Christmas and a Muslim husband .. help!

[AmberHiker]

Hello everyone I’d really like some outside perspective because I’m literally drained from going around in circles with my husband .

He is a born Muslim. He is on and off with the level of practising but mainly sticks to the key principles of Islam but has not been praying for some years now . I am a revert. I am not a ‘ practising ‘ Muslim but I believe in Islam and what it stands for .

we have a 8 year old son and I have older kids who aren’t Muslim. For the past 11 years I’ve changed up Christmas but not given it up as for me it was never about the relegious aspect it was about the feeling , the gift giving and decorating the home plus enjoying all the foods and so on. With our son I still decorate the home and we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas. He is aware of who god is to him and to us and what we believe in.

my husband has really been giving me a hard time over recent weeks . He has stated I’m a Christian which I’m not and that I’m acting just like one . He refuses to agree that for me I’ve never linked Christmas to religion and he’s never seen me do it. He keeps going into massive tantrums pointing out I’m showing our son the wrong way . This is making me upset as I don’t feel we have much to look forward too in the uk and Christmas is a nice time of year. I enjoy the festivity and owe it to my older grown children to share with them.

when I point out that he is not doing anything that would identify him as a Muslim to me if I didn’t know him he gets offended. He is not practising not praying not fasting but is determined to take this away from me and our son. like I said if he was devout I could understand the possible problem by example having a tree in the house decorated but he isn’t and the whole thing seems so stupid .

for context he was previously married to a devout Christian who taught and showed him about Christmas ( this is where I think he has the impression it’s for relegious people ) and during their marriage Christmas a big thing in their home too, but so was bacon and alcohol. If I was to ask him was he a Muslim where he was married to her he would say yes he was yet that was allowed to happen …

sorry for the rant but all I do is share some gifts and decorate the home yet it’s a constant battle any mention of the c word and boom it’s a argument. He said I should spend the same effort showing our son about Islam but when I pointed out it’s his job as the man to lead he said he doesn’t have time to show him.. 😂

am I wrong to not give it up

Muslims believe in Jesus and although they wouldn’t routinely celebrate his birth, when it is culturally ingrained into the society a Muslim lives in, they aren’t doing anything wrong getting a tree a some decorations. It’s not like you’re trying to make him go to midnight mass.

Has he been ok with you doing Christmas in previous years?

This is nothing but a man trying to assert his dominance over a woman. Using religion as an excuse. Stand your ground, don't be that wife. I wonder if he has any 'elders' who have suggested he needs to assert his dominance as in Muslim households the man is the boss generally and the woman does what the man requires only. Perhaps someone has had a word with him about not being a 'proper' practising Muslim which is why Christmas is suddenly not allowed this year? Is this at all a possibility or am I clutching at straws?

Well, you’re asking this question in AIBU where most of the replies will be from people who aren’t Muslim so of course you will get many replies telling you to carry on. Your situation is mixed up in many ways starting with your husband’s fluctuating interest in Islam and the fact that you are a non practicing revert. I imagine there is more to deal with than just Christmas decorations for your family.

Christmas isn't necessarily linked to religion in the UK, it's a custom and part of our culture. Plenty of atheists and people from other religions, celebrate Christmas.

Presumably you aren’t Muslim since you specifically only say your DH is?

”like I said if he was devout I could understand the possible problem by example having a tree in the house decorated but he isn’t and the whole thing seems so stupid”

I still don’t get this even if he was really devout to be honest. You’re a a mixed faith family, there have to be compromises and having a tree and Christmas presents isn’t taking away from his faith in any way.

Your DH sounds very controlling.

This is what I’ve been explaining till I’m blue in the face

Your husband needs to get over himself.

How about turning it into a Midwinter celebration. So have the main event on 20th rather than the 25th.
Look it up - midwinter celebrations are pagan and pre-date Christianity stealing the celebration for its own.
Assuming you're avoiding all christian symbolism, I don't see why he should object strongly to having a party in the depths of winter

Yanbu to refuse to give up something you enjoy
Next time he 'accuses' you of being Christian just roll your eyes and say yep I've discovered God and get on with your day. He sounds incredibly hypocritical and controlling.

This man just wants to control you.

