Christmas and a Muslim husband .. help!

[AmberHiker]

Hello everyone I’d really like some outside perspective because I’m literally drained from going around in circles with my husband .

He is a born Muslim. He is on and off with the level of practising but mainly sticks to the key principles of Islam but has not been praying for some years now . I am a revert. I am not a ‘ practising ‘ Muslim but I believe in Islam and what it stands for .

we have a 8 year old son and I have older kids who aren’t Muslim. For the past 11 years I’ve changed up Christmas but not given it up as for me it was never about the relegious aspect it was about the feeling , the gift giving and decorating the home plus enjoying all the foods and so on. With our son I still decorate the home and we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas. He is aware of who god is to him and to us and what we believe in.

my husband has really been giving me a hard time over recent weeks . He has stated I’m a Christian which I’m not and that I’m acting just like one . He refuses to agree that for me I’ve never linked Christmas to religion and he’s never seen me do it. He keeps going into massive tantrums pointing out I’m showing our son the wrong way . This is making me upset as I don’t feel we have much to look forward too in the uk and Christmas is a nice time of year. I enjoy the festivity and owe it to my older grown children to share with them.

when I point out that he is not doing anything that would identify him as a Muslim to me if I didn’t know him he gets offended. He is not practising not praying not fasting but is determined to take this away from me and our son. like I said if he was devout I could understand the possible problem by example having a tree in the house decorated but he isn’t and the whole thing seems so stupid .

for context he was previously married to a devout Christian who taught and showed him about Christmas ( this is where I think he has the impression it’s for relegious people ) and during their marriage Christmas a big thing in their home too, but so was bacon and alcohol. If I was to ask him was he a Muslim where he was married to her he would say yes he was yet that was allowed to happen …

sorry for the rant but all I do is share some gifts and decorate the home yet it’s a constant battle any mention of the c word and boom it’s a argument. He said I should spend the same effort showing our son about Islam but when I pointed out it’s his job as the man to lead he said he doesn’t have time to show him.. 😂

am I wrong to not give it up

Yes, and really quite a red flag for controlling behaviour.

One imagines that if OP had a change of heart entirely and decided Eid was no longer to be celebrated by their child, the posters arguing would have something to say then.

Also I just wanted to say I actually agree with some of the non Muslims on this thread. They do also have some very valid points. One of those being, that it would be hard for the kids to suddenly stop celebrating Christmas when they had done previously.
I am not keen on the anti Muslim ones though. We can have differing opinions without the hate.

I think people obsessing over the rightness or wrongness of things according to Islamic law are just completely missing the point here in an order to tell OP how wrong she is. It comes across as very holier than thou.

The fact of the matter is OP’s 3 children 23, 17 and 8 have always celebrated Christmas. A compromise of only visiting relatives hardly works when I imagine at least 2 of those children live with the OP. The DH’s other children also celebrate Christmas and he buys gifts for them and partakes in other Christmas activities.

Given the fact that this is nothing Muslim about the way he lives his life this is only about control. More people in the household want the marking of Christmas to continue so he doesn’t get to just stamp his feet after a decade and have everyone bend to his whim.

Even if he has suddenly decided he now cares about living a more religious life there are so many things he could change to live his life in a more acceptable Islamic way. He doesn’t, he can’t be arsed! Says it all.

One of those being, that it would be hard for the kids to suddenly stop celebrating Christmas when they had done previously.

Exactly. It would be the same whatever the important cultural festival was. Could just as easily be substituted with lunar new year, Pesach, birthdays, if that were something OPs family had previously done and one parent was now trying to unilaterally bar it. Unfortunately though, some of the other Muslim posters on this thread can't see beyond their own noses, and are making it all about them.

Oh what? An utterly vacuous day of getting chocolate? Yeah gladly.

they’re the children, I’m the parent and I make decisions on their behalf on what I believe to be best. I took them on holiday last Halloween and they had they didn’t really ask this year, only when it was too late and then we did some autumn baking instead. Yeah they’re really suffering 🙄

If we're going to have merailing analogies, worth pointing out that Halloween isn't of the same cultural importance as Christmas. Try and pick something equivalent.

Yes of course you are their parent and if you are determined to turn your nose up at things most UK kids enjoy then they'll have to make the most of it.

it’s not an analogy it’s an example from my life, that stopping a celebration even if children have done it before isn’t deprivation

@Mvslimah Oh what? An utterly vacuous day of getting chocolate? Yeah gladly.

You’re being really disingenuous. If a child has been raised with Christmas being celebrated in the common way in the UK, decorations, Christmas tree, lights, presents then yeah to suddenly say “I’ve changed religion so Santa doesn’t visit you anymore” is a negative thing for those children.
OP has two non Muslim children, if the DH had such an issue with her treating them as non Muslims then he shouldn’t have married another non Muslim. He doesn’t get to dictate how she raises her children that aren’t his and it would be petty and cruel to decide to no longer mark Christmas for the 8 year old when his multiple step siblings on both sides celebrate it.

