Christmas and a Muslim husband .. help!

[AmberHiker]

Hello everyone I’d really like some outside perspective because I’m literally drained from going around in circles with my husband .

He is a born Muslim. He is on and off with the level of practising but mainly sticks to the key principles of Islam but has not been praying for some years now . I am a revert. I am not a ‘ practising ‘ Muslim but I believe in Islam and what it stands for .

we have a 8 year old son and I have older kids who aren’t Muslim. For the past 11 years I’ve changed up Christmas but not given it up as for me it was never about the relegious aspect it was about the feeling , the gift giving and decorating the home plus enjoying all the foods and so on. With our son I still decorate the home and we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas. He is aware of who god is to him and to us and what we believe in.

my husband has really been giving me a hard time over recent weeks . He has stated I’m a Christian which I’m not and that I’m acting just like one . He refuses to agree that for me I’ve never linked Christmas to religion and he’s never seen me do it. He keeps going into massive tantrums pointing out I’m showing our son the wrong way . This is making me upset as I don’t feel we have much to look forward too in the uk and Christmas is a nice time of year. I enjoy the festivity and owe it to my older grown children to share with them.

when I point out that he is not doing anything that would identify him as a Muslim to me if I didn’t know him he gets offended. He is not practising not praying not fasting but is determined to take this away from me and our son. like I said if he was devout I could understand the possible problem by example having a tree in the house decorated but he isn’t and the whole thing seems so stupid .

for context he was previously married to a devout Christian who taught and showed him about Christmas ( this is where I think he has the impression it’s for relegious people ) and during their marriage Christmas a big thing in their home too, but so was bacon and alcohol. If I was to ask him was he a Muslim where he was married to her he would say yes he was yet that was allowed to happen …

sorry for the rant but all I do is share some gifts and decorate the home yet it’s a constant battle any mention of the c word and boom it’s a argument. He said I should spend the same effort showing our son about Islam but when I pointed out it’s his job as the man to lead he said he doesn’t have time to show him.. 😂

am I wrong to not give it up

Christmas is definitely a religious celebration
And no one would say Eid or Ramadan weren't religious .

@EmmaMaria indeed.

Life is miserable, death cancer wars etc lighten the fuck up.

My DS went to a multicultural junior school and they celebrated Christmas, big time. They also celebrated all other religious festivals of various religions to a lesser degree. No one bated an eyelid and everyone embrace all cultures.
This was a vast difference to when I went to school.
I'd say this is more about your DH trying to control you.

@Fedupwithteenagers24 it def isn't

The Puritans were very anti-Christmas, too.

It is not for me to say they weren't real Christians, though. Gatekeeping other believers doesn't sit right somehow.

Christians don’t have the monopoly on joy. We have our on holidays. We don’t have to celebrate yours to have fun.

No, for many people it isn't in any way Christian. They don't believe in God or Jesus, but they like the Christmas tree, lights, presents, being with family etc.

You don't seem to understand that there is a wealth of approaches and lots of different intents. Some people see Christmas as a deeply Christian religious festival and view it through that lens. For others, it's completely different, completely secular, and no threat to anybody else's religious beliefs if they put up a Nordic fir and give some presents.

I have close friends who lived for years in Dubai. Their children went to the British school there and everybody celebrated everything. The older Muslim children did fast for Ramadan and the school held an Iftar which everyone was invited to. They also celebrated Diwali and Christmas. No one was expected to observe a religion which was not their own, but they were certainly all recognised and honoured at the school and the parents all agreed to it. Like other posters, I think this sounds like male control rather than religion.

Husband is weak … celebrating a gift & decorating holiday in December is only religious if you make it religious.

Putting up a Christmas tree and giving presents does not mean somebody is embracing Christianity and moving away from their own religion unless that is their intention. The Christmas tree is in any case a tradition only started in the 19th century and has nothing to do with the nativity or the Levantine roots of Judaism and early Christianity. If this man's Islamic faith is so sacred to him, how can it be jeopardised by hanging some fairy lights on a fir tree?

Actually thinking back, its something I liked about living in New Jersey some 35 years ago. ALL the religious festival foods and parephenalia turned up in the supermarkets and no one batted an eyelid.

Exactly, it's all about the intent.