Christmas is just the start of your problems

I make no link to relegion at all. We have it on the 23rd normally. It’s not like I’m trying to skip to mass or bring in a nativity statue .. I’ve been doing it this way for 8 years but this year he’s really pushing against me . It just feels so hypocritical because he’s not even praying or living in a way that I would view as a devout Muslim. I’m a revert but not practising and I don’t act in a way to pretend I am . I’m starting to think it’s just a reason to give me a hard time . When I’ve turned the table and said what are you showing your son of Islam if me showing him a watered down version of Christmas is so horrific he said he doesn’t have time to show him anything … irghhh

If you’ve been celebrating the cultural aspect of Christmas for eight years then yeah he’s absolutely just using this to control you. Has your relationship deteriorated aside from this?

Muslims in Turkey for example decorate a tree and exchange gifts on 31st December - more like NYE festival, completely non religious. They have Santa and everything, as far as I'm aware (Happy to be corrected!).

May be that could be a good compromise?

Do you celebrate Eid?

I came across this phrase maybe 2-3 years ago and it really resonates - "culturally Christian". I describe myself as atheist, however there are behaviours I do, things I say that reflect the fact I live in a Christian culture. For example - I never go to church but love singing Christmas carols.

From your description your DH is behaving in a culturally Islamic way (eg, presumably observing dietary rules, major festivals). And your behaving in a culturally Christian way, largely as you live in a Christian culture. So I think your DH is being unreasonable in acting one way himself and then criticising you for doing so in a country which predominantly is culturally Christian. This is complicated, I personally wouldn't give it up.

OP I would speak to other muslim families about how they manage this rather than AIBU.

FWIW In my experience those most practising are often quite comfortable with Christmas because it doesn't feel like a threat to their faith. If you're essentially living a non-islamic lifestyle as a family (not praying together, not learning quran or teaching your children about islam) then I guess he feels like he needs to asset the islamic identity somewhere - you could of course argue a better place to start would be to actually practice the faith.

I would have a calm conversation with him about what you want your child to know and believe, and how you plan to ensure this. Cutting out Christmas won't magically make them Muslim. If anything it's more likely to push them away if they are forced to drop a huge cultural celebration that everyone around them enjoys, because of this mysterious religion.

And also talk to him about the right of your older children to enjoy their faith, culture and heritage. Islamically they were not obliged to convert when you did, would still be expected to follow the faith of their own father and grandparents, and so he has an obligation to facilitate this.

I'd also talk to him about the core message of family and charity and celebration of Jesus that is so central to Christmas. But he won't get his head around this until he comes to terms with lack of conviction when it comes to living his faith himself.

I'm surprised. I taught in a predominantly Muslim area, and our parents seemed to embrace Christmas. We never had a parent ask for their child not to be involved in our Christmas activities, and they gave me Christmas cards and gifts (and I sent them Eid ones).

As a recent revert, I’ve researched this and I’m under the impression that as Muslims we shouldn’t be celebrating Christmas as it is imitating the non-believers, which is haram. I would advise not celebrating Christmas but I understand the difficulties in this given it’s something you have an emotional connection with. However, as a Muslim it’s far more important to get the fundamentals in order (i.e. praying, fasting and the other pillars) before focusing on things that don’t take you out of the fold of Islam. I would encourage your husband to focus on praying his daily prayers before focussing on whether or not you celebrate Christmas as I have heard opinions that neglecting to pray may take you out of the fold of Islam (pls do your own research on this). Wishing you all the best!

OP I would ask on the Muslim MN board.

You're better off posting this or something similar over on the Muslim Mumsnetters board.
Something like "how do we navigate Christmas as non - practicing Muslims with children"
Or something like that. You'll get some good responses I expect, and they'll be nicer than AIBU.

The far bigger issue here is the fact he is tantrumming when you do something he disagrees with. This is not a healthy relationship.

What is it that he thinks celebrating at this time of year takes away from practicing Islam? I don't think the way we celebrate in the UK really has much bearing on Christianity unless you attend church and focus on the nativity etc.
One of the brilliant things about living in a multi-cultural society is sharing our celebrations with each other. As a catholic-raised agnostic, I have taken part in Diwali, Eid, Christmas, Chinese New Year etc celebrations with friends and colleagues. And those same friends and colleagues have celebrated those festivals that aren't "theirs" with each other too.
Ultimately, Christmas is now part of your sons culture, if not his religion.

What about your older children? Don't they get to celebrate Christmas in their own home?

Why now? Is he being pressured by others or just being a controlling arse?

hi OP! I am also a revert and am married to a born Muslim man, we share a young son together who is also Muslim, however I do still give gifts at Xmas time as I feel guilty for him missing out. I don’t decorate the house or put up tree etc however my son gets to see these at my family members house who are not religious at all but celebrate Christmas (more as a family meal/giving gifts type of thing)
but I personally think as a Muslim living within a household with Christmas decorations may be a bit too much.