Christmas and a Muslim husband .. help!

[AmberHiker]

Hello everyone I’d really like some outside perspective because I’m literally drained from going around in circles with my husband .

He is a born Muslim. He is on and off with the level of practising but mainly sticks to the key principles of Islam but has not been praying for some years now . I am a revert. I am not a ‘ practising ‘ Muslim but I believe in Islam and what it stands for .

we have a 8 year old son and I have older kids who aren’t Muslim. For the past 11 years I’ve changed up Christmas but not given it up as for me it was never about the relegious aspect it was about the feeling , the gift giving and decorating the home plus enjoying all the foods and so on. With our son I still decorate the home and we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas. He is aware of who god is to him and to us and what we believe in.

my husband has really been giving me a hard time over recent weeks . He has stated I’m a Christian which I’m not and that I’m acting just like one . He refuses to agree that for me I’ve never linked Christmas to religion and he’s never seen me do it. He keeps going into massive tantrums pointing out I’m showing our son the wrong way . This is making me upset as I don’t feel we have much to look forward too in the uk and Christmas is a nice time of year. I enjoy the festivity and owe it to my older grown children to share with them.

when I point out that he is not doing anything that would identify him as a Muslim to me if I didn’t know him he gets offended. He is not practising not praying not fasting but is determined to take this away from me and our son. like I said if he was devout I could understand the possible problem by example having a tree in the house decorated but he isn’t and the whole thing seems so stupid .

for context he was previously married to a devout Christian who taught and showed him about Christmas ( this is where I think he has the impression it’s for relegious people ) and during their marriage Christmas a big thing in their home too, but so was bacon and alcohol. If I was to ask him was he a Muslim where he was married to her he would say yes he was yet that was allowed to happen …

sorry for the rant but all I do is share some gifts and decorate the home yet it’s a constant battle any mention of the c word and boom it’s a argument. He said I should spend the same effort showing our son about Islam but when I pointed out it’s his job as the man to lead he said he doesn’t have time to show him.. 😂

am I wrong to not give it up

He’s being an idiot, I lived in the gulf, you could see peoples xmas trees in windows sometimes. It’s treated like a winter festival, I have muslim friends who bloody love a xmas tree. I’m not a Christian and I love xmas.

He’s a controlling arse and I imagine it’s not just xmas where he kicks off about stuff.

Tell him to get stuffed. I'm not at all religious but would hate to miss out on Christmas celebrations. It was a midwinter festival for a long time before Christianity butted in.

@AmberHiker it sounds like something has changed in your relationship recently that goes beyond whether or not you have a tree up.

Has he changed in any other aspects of his life? Eg is he hanging around with new people, being secretive, changing his daily habits, arguing more?

People can go through changes in how much or how little they practise a faith, but it sounds like he's been pretty non-practising but has rather abruptly jumped on this one issue. I'd be wondering about what's prompted that - for example, was this similar to how he started acting when his last relationship neared its end - is this part of his version of a 'script' or is he trying to be controlling?

It could be that he's genuinely just trying to make changes to how he relates to his faith, but he should be working on that through respectful discussions and self-reflection rather than sulking and upsetting people.

Does he have any siblings or parents you could recruit to speak with him about how his behaviour change and attitude towards you is concerning? If there's something going on that for whatever reason he doesn't feel able to talk openly about with you, there's a chance he might with them.

He sounds like a dreadful hypocrite who is using this as a tool to better you. Sounds like he doesn't really care much about being a Muslim but also doesn't want you to enjoy Christmas.

Of course it’s going to feel like a punishment to a little boy of 8 to suddenly say he can’t do Christmas when he always has. To take away the fun, joy and excitement he’s used to and leave him with nothing will be a massive loss to him.

It’s clear you don’t understand Christmas at all, or what it means to people. You can’t empathise with the OP or her child.

I'm totally in your corner.

Christmas is a religious thing for religious people - and good for them. For the rest of us it is a cultural thing. About traditions and memories and identity. We can all do as much or as little as we wish.

We've got some Jewish friends and they are 'properly' Jewish - go to synagogue, observe the Jewish holidays, make Friday night dinner, the whole shebang. But they also have fun celebrating Christmas, complete with tree, turkey, crackers and a few presents. You can absolutely have the best of all worlds.

I'm afraid it sounds to me like your husband is behaving like an arse. Stand your ground, OP.

@mumstheword223

I wasn't referring to Christmas I was referring to this man trying to control op and the dc and causing misery.

The human rights article 8 supercedes "everything" because we are all born with those rights.

They protect us from all sorts of bizzare and insane stuff as well as basic level control.

What I absolutely adore about Christmas is that it is entirely inclusive for anyone to partake.

As pp have said you can totally ignore any part of it, jesus, father Christmas and so on and still have a good time because there is so much to it.

Nigel slater mentions this at the start of Christmas chronicles. There is something for everyone, celebrating diversity and inclusion.

I wouldn't be taking religious 'guidance' from a man ho didn't bother to practice his religion.

Tell him to put a sock in it and you'll discuss his religious intentions on boxing day. Have a lovely Christmas with the kids op.

He sounds very controlling and a complete hypocrite with no faith at all. Every time he says something, you look at your watch. You say I’m checking the time you could have had to teach your son about Islam, Mr I don’t have time since I’m busy criticising my wife. I’m personally using this time to mentally plan making Christmas bigger, as I won’t tolerate this hypocrisy. I’m buying tinsel now/ making Christmas cake/ biscuits/ tree shaped candles. I do not care what but make it clear every time he says something you double down. In your place I’d say if this is how a Muslim man acts to his wife I’m not sure Islam is all that, maybe Christianity is the better choice.

