Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I am flabbergasted to see how many people are coming down on OP for being dishonest, some even accusing her for stealing dc's money. They completely fail to see the bigger picture. OP said SHE compensated for the lack of gifts. So she "lied" about the gifts coming from the grandparents, what a horrible crime. Everything she's done has been out of love and concern for ALL children. She merits admiration and support, not cold hearted rigid people coming down on her for technicalities. #TeamOP

Are you bypassing your children and giving inheritance directly to your grandchildren? Don't you think it would be nice for your children to have something when you die? Perhaps may make their lives a little easier? Or will you be happy that your children don't get anything but your 'blood grandchildren' do. I think it's odd to disinherit your daughter over some Christmas eve presents!

You clearly haven't read the full thread or you have misunderstood. The grandparents gave money to the grandchildren and OP took half of it and spent it on her step children instead. She did steal her childrens money and she lied to her parents that all the money was given to the grandchildren. That's why people are coming down on her for being dishonest.

They're not disinheriting her over Christmas presents you're being reductist. They're disinheriting her for lying about what she's spending their money on when it was given to the grandchildren.

I’m with you OP. Your parents are cruel and unkind. It sounds like your blended family is very happy and that’s what’s important.

No, they're disinheriting because they don't want any money going to the step kids because they're not considered family.

The timing is pointed, but it is something that seems to come up regularly on MN, and isn't always roundly criticised.

But they're making a point, which is cruel.

Oh fcs, how much money are we talking about here? 100£. She spent it on outing with the four children. But she could have spent it on outing for just her 2 dc if you take into account all the outings they do together so in the end nothing is "taken" from the 2 dc. The pettiness of some people on here is really disheartening.

It wasn't money per se, but cash given for a day out. The OP used it for a day out for 4 instead of 2, from my understanding. Very different.

Exactly. And she probably does plenty of outings so let's say the dgp just paid for their two dc if it makes them feel better. It would be different if it was money for savings but then I imagined they would have transferred directly into their accounts. They offered fun money and the family had fun but gp are fuming that two not bloodrelated children had fun with their siblings. It's batshit crazy.

Your parents sound horrible. You and your lovely blended family sound beautiful, tell them to shove their Xmas eve box and you carry it in your self ❤️

OP dies, her DH remarries, new wife has her own kids/have more kids together.
the DH dies, what are the chances new wife will leave anything to OP's kids????

That's what OP's parents are trying to avoid, having seen how she can't be trusted with little money.

Interesting OP hasn't replied if her parents get on well with DP.

Maybe they anticipate a separation hence not wanting to be too invested.

Exactly. I think their intentions and timings are cruel and intentional, which says a lot about them. The act itself isn't unusual or necessarily wrong though.

@Gottoshare

you did the right thing. Your parents are obviously appalling people - all this fuss coz you didn’t penalise your Sdc.

well done.

I am flabbergasted to see how low people's reading comprehension is!

OP made up the smaller difference for the Christmas eve boxes (e.g. hot chocolate sachets, maybe some PJs or whatever) by duplicating 2 more of everything for the step DC. Fine, nice, kind thing to do.

She DID NOT make up the difference for the main present - the money the grandparents gave her. They gave £100 to spend on their 2 GC, she spent £50 on them and the other £50 on her step kids. Repeatedly. And lied about it. Which she has fully admitted, so doesn't need you defending her by pretending she didn't do something she has confirmed she did deliberately and intentionally!

If she had spent the difference there out of her own money as well nobody would have an issue with it. That's why people are saying she stole the money - because that is literally what she did, albeit out of a desire to "be kind".

#Teamlearntoreadbeforekickingoff

Good for you, ignore the comments blaming you in some way.

@another1bitestheduck it was money destined for an outing. Presumably OP does several outings with her children so technically you can say that gp just paid for their dgc if it's so important. I hope you're not a stepparent yourself!

I said ‘ime the best thing you can do if you want to repair the relationship..’. It was a suggestion she’s free to take or leave, given that I’m not in the business of issuing diktats.

What I am is not the same thing as what you would like to imagine I am. I mean, if it makes you feel better though then knock yourself out, I’m not uncharitable.

It wasn't money destined for an outing. It is the OP who choses to spend it on an outing for 4 children. Presumably because she doesn't want to buy her children toys with their own money. God forbid her own children get something their siblings don't.

Maria1979 · Today 19:55
The pettiness of some people on here is really disheartening.

It really is.

It’s so hard to explain without giving identifying information but please be reassured my dc aren’t going without- they are also hugely more privileged than my SC. I’m narrowing the gap not giving more to SC. My dc have had a stable loving home from day 1. Due to what I’ve explained multiple times about very difficult circumstances SC have not been as lucky and we are trying to do the best we can. Yes I know I’ve perhaps misjudged things. I’m trying my best as I’ve said before and I’m trying to do the best for all 4 dc

@Gottoshare you may have made a bit of a boob over admitting to sharing the money but honestly, you sound like a lovely caring woman and I’m glad your step kids have you. What you’re doing for them in their lives is massive and far more important than Christmas gestures, or lack of on your parents part. Bravo to you x

I know what you are saying and I know what you are trying to do. But you are being unrealistic and because of that you will do more harm than good in some ways. You have a blended family. That isn't and never will be the same as a non-blended family. It's not lesser or worse, it is just difference and it is important for everyone to understand that. It hurts and confuses children to be told they are all exactly the same and will be treated exactly the same by everyone when they won't be. So what if your children are more privileged? They were born to different parents under different circumstances. That isn't a bad thing. It isn't their fault. And it isn't their responsibility to make things "equal" for siblings who come from a different situation.

Do you think your stepchildren are incapable of understanding that they share some family members with siblings and others that they don't? Did you think they wouldn't understand that their siblings share one set of grandparents and another set that they don't? And that this will mean that sometimes their siblings will get gifts and experiences that they won't. If they are hurt by this it is only because you and their father have misled them. Your stepchildren are living in a lie now. If they ever find out the truth, it will taint all those happy memories you have given them. Who do you think they will blame for that? Children aren't stupid.

Oh for goodness sake! I bet the poor OP wishes she had never posted! The poor woman has already admitted that she might have misjudged the situation. Why do you all have to be so nasty? Just why? Does it make you feel better about yourselves?
Yes, maybe she should have provided the Christmas boxes for her SC from the start and made it clear that her and her DH had paid for them.
All I see, is a caring and fabulous step mother, who is trying to do her best for all four children.

Quite frankly her parents could be more compassionate just like she clearly is.

I'm sure her SC are fully aware of the differences. For a start they are older. You don't have to keep picking away at the poor OP!

Christ, have a word with yourself. The parents gave her money to spend on the children and went po-faced when realizing that their daughter interpreted this to mean 'all' children in the family.

She didn't lie to her parents, she just quietly compensated for their lack of kindness. What should she have done, give them an expense statement?

OP I think you handled it well.