It's certainly a merail though, because your family and their feelings on Halloween aren't actually important. That has nothing to tell us about these children, who do enjoy and have always celebrated Christmas. Radical, I know, but it's not about you.

She'd understand well enough what the problem was if OP unilaterally decided their son was no longer going to celebrate Eid, and thought she could dictate to the other parent.

But he didn’t marry a non Muslim, she’s a revert. So a Muslim

as I’ve said, I’ve had to put my foot down and put a stop to things like Santa and trick or treating and I’ve taught my kids that it’s not part of our Identity and we don’t believe in it. Although it does make me cross my husband confused them in the first place. so OPs husband is free to do the same, especially as Islamically it’s the correct thing to do

Good for you. Anyway, back to the OP...

My point was it’s not depriving the children to stop Xmas, or Halloween or anything else even if they celebrated it before.

its just odd that OP is a revert, says she’s practicing but wants a Christmas tree, married a Muslim, yet is shocked he no longer wants to celebrate Christian festivals.

Well we don’t know when the OP converted or if she converted because of her DH or not.

You clearly take such issue with this because it’s a problem for you in your life and you’re determined to view yourself as right and justified, buts not comparable. OPs children have always celebrated Christmas, OP doesn’t want them to not.
It doesn’t matter if you “don’t believe in it” the OP and her children do. If you think that makes her a bad Muslim that’s still not relevant.
There is a whole lot her DH could do if he wanted to live a more devout life.

I'm so glad I'm not religious and can pick and choose what I do and how I celebrate anything I feel like.

Having to observe someone else's rules seems like a total ball ache.

Yes, we all know what your point is, and it's wrong. Children who are forcibly prevented from celebrating an enjoyed, important cultural festival because the parent has changed their mind are being deprived. It's a parenting fail.

You're right that OPs situation is an odd one. But just about the only logical thing here is her expectation that a man who already celebrated of Christmas (complete with alcohol and pork!!!) plus Christian children to continue with his established pattern of behaviour.

It would be interesting to see if he expects to continue buying Christmas presents for his older, Christian children this year.

@Mvslimah its just odd that OP is a revert, says she’s practicing but wants a Christmas tree, married a Muslim, yet is shocked he no longer wants to celebrate Christian festivals.

There are actually many ways that he partakes in celebrating Christmas though, the only ones he has an issue with are the things OP does.

This thread is tedious now.

what I think it’s irrelevant.

facts are, OPs husband is Muslim. So is OP, she wants Christmas, he doesn’t. He used to be ok with it and now he’s not. He’s entitled to change his mind, islamically this is the correct stance so it’s not like he’s plucking it from the sky and using it as a beating stick. Either she compromises, he gives in or the relationship is over. They are clearly on very different paths.

you can’t have the penny and the bun.

Can I just say I appreciate the muslims on this thread giving views. It is only when we all share views with each other that we understand each other (even if we very much disagree on some issues). Just as with Christianity there are many ways to be a muslim never mind the major divides like sunni and shia and not surprisingly people who believe in what they do will always in most religions believe they are right - as that is indeed what believe is all about.

His first wife was a Christian and, as a Muslim, he was not permitted to prevent her from practising her faith. You have said you are a Muslim revert and, as such, he feels you should not be indulging in traditions or putting up symbols of another faith. Your son is now 8 and your husband is going to start ramping up the Islamic influence and teachings for his son. Your husband is also older since his first marriage, and a desire to return to cultural or religious roots often strengthens with age. In essence, I think the crux of the matter is that you are Islamic and so is your son and Christmas should not feature in your life.

@Mvslimah you can’t have the penny and the bun.

You can actually. Her ‘D’H is the only thing trying to stop her.
Many people across the globe pick and choose which elements of their religion they align with the most. Almost no one is a total puritan and lives it to the letter, your own family included since your children have been trick or treating and have believed in Santa.
OP is perfectly within her rights if she is wants to consider herself a Muslim and give her kids presents in December.

You’re right that if neither of them want to bend then they need to consider what their relationship is doing .

But again this is a man who wears Christmas jumpers to work, sends Christmas cards, buys Christmas gifts for his older children so I’m still certain this is a man exerting control over his life and using religion to justify it because for all intents and purposes this is a man who does actually celebrate Christmas himself.

@ginasevern Your son is now 8 and your husband is going to start ramping up the Islamic influence and teachings for his son

He isn’t though. The husband has all but said he can’t be arsed and he couldn’t possibly have any time at all to show his son any Islamic teachings.

Your son is now 8 and your husband is going to start ramping up the Islamic influence and teachings for his son.

He's said quite the opposite! OP asked him to lead in ensuring their son learns about Islam, and he claimed not to have time. Doesn't appear to have exerted himself to celebrate important Muslim festivals either, OP says she does it all for Eid.

Doesn't mean he won't expect his Islamic wife to teach the son though. In fact, in Islam, it is often the responsibility of the mother especially if the father is working and the mother isn't or she works fewer hours.