Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

As an adult, I walk into my parents’ house unannounced but always knock at my parents’-in-laws, brother’s, sister’s, best friend etc - people who I’m really close to.

Yes, it WAS their family home but NOW it’s where you live with your partner. Who isn’t their Dad - it does change the dynamic somewhat.

It goes without saying they are welcome at their Mum’s house but barring an emergency, a text or a knock is hardly an inconvenience.

I think YABU on 3 counts:
1 it’s not unusual for you, it is for him and he’s allowed to say that.
2 explain it to your sons - you probably should’ve done already - I’d hope they would think that it was fine.

1. it sounds like you see it as your (family) house, your rules.

You say, ‘Is it a red flag?’ Only if you have other doubts. You say otherwise he gets on ok with them. He’s not wrong to feel that way.

Has he got a porn addiction and doesn't want to be caught?

OP your sons dont live with you, your DP does. its his home. its not about who your loyalties lie with. clearly you love your sons, but its not their home so they need to knock.

I think it’s a bit controlling

No problem if you live alone. But if you decide to let your partner move in it's his home as well and he should have a say. If I were to remarry someone with adult sons I would be really uncomfortable/scared with them just walking straight into my house. And what does it cost them to ring the doorbell? What if DP is walking around naked in his house? If I was him I probably would start to walk around naked. Maybe that would motivate the young men to knock before.

I'm with your DP on this. Yes it used to be your sons' family home but now it is your home with DP. I would be unhappy with family members letting themselves in. You need to compromise and tell your sons they need to knock.

Yeah that's it. Or he's doing drugs. It can't be that he's just uncomfortable having grown men walking into his house without knocking on the door🙄

My children will always be welcome to walk into my home and into any home I may own without knocking or ringing.

If I let someone move into my house I wouldn’t let it change my relationship with my kids. They will always be number one in my life. Any potential partner would know the score from the start

We don't lock our front or back doors until we go to bed. Our sons just walk in. DILs do ring bell first. Grandchildren just barrel in.

Sons check out the fridge and then the biscuit, crisps cupboard 🤣

But kids can be number 1 in your life and knock on the door.

It's his home too OP.
It's not unreasonable to expect privacy in your own home now is it.

Oh jesus, they are grown men fgs not little babies. What is so difficult with knocking before letting yourself in. It's just giving the other persons a headsup to grab some clothes/ stop having sex on the kitchen table before they go in.

My children are in their 30s and have their own families. My husband I love them just popping in. They do ring the bell because they don’t carry our key with them. I do think your partner is making his stamp. Could you ask your children to ring the bell but quite frankly letting you know in advance is a bit much. For us it is not the same the other way round. We have keys to our children’s homes as we look after our grandchildren. We knock first but that is because our children’s homes have never been our homes.
I think you will have to have a compromise with your partner. Are there any other things he is unhappy with?

No way will I ever ask my children to ring the doorbell in their own home.

Sounds like my house. I couldn't live with an up tight bloke who saw my kids as guests who have to knock and be allowed permission to enter. I'd sooner live alone.

I agree with this.

I don't think it's unreasonable for DP to want a say in how his new home is run. He could be walking around naked when they turn up and that would be embarrassing for everyone.
Saying the DC have to knock before they come in is not the same as saying they aren't welcome. It feels courteous to me, now they're adults and have homes of their own.

Can't see the big deal.

Yours can. Mine won’t ever have to. Anyone who wants to walk around naked can lock the door.

They can still be number one and ring the doorbell

He’s territory marking. It’s still your house, OP. Your house, your rules.

They don't live there. It's not their home.

I knock at my parents' and wait to be kept in. I think that's reasonable. I think it's odd to just walk into someone else's house especially without announcing your presence at all.

I have a key to my parents, but would never, ever just walk in.
They don't to me either.
Imagine not knowing if someone is going to walk in at any given time? Maybe he wants to walk around in his pants? Or the nude?
Or just like a heads up of someone is coming in?

My home will always be my childrens home.