stop repeating the same mistakes. Accept that your parents don’t feel the way you want them to, apologize for how you handled it (and don’t justify it, because ‘i’m sorry, but…’ reads like you think lying to them was their fault, and is just antagonistic. They know how you feel) and stop trying to force the issue. Don’t present them to your stepchildren as people that have taken on the role of grandparents for them, because that isn’t fair to anyone.

Original poster

Gottoshare · 12/11/2024 18:24

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 18:04

The wrong thing done for the right reasons is still the wrong thing. Having good intentions is not a justification - no matter how righteous you consider the cause there’s no getting around the fact that you handled the situation badly by choosing to intentionally deceive your parents and step children.

Ime the best thing you can do is if you want to repair your relationship with them is just own it and stop repeating the same mistakes. Accept that your parents don’t feel the way you want them to, apologize for how you handled it (and don’t justify it, because ‘i’m sorry, but…’ reads like you think lying to them was their fault, and is just antagonistic. They know how you feel) and stop trying to force the issue. Don’t present them to your stepchildren as people that have taken on the role of grandparents for them, because that isn’t fair to anyone.

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There is zero chance of me apologising to them. They have much more knowledge of the situation than I’m able to disclose on this thread and that makes their actions really deeply unpleasant. They are entitled to do whatever they wish going forwards but I’m never going to apologise to them essentially for putting the happiness of children at Christmas before their pettiness over blood relations

OP posts:

Wellingtonspie · 12/11/2024 18:29

Gottoshare · 12/11/2024 18:24

There is zero chance of me apologising to them. They have much more knowledge of the situation than I’m able to disclose on this thread and that makes their actions really deeply unpleasant. They are entitled to do whatever they wish going forwards but I’m never going to apologise to them essentially for putting the happiness of children at Christmas before their pettiness over blood relations

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Their pettiness of you stealing your children’s Christmas money to redistribute 🙃 so now they don’t trust you with money from them for the children.

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 18:44

Gottoshare · 12/11/2024 18:24

There is zero chance of me apologising to them. They have much more knowledge of the situation than I’m able to disclose on this thread and that makes their actions really deeply unpleasant. They are entitled to do whatever they wish going forwards but I’m never going to apologise to them essentially for putting the happiness of children at Christmas before their pettiness over blood relations

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Lol. Then don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ it makes no difference either way to me.

You were wrong. No matter how bad the situation, you chose to deceive your parents and your stepchildren because your parents wouldn’t give you what you wanted. Own it.

TheOnionEyes · 12/11/2024 18:51

TheMamaLife · 12/11/2024 14:14

My husband had kids from a previous relationship so I have step children too. I adore them, especially since my own son came along and looks exactly like them.. I feel like those kids could actually be mine!

The SC did not have a good start either, but have a stable home when they’re with us.

I knew what I was getting into when I entered a relationship with a man with kids. It’s a massive responsibility to be a good step mum.

However I would not expect that responsibility to be taken on by my family.. my parents are not the SCs grandparents, and have zero responsibility to them. My siblings are not their uncles and aunts. I don’t expect anyone, other than me and their dad, to include them in our wills.

Whilst you might think your parents are being mean, really and truly, your step kids have nothing to do with them. Yes, they are being mean, I do agree, but you can’t say they are being unreasonable. You sharing something that they gifted to their grandkids with others is unreasonable.

I sense there is more to the relationship with your parents than what’s revealed in your post. I sense that this Christmas box business is just a battle ground. Deal with that and maybe leave the kids out of it?

Other posters here have said that you’re a really great step mum for loving your SC like this, I don’t necessarily agree. Aside from the manipulation of someone else’s gift, (which is actually none of your business), caring for your SC in the way you have done / do should be the least a step mum does.

Oh this was superb!

BalletCat · 12/11/2024 18:53

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 18:44

Lol. Then don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ it makes no difference either way to me.

You were wrong. No matter how bad the situation, you chose to deceive your parents and your stepchildren because your parents wouldn’t give you what you wanted. Own it.

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That's basically it.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/11/2024 19:22

InterIgnis · 12/11/2024 18:44

Lol. Then don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ it makes no difference either way to me.

You were wrong. No matter how bad the situation, you chose to deceive your parents and your stepchildren because your parents wouldn’t give you what you wanted. Own it.

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Come off it!

It looked like OP wavering slightly, mentioning maybe misjudging some things and possibly taking your criticism on board.

Then you gave her instructions about how to apologise profusely to her hideous parents, telling her not to justify or explain her actions in any way because, in your opinion, her actions to protect her stepchildren were indefensible.

She then completely rejected your advice and now you are even more pissed off.