Christmas and a Muslim husband .. help!

[AmberHiker]

Hello everyone I’d really like some outside perspective because I’m literally drained from going around in circles with my husband .

He is a born Muslim. He is on and off with the level of practising but mainly sticks to the key principles of Islam but has not been praying for some years now . I am a revert. I am not a ‘ practising ‘ Muslim but I believe in Islam and what it stands for .

we have a 8 year old son and I have older kids who aren’t Muslim. For the past 11 years I’ve changed up Christmas but not given it up as for me it was never about the relegious aspect it was about the feeling , the gift giving and decorating the home plus enjoying all the foods and so on. With our son I still decorate the home and we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas. He is aware of who god is to him and to us and what we believe in.

my husband has really been giving me a hard time over recent weeks . He has stated I’m a Christian which I’m not and that I’m acting just like one . He refuses to agree that for me I’ve never linked Christmas to religion and he’s never seen me do it. He keeps going into massive tantrums pointing out I’m showing our son the wrong way . This is making me upset as I don’t feel we have much to look forward too in the uk and Christmas is a nice time of year. I enjoy the festivity and owe it to my older grown children to share with them.

when I point out that he is not doing anything that would identify him as a Muslim to me if I didn’t know him he gets offended. He is not practising not praying not fasting but is determined to take this away from me and our son. like I said if he was devout I could understand the possible problem by example having a tree in the house decorated but he isn’t and the whole thing seems so stupid .

for context he was previously married to a devout Christian who taught and showed him about Christmas ( this is where I think he has the impression it’s for relegious people ) and during their marriage Christmas a big thing in their home too, but so was bacon and alcohol. If I was to ask him was he a Muslim where he was married to her he would say yes he was yet that was allowed to happen …

sorry for the rant but all I do is share some gifts and decorate the home yet it’s a constant battle any mention of the c word and boom it’s a argument. He said I should spend the same effort showing our son about Islam but when I pointed out it’s his job as the man to lead he said he doesn’t have time to show him.. 😂

am I wrong to not give it up

@Brananan human rights act :article 8.

No one has the right to tell anyone what to do, what to wear, who to to talk to what to do, at all

My ex partner is a muslim and has a ton of window lights and always puts up a tree. He sometimes gives gifts, but not often. He enjoys the holiday. But he is a muslim.

Hi Op,

I am a revert married to a born Muslim. We have 2 children together no other children for either of us so slightly different to your situation.
We don't decorate the house or have a tree up but we do go for Xmas dinner at my families house and exchange gifts.

We do it this way as then the children know its not something we have in our house but we go and be with family on their special day as they are our family too. My family are so respectful and always make everything Halal.

Could you come to some sort of compromise like not having it in the house but still go spend it with family??

Hold on, I thought the man was the boss of the house and what he says goes? So if he says the kids can go trick or treating, that means the wife had to just suck it up.

The op isn't being forced to celebrate though, she's being forced to not celebrate (which you seem to fully support).

Even if he has suddenly decided he now cares about living a more religious life there are so many things he could change to live his life in a more acceptable Islamic way. He doesn’t, he can’t be arsed! Says it all

While I've every respect for those who really do make an effort to live in more observant religious ways I believe there's a lot in what you said here, @Completelyjo

We all change ours minds sometimes, but surely that happening is a time for compromise while a new way forward's established, especially where the one who wants the changes is only adopting small and very selective parts of what they profess to believe in
For me at least, demanding otherwise amounts to "You're expected to compromise but I won't so you'll do as I say" and I'm not sure that's helpful in any context, never mind marriage

OP I am a practising Muslim and do not celebrate Christmas as such, bur your husband is just being a hypocrite and using Islam as a means of control. He can't preach about Islam to you if he doesn't follow basic tenants himself.

No it’s doesn’t, not in matters that go against Islam. Christmas and Halloween would be examples of those.

But it would be forcing her husband to celebrate. It’s the responsibility for each spouse to help the other stay away from the haram. So in this instance yeah, I agree celebrating x mas isnt right. But also think he needs to start practicing what he preaches elsewhere (like food and prayer etc)

ps the person who mentioned he sends Xmas cards. That’s ok. Some scholars have said it’s permissible as long as they don’t contain religious iconography, so a snowy scene for instance.

A Jewish friend of mine (pretty much non observant, but Jewish by birth so different rules) went all out for Christmas "up to but not including pigs in blankets and carols. Well, pigs in blankets, really."

