Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

What? A red flag because you don't want grown men walking in your house unannounced. He never said they couldn't come by, just to be polite and call first and then knock on the door like any polite adult does. I get it that they got into a habit with their mum but it's his home too now.

My gut is that this is just a case of families having different rules and approaches (assuming there are no other red flags).

I let myself into my parents' home bjt there is ample warning for them as the side door goes through their garage. Personally I'd want my kids to feel they could just come in but less close families might not like that. The flip side - and I realise this is hypocritical - but I don't think I'd particularly love it if my parents-in-law just walked into our house. Perhaps as he stays with you longer and gets to know your sons even better, he will feel better about this?

They are not random grown men they are the OPs sons. You don't stop being a mother when your kids leave home.

I think this is one of those things that isn't right or wrong, just done differently.

DH and I will knock at my parents' house, not at my in-laws' (I'd knock at my in laws' if I ever went alone, but that doesn't really happen).
If he's from a family that knocks, I can see that he'd find it an adjustment and a bit uncomfortable. That doesn't mean he can demand you change your ways of course. But I don't think it's automatically some sort of red flag power move to assert dominance either.

I ring Mum's doorbell as well- But @chasingchange When DