Christmas and a Muslim husband .. help!

[AmberHiker]

Hello everyone I’d really like some outside perspective because I’m literally drained from going around in circles with my husband .

He is a born Muslim. He is on and off with the level of practising but mainly sticks to the key principles of Islam but has not been praying for some years now . I am a revert. I am not a ‘ practising ‘ Muslim but I believe in Islam and what it stands for .

we have a 8 year old son and I have older kids who aren’t Muslim. For the past 11 years I’ve changed up Christmas but not given it up as for me it was never about the relegious aspect it was about the feeling , the gift giving and decorating the home plus enjoying all the foods and so on. With our son I still decorate the home and we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas. He is aware of who god is to him and to us and what we believe in.

my husband has really been giving me a hard time over recent weeks . He has stated I’m a Christian which I’m not and that I’m acting just like one . He refuses to agree that for me I’ve never linked Christmas to religion and he’s never seen me do it. He keeps going into massive tantrums pointing out I’m showing our son the wrong way . This is making me upset as I don’t feel we have much to look forward too in the uk and Christmas is a nice time of year. I enjoy the festivity and owe it to my older grown children to share with them.

when I point out that he is not doing anything that would identify him as a Muslim to me if I didn’t know him he gets offended. He is not practising not praying not fasting but is determined to take this away from me and our son. like I said if he was devout I could understand the possible problem by example having a tree in the house decorated but he isn’t and the whole thing seems so stupid .

for context he was previously married to a devout Christian who taught and showed him about Christmas ( this is where I think he has the impression it’s for relegious people ) and during their marriage Christmas a big thing in their home too, but so was bacon and alcohol. If I was to ask him was he a Muslim where he was married to her he would say yes he was yet that was allowed to happen …

sorry for the rant but all I do is share some gifts and decorate the home yet it’s a constant battle any mention of the c word and boom it’s a argument. He said I should spend the same effort showing our son about Islam but when I pointed out it’s his job as the man to lead he said he doesn’t have time to show him.. 😂

am I wrong to not give it up

So he's been fine with Christmas decorations and gift exchange for decade but now for the past few weeks it has been a problem? What has happened? Is he British or moved to UK from a muslim country? Like in most mixed couples you both show your own culture while respecting the other.

My MIL is a muslim, FIL is not. When their kids were little they'd do culturally traditional christmas. So like gifts, roast, boxing day match. and then there would be ramadan celebrations. Not in religious sense but in cultural sense. Every muslim family I know (where both parents are muslim) celebrate christmas. They might not call it that. They put out winter lights, have a nicer meal, invite family over. Some even have a tree and some have gifts. Everyone makes it their own. Does your husband want christams to be just like any bank holiday monday?

I have no religion j live in dewsbury as you may know this had a big community of muslims now in my local face book page they were asking where they could get a halal Christmas dinner. So actually I do know that many do have Christmas dinner to. Of course on both eid you gift presents but I have heard a few also gove Christmas presents to so I reckon it depends on what gloats your boat

I was also married to a muslim and he did the same however i never became a muslim. For him he just wanted to control me. It was the first in what became a long line of issues until i divorced him

He’s a lazy hypocritical wanker, he hasn’t cared about Christmas before then why does he care now? Just to give you a hard time by the sound of it

In communist countries we had Ded Moroz and new years eve and the tree was decorated just as the christmas tree and was called just the pine tree with decorations. Ded Moroz ( Father Frost ) was the same looking as Father Christmas. Gifts, food, parties etc

Just to say also, I highly advise asking this on the Muslim board if you are looking for Islamic advice. A lot of the replies to your post are based on people’s experiences of knowing Muslims, however just because some Muslims do things a certain way doesn’t mean they are acting in accordance with Islam. You also may be able to get some helpful advice from other reverts who have been in the same situation as you.

It is hugely advisable atheist or christian or western women to leave Muslim men to date Muslim women only.

I can see why a Muslim person wouldn't celebrate as although they believe in jesus they do not believe he was the son of God. Christmas is about that really, jesus being the son of God on earth.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong.

What a moronic statement. You do realise that it's possible to be both Western and Muslim, or non-Western and Christian/atheist, don't you?

I have a practising Muslim colleague whose whole family do all the non-religeous bits of Christmas including Christmas cards to us all, a roast dinner on the day itself (halal of course) and presents.

How old are your older kids? If they live with you it's a bit shit of the step father to be controlling their celebrations/not having a tree in their own house.

I don't see why you can't celebrate it, I'm Christian but last week i cooked my family a Diwali meal and we looked at the fireworks.

Yes I believe you should ask this on a Muslim board but even then I guess you will have mixed responses.
Many are saying that Muslims do have lights up and have Christmas trees/ dinners etc but @Saqah22 is actually correct. You are not meant to adopt Christian beliefs even if not associating religion with it.
I just wanted to say this as not everyone, including some Muslims know this.
However your case is very different in the sense that you have previously "celebrated" this before and he was fine with it to an extent. It seems like you and he went into this relationship without some expectations and it's not fair for him to suddenly decide that he wants these now.
That is why these discussions/expecting should be given serious thought before embarking on a relationship as it is not correct to suddenly want something that was not agreed upon.
I do not know what advice to give you except he is on the wrong to suddenly expect you to drop everything and be fine with this. I guess you could try find middle ground but he needs to be told that he needs to give you leeway and take your feelings into account and you can't drop everything, it is not correct.
If you do actually want to be a more practising muslim, you can mention that you will try in future but he cant expect you to adapt everything all at once. It will take time.