@Mvslimah is right, as Muslims, you shouldn't be celebrating. Everyone saying Christians believe this celebrates the birth of incarnate God is right, because that is what is believed. Everyone saying that Chrimbo is so far from its origins and now a cultural festival is right. Everyone pointing out the totally pagan origins of many of our customs is right.

What isn't right is trying to change the goalposts for your family, when your husband is a) very non observant and practicing in any real way and b) going against what has previously been fine by him. I'd be asking yourself why, OP and what you are going to do about someone who has changed so much. I'd talk to him but I would look very deeply at whether this is acceptable, given the rest of his behaviour.

No it wouldn't. Exchange of presents and putting up decorations can happen in his vicinity without him having any involvement at all. We're told he does bugger all towards Eid, so he's got a lot of practice at sitting back while OP organises a celebration. The only forcing that would happen here is if OPs husband successfully bullies her into depriving herself and DS of their traditional Christmas.

As a compromise, he could sacrifice some of the things he does for Christmas of his own volition that are nothing to do with OP, like wearing the Santa hat.

perhaps he will moving forward, perhaps that’s the intention. Who knows.

overarching points still stand

They still stand as wrong, yes.

According to you.

You are not free to do as you please as much as you may be blinded by the fact you think can. Can you walk around in the streets naked? No. Can you drink and drive above a certain level? No.

No one forced op to revert to Islam. These are the rules of Islam, if she doesn't like it then why revert?

There are laws of the land which Muslims abide by.. but celebrating Christmas is not one of them thankfully.

I don't even care if she celebrates but she said in one of her posts that it's not a sin which it is. Hence I thought she should know (from an Islamic point of view) what the correct position is.

Also to everyone who isn't applying whopping great double standards, and has access to a dictionary.

Ultimately, you'd be singing a very different tune if OP were trying to prevent her husband from celebrating a Muslim holiday. You wouldn't say OP were being forced if he were engaging in Muslim practice or celebration in the home when she didn't wish to.

No it wouldn't.
He's a taxi driver, he could go to work. He'll make loads on extra money over Christmas. He doesn't have to partake of any of the celebrations, so no presents and no turkey for him, that's fine, it's up to him. And if his wife does want presents and turkey, that's fine as well. It's just you and a few others who thinks her husband gets to tell her what she can and can not do.
I think she should do what she wants.
I think the husband should do what he wants.
I think you should do what you want.
I bet if you asked the kid if he wanted to cancel Christmas from the house he'd say 'no'
🙂

Actually if she were a non Muslim, I’d say this is the trouble with inter faith marriages. People change and who they were at 25 isn’t who they’ll be at 40, especially religiously speaking. And if she doesn’t want to celebrate a Muslim holiday then she should leave for the day (again problem with inter faith marriage) but there is no way he should force her to celebrate. Now rationally the inverse applies to the husband too, except for the fact that islamically it’s wrong (so I can see why he wouldn’t want it in their home).

if OPs husband is becoming more religious then he needs to take her on the journey too, not just berate her if she’s no longer on the same page as him. That being said Op does need to really consider how much she believes in Islam. It is hard with Xmas given how prevalent it is and how she likely has an emotional attachment due to childhood. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok for us. Like others have said, we’ve found a compromise in visiting our celebrating family

This.

Sounds like a crap man. What a shame you have such a twat for a husband.

Yes, rationally the inverse applies to the husband too. That's what this boils down to. If she ought to leave the house if she doesn't want a religious or cultural holiday celebrated around her, so should he. That means he's all the way in the wrong here.

These two are firmly established pick and mix Muslims, if even that, so neither of them get to unilaterally decide the other one has to become more observant. There's no 'except'.

Nor do they get to make a unilateral demand of the other parent that the family cultural practice has to change. Horribly controlling, big red flag.

ps the person who mentioned he sends Xmas cards. That’s ok. Some scholars have said it’s permissible as long as they don’t contain religious iconography, so a snowy scene for instance.

Are there truly "scholars" who spend their time analysing designs on Christmas cards?

They don't deserve the ones with puppies in Santa hats, that's for sure. Boring snow scenes for them. 😉

Also the fact that sending snow scene Christmas cards to people is fine but the horror of stringing a few lights on a dead tree!

I don't think it matters op, to be honest Christmas in this country isn't about religion for the majority is it ? It's Christmas ! Presents, nice food and decorations and getting together with the family ! Sorry if that sounds ignorant but it is the truth, nobody I know associates Christmas with religion anymore

Its really quite pathetic what trivial things people find unacceptable isn't it

I actually think I might be wrong, you can’t give a Christmas card as such, but a card at winter time containing non religious imagery saying ‘seasons greeting’ or ‘happy holidays’ may be permissible…