The children aren’t Muslim and have been celebrating Christmas for years and now you’re suggesting take Christmas away from them, because he’s having a wobbly that he’s not practice his faith for years and now he’s getting older he might not go to Muslim heaven wherever that is because he’s been a bad Muslim. Well he should have thought about that before, he should go to Muslim confession or whatever they have to sort out his Muslim inadequacies on his own (preferably on Christmas Day so everyone else can have fun), But he is NOT within his rights to f up Christmas for his kids full stop. He needs to grow up and put them first.

What do you do for Eid?
If as a family you are putting more effort into Christmas than Eid, I can see how this might be upsetting for him.

Yes and those people are culturally Christian and as Muslims we don’t partake in Christian holidays.

you don’t seem to understand to celebrate another holiday affiliated with another religion IS wrong Islamically.

like wise Milad, is wrong Islamically (it’s allegedly the prophets birthday ) but it’s wrong and not part of our faith.

our religion is what is it, it doesn’t go changing because you’re insisting harder that it’s fine. Christmas is a religious holiday even if it’s become commercialised to within an inch of its life. Just like valentines (we don’t do that either)

But the OP already marks Christmas. Considering she wasn’t a Muslim growing up it’s clearly been a part of her cultural upbringing and her DS has also been exposed to it his entire life.
Its pretty shitty for her husband to suddenly claim their child isn’t allowed to celebrate Christmas due to his Islamic moral compass whilst practicing absolutely no other aspects of his religion.
It comes across as petty and controlling. This has been a part of their shared life for a substantial period of time. You don’t get to just dictate family life on your own individual whims like that.

Thanks everyone I’ve enjoyed reading through each reply . I am going to still carry out our celerbrations on the 23rd but I know full well he will continue to have tantrums and come out with negative stuff .

he doesn’t mind our son taking part in activities at school like Christmas shows or sending and receiving cards , he buys Christmas gifts for his older children ( first marriage raised in mums faith ) I personally cannot take judgement from someone who I think has bigger issues to deal with in terms of his own path is Islam.

what I don’t want is my son to become aware of his negativity.

Muslims don’t have confessional. Perhaps educate yourself on Islam before offering opinions on it.

yeah they might have celebrated it For years, and he’s now realised it’s wrong, so it repenting and wants to implement that change.

arguably he is putting them first, he’s leading them in deen and saying, yes, we did do this before but it’s not right and we need to make that change? I don’t know, I don’t know OP or her husband BUT he is entitled to no longer be comfortable with something and it’s a big no no islamically

You keep repeating this, but you can celebrate them all. You don't only have to be joyful only once/twice a year.

Easter is just as big as Xmas in our family, but we also observe Hannukah somewhat loosely, as well as Ukrainian/Russian New Year- because it's a culturally mixed family, and the more holidays, the merrier.

Sorry but islamically he does

Yeah you can do whatever you want objectively, fine.

but if you believe in Islam, then those things are at odd with one another and that’s the point I’m making.

I think this is a 'letter of the law' (dare I say, 'pharisaical ;-)) approach, where I am more of a 'spirit of the law' person. I really don't agree that Christmas is necessarily still culturally Christian even, such has the drift been since its roots and such are the myriad interpretations.

I don't see how giving presents or decorating a tree becomes even 'culturally' Christian unless that is your mindset to begin with. But I respect that you know Islam better than me. If this is correct, then it definitely isn't the religion for me!

Really, though, this is a matter for the OP, as to whether she agrees with this letter of the law approach and whether she's prepared to put up with it from a DH who can't be bothered to take his own son to the mosque and is projecting his own guilt on to her.

Well he doesn’t and OP is choosing to make her own decisions and fair play to her.

In reality very few people, Muslim, Christian or otherwise are as hardline as you. Most people live in the shades of grey.

I stand by my point that there is something deeper going on with the DH, he has no issue with him living an all but secular life but uses one tiny thing the OP does to treat her badly and try to dictate to her for no real benefit.

I think it is just the Catholics that have confessional, do whatever you want as long as you use the get out of free card. Muslims can't do that - step out of line and you don't get your virgins in the afterlife. I don't really flow the detail though - just the enjoy the EID feast, our local Indian takeaway does a fantastic EID meal deal so its not just Christmas that is becoming commercialized.

Yeah he’s entitled to be uncomfortable, if he wants while the rest of the household comfortably carry on with their celebrations if they want. Or do you suggest this family is to be a dictatorship run by him and based purely on his needs or a democracy where each individuals opinions are taken into account?