Is he a good husband at all? Sounds like a lazy asshole who likes to criticise you while making no effort at all.

How ridiculous. I know practising Muslim families who celebrate Christmas as it is part of the culture in this country and they enjoy it. I am not religious but celebrate Christmas. He cannot stop you celebrating Christmas or teaching your son about it. Thus behaviour from him is horrible and controlling.

But he isn’t amping up the Islamic influence on our son. He isn’t showing him how to pray or reminding him about Allah… he says he doesn’t have time to teach him anything . He does however have time to have a meltdown over the upcoming celebration

I love this response so much! Thank you ! I’ve become so drained constantly being attacked verbally and finding myself explaining and justifying and I’m at the point now I’m exhausted . The next time he starts I will do as you suggested . For the people who say maybe this is a turning point for him and he wants to be more on his deen , absolutely not ! If I didn’t know him personally I would have no idea he identified as a Muslim by the way he conducts himself . I’ve told him to take himself out the house when we have our celebrations so he can’t have a meltdown …

He... hasn't taught an 8 year old boy how to pray? Yeah, this is about more than simply Christmas. Something else is going on... He's not been interested in some very basic elements of faith but out of nowhere started making accusations about you and behaving very intensely about one thing that's not been an issue previously.

Good for you. The best way to deal with controlling twatishness like this is to stand firm. There's no excuse for his behaviour.

Isn't there a difference between 'celebrating Christmas' and just doing the food/present thing?
I'm agnostic so I suppose I don't really celebrate Christmas in the sense of acknowledging a religious meaning, but I still have Christmas dinner, give presents etc.
I'd be interested to hear a Muslim view on this. I can completely understand that attaching a religious meaning would be wrong, but is it wrong to treat it as I do (and presumably how the OP does) and just enjoy the food and give some presents?

The Islamic view (I don’t say Muslim view given Muslims have different levels of faith and don’t necessarily follow Islam to a T) is that Christmas should not be celebrated as it’s a sin. Regardless of the religious connotation, it is an imitation of non Muslims. The Prophet peace be upon has said: “Whosover resembled a people then he is from them”. Therefore even if you’re aren’t doing it for religious reasons it’s still forbidden. If Muslims began to imitate non Muslims, we would eventually lose our identity over time and it would be difficult to distinguish Muslims from non Muslims. It’s important for us to preserve the identity of Islam.

In Islam we have two Eid’s every year on which Muslims gather as a family and exchange gifts etc just as people do for Christmas so we aren’t missing out on anything.

Allah has given humans free will to do as they please so if Op is going to celebrate after giving her advice from an Islamic point of view then we leave it between her and Allah.

Hope that helps

Well done, OP. The holier than thou crowd on here are totally missing the point, which is that he is just being a twat for the sake of it. Have a lovely Christmas with your children

Thank you, I am not a Muslim but this is what I've been trying to say. Celebrating and adorning the home with images attached to another religion (if only for the purpose of "entertainment") would be contrary to Islam and, indeed, most other faiths.

Gina except most people put tinsel up and snowflakes or little cute woodland animals which are nothing to do with jesus.

Interestingly a quick Google shows the origins of eid rather like Christmas have been appropriated by the prophet Muhammed when he moved from mecca to medina and the people were already celebrating. So he then said ok let's make this a celebration!!

Regardless of the religious connotation, it is an imitation of non Muslims. The Prophet peace be upon has said: “Whosover resembled a people then he is from them”. Therefore even if you’re aren’t doing it for religious reasons it’s still forbidden.

But isn't that exactly what the husband is doing with his Santa hat?

The Santa hat is currently exercising a lot of my brain space. I've mentioned before on this thread that Santa (even if it happened a long time ago, was taken on by Coca Cola and most people don't remember the origins) is based on the Christian St Nicholas. Shirk, surely?

He is wearing the hat to imply to his customers that he is entering the spirit of Christmas so that they give him bigger tips. If he gave no such indication people may not see a need to increase their tip because it's not a celebration to him. Some may even wonder if a bigger tip to acknowledge Christmas would be offensive to him. So he's wearing it to manipulate people. To give them a false impression. Another example of his hypocrisy.

Stop arguing with muslims when they are telling you that partaking and celebrating Christmas is haram.

a simple google will tell you that.

the origins of both Eid’s aren’t appropriated one is the end of Ramadan and the other the commemoration of Abraham being prepared to sacrifice Isaac coinciding with Hajj

I don’t think that hat is shirk, that would be decorating and celebrating Christmas but the hat isn’t great. If you were ignorant enough to think it was just from Coca Cola it might be one thing but pretty much everyone knows Santa is the literal emblem of Christmas and there is no need to dress up as him (as a Muslim) that being said, if OPs husband has repented and does not continue this behaviour then we should accept that from him and move on ( obviously that’s a big If)

but two wrongs don’t make a right and it’s OPs responsibility to make good choices islamically speaking too, so the whataboutery isn’t really appropriate.

@Mvslimah.. The only argument you've given is that it's a religious ceremony and you have not accepted at all that actually it's one large hodge potch of many different layers and traditions over the years.

A celebration happening in medina when he arrived 🫤 he then said let's have a two day celebration. Jewish and pagan celebrations were happening in the middle East before Muhammed just like Jesus