Loads of Muslims celebrate Christmas OP and it is the reality that your family consists of Muslims and non-Muslims. It’s awful when things just go round and round with seemingly no resolution. It’s exhausting so you have my sympathy there.

Somehow your husband needs to understand that this isn’t about him or his personal faith / interpretation

You have a family and Christmas is significant for them. It’s not fair of him to be so inflexible and make decisions on behalf of everyone in the family. Good luck, hope he’s a good’un and sees sense in the end

Why are you entertaining this when he can’t be arsed to even talk to his son about what he apparently finds so important about Islam?

’You don’t get involved, you don’t get to whinge’ would be my response.

I’m sceptical that he can’t understand that Christmas is often just a cultural celebration, rather than a religious one, tbh.

Parents I guess get to make decisions for their kids, and maybe you can compromise

tree with only green decorations? And just Grinch because he’s green! Make it your own holiday, see if you can get him to at least be a little bit Jolly!

I grew up in a very Jewish community. Many families had “Hanukkah bush” which is a tree with more blue/white theme. A lot of families did gifts on 25th and had meals on the day.

This. He's being a controlling knob and needs to be told to wind his neck in. It was OK when he wanted to celebrate Christmas. He doesn't get to inflict his rigid views on your children now.

If he wants to avoid your very gentle non-religious Christmas, he can sod off back to his parents until twelfth night.

Is he becoming increasingly fervent about his faith?

Not an expert, but there are many religions including Islam but also Judaism that don't celebrate religions outside their own and don't do Christmas. I think your Husband's view is likely to represent the view of the vast majority of other Muslims. You could get an elder in the community or an Iman to advise you, although I don't think this is the issue here. The issue is you have a separate religion from your older children and live in a culture that is very Christmas orientated. Is there a way you can spend time with your family and not celebrate Christmas but still enjoy sharing a meal altogether? If your older children aren't Christian would it be a problem if you're not partaking in Christmas events but just spending the time as a family? Can they give gifts to each other but you aren't involved? Can your Muslim side of your family support you by helping you enjoy the bank holidays without Christmas being involved?

Plenty of non Christians celebrate Christmas! Most of the UK are now not practising Christians.

It’s just another day, it’s also culturally important. It would be a shame to miss out. It doesn’t need to have lots of religious connections. I say this as a practising Christian. I celebrate Halloween, it doesn’t mean I’m pagan or I’m treating it as anything deeper than a bit of fun!

I should add though that the communication between your husband is not ideal here and I'm not condoning it with my previous comment!! He is clearly upsetting you and I would treat that as a separate issue. For what it's worth I don't think there is any reason you should be given a hard time about this, you are a revert in a challenging situation and should be shown love and support.

There so many layers that need peeling and fixing here OP. Your fundamentally on 2 different wavelengths re faith which is a big problem in any relationship. I think that's the first thing that needs fixing and then the rest will flow from that.

In Islam there's a set compass to follow but one which recognises your struggles as a revert- with compassion and mercy. So whilst I don't think it's right re Xmas celebrations so full on in a Muslim household, this is your struggle between you and God and one that needs more than some mumsnet guidance. Reach out to some local revert groups and see how they navigate it? It's something that will come slowly as long as your clear you want to be working towards the goal that bring you closer to God not the other way.

Your husbands approach with you is harsh and maybe needs to be told how insensitive it is but fundamentally he isn't wrong. It's just harder to hear it from someone who is less than perfect himself and not following what he preaches. That's a problem, he needs pulling up on. He needs to spend more time focusing on himself but likely you both need to do that but are making it about and 8 yr old & Xmas to deflect.

Also, perhaps your husband can get his own house in order with respect to his own religious practice and not focus on low hanging fruit like Xmas decorations.

It might be good to try and separate the religious aspect from the relationship issues - you need to find a fair resolution and you need to be able to talk about things.

If this has come out of the blue in the context of a husband who doesn’t sound particularly observant, then this seems like a relationship issue rather than faith driven, if you’ll excuse me for saying so.

Good luck again and you picked him for a reason. If he isn’t a twat then I’m sure you’ll find a way that works for you all

Nice piece of racial stereotyping. Have you actually met many muslim women? It does not come across as if you have. If misused Islam can be toxic to women, but so can any other religious doctrine. Some very strict christian groups can be very controlling of women and men.

I actually think the comments about the OP going deeper into Muslim values/ asking an Iman or elder what to do are awful advice.

The OP’s husband is quite clearly being the one to change the goalposts here. He was happy enough to have a precious wife despite his religion, who was a Christian, which was again fine despite his religion, and OP has marked Christmas as a cultural event for at least the last 11 years. It’s not fair for him to force a change that OP has been very clear in her post that she doesn’t want.

Muslim or not this guy displays all the personality trait of many men who claims to be devout in their religion, raging narcissism and hypocrisy.

Hi OP I live n a mixed race/mixed religion household. (Hindu/Chrstian), we would both practice our religion to some degree, but make real efforts to accommodate. So it is possible to achieve a good outcome. We do Christmas, just not much cribs and Church attendance for me(DH used to take kids for xmas eve). I come from a majority Muslim country (Malaysia), and there are plenty of Malaysian Muslims who do parties at Christmas and have Santa cards etc. The challenge here though is his view seems to be changing over time and that may be a problem which develops further. I would compromise on no religious activities but I would stick to my guns on celebrating Christmas per se. Not to do so in the UK feels like a battle you cannot loose.