Drunk teenager- punishment or not?

[Stressedgiraffe]

Dd 18 last night went out to the cinema after college and ended up horrendous shit faced.
The plan was for dh to meet her off the bus and walk her home. We live in a village with hourly bus in evenings
She missed her stop and ended up in the next village.
Luckily there was a pub next to the busstop and they gave her water and security waited with her till the next bus back to us.
The bus driver refused to let her on.
So this resulted in a panic to get a taxi to collect her.
We don't drive so I ended up getting a £60 taxi to collect her. For a 5 min drive . As it needed to be paid from our city to our village to where she was and back.
Dh thinks she should be punished but I don't know. She doesn't have a job but has an interview next week.
I'm just glad she got home safely
What should we do?

Could her drink have been spiked?
Another chat about safe drinking, not leaving your drink, not accepting drinks from others or you haven't seen poured etc might be in order.

I doubt she'll have a hangover anyway. I used to binge drink at that age - being ignorant rather than stupid, and I never had a hangover. I really wish my parents had explained alcohol better to me than giving me a single shot of vodka 'so you can feel what being drunk is like'. It felt really good to me so it wasn't a discouragement at all.

My point is that if they punish their adult daughter, she won’t come to them when she’s in trouble, which is absolutely not what you want as the parent of a teenager, hence the hangover being ‘punishment’ enough.

Yes, I agree with this.

I wouldn't punish her, but I also wouldn't shield her from the consequences of her actions. She's an adult, and when adults get shit faced and end up costing other people money, they have to pay them back. No need for any drama.

possibly controversial but I wouldn't expect her to pay for the taxi given her living circumstances are out of her control. It's quite unusual to live in such a rural area that there is only one bus an hour and even more unusual to choose to live there when both parents don't drive, and I'm assuming that's not ideal for dd.

If she lived in a bigger town or city then there would be more buses, or taxis would be cheaper, or a friend could have given her a lift.
If either of her parents drove she could have got a 5 minute lift.

Me and my siblings all got too drunk at least once in our teens - dad just picked us up - no cost to anyone other than a 5 min drive for him - the only 'punishment' was the hangover.

I would have a talk with her about the danger she put herself in, maybe ask for a contribution to the taxi, but £60 is a lot for a teenager still in school. I'd be wary that if it happens again she'd just say 'fuck it' and walk, which would obviously be dangerous. Yes she did the wrong thing by getting drunk but she also did the right thing by trying to get home herself, and contacting you so I wouldn't come down too harshly on her.

Good grief I was living on my own in London at 18. No mummy coming to collect me. She is lucky you all looked after her. If this is a one off I'd put it down to experience OP - I am sure her hangover will be enough. When she gets a job she can pay for the taxi, I hope she does get the job. Good luck.

I would not punish and feel like she will suffer enough today with her hangover and embarrassment. Of course, if she doesn't appear embarrassed/ apologise I would be reminding her of what happened and what it cost.

I wouldn't make her apologise to the pub - God, the shame. They are, after all, a pub, and deal with drunk people all the time. I guess you could go and say thank you as a parent, but I don't think a teenager turning up to thank security would be particularly normal/expected, and I think it would feel excruciating for her.

Of course you don't punish her.

1. To be blunt, your inability to drive, albeit for justifiable reasons, coupled with your decision to live where there is a lack of public transport, is already putting her in a vulnerable position. You don't surely want to make things worse.

1. Personally I wouldn't make her pay the whole taxi fare either - again it's entirely not her fault that she has a domestic set-up that means there isn't even a taxi option she can reasonably use.

1. If it was only a cinema trip, and she is usually able to judge how much she's had to drink, can you be certain she hasn't been spiked?

Again, parents that don't drive, no local taxi, crap public transport, presumably living somewhere very small and quiet - she's really really vulnerable and you all need to work out how to reduce that vulnerability, not punish her for it.

She needs to learn from this incident, not be punished for it.

She needs to know that she can call you any time of the day or night and that you will help her.

Next time she is in a sticky situation, she might not call if you punish her this time. And then she’ll be at the mercy of whoever is there.

She may have been spiked? If it’s very unusual it’s a possibility?

Ah I see. Well in that case, I agree with you.

I think that she should deal with the consequences but not sure she needs a punishment. She should definitely go back to the pub today to thank the staff who helped her, maybe take a big tub of chocolate as a thank you, and repay the taxi money. Also apologise to you for stressing you out, but it sounds like she will do that. Binge drinking gets minimised but I'd also want to check that she understands the health risks and risks to her safety.

i would not take her first paycheque - what an awful introduction to the world of work

you need to forget the £60

What she's hopefully learned from this is that at the moment she can't just get pissed without a plan like someone who lived more centrally could.

• She needs to be sober enough to remember to press the button on the bus

• She needs to be sober enough for a bus driver to allow her onto a bus

I mean, it happens, it certainly happened to me, but at worst I was a 1hr walk through well lit streets home, or the phone call of shame to either of my driving parents.

If she's usually sensible then she'll have learned. I think it can be a bit of a shock the first time alcohol really incapacitates you and it's not neccessarily something she could have fully predicted.

But now she knows. I'd give her a pass this time and go halves on the taxi.

Only punishment should be paying the money back

The concept of "punishing" an 18yo is really bizarre. Make her pay for the taxi if you want (though it isn't her fault that you and DH have chosen to live in a rural location without your own transport) but definitely don't frame it as a punishment.

Personally, I would cover the cost of the taxi. You've said that your dd already feels bad about what happened, so hopefully she will learn from it. My priority would be to ensure that she would feel able to contact us for help in future if it happened again. If she thinks she might have to cough up £60 for a taxi, she might be tempted to get in a car with someone else who offers a lift...

Get the hoover on, OP. 😈

Why don’t either of you drive? The £60 would be irrelevant if one of you did, that’s not for daughter’s fault. Yabu for not learning to drive. Dd is 18, some kids do this younger.

@Stressedgiraffe I am actually shocked that the city's taxi licensing committee allow their taxis to charge literally double the fare!! in my village everyone drives. when my kids were younger I would actually go and collect them from the nightclubs. they preferred this to waiting about in the freezing cold risking involvment in trouble. my children both drove at 17 and my daughter passed her test at 17 and three weeks old. once they passed their tests they were allowed to take my car and be designated driver till their friends learned.

Do not make her pay for the taxi! It is in no way her fault that neither or her parents drive and decided to live in a rural location. That’s bizarre.

She's an adult she needs to fund the taxi.

She knows where she lives and what her situation is. It is absolutely her responsibility to get herself home using the available transport.

Her parents should not have to fund her drunken irresponsibility.

She’s 18. Realistic parenting is required. I would give her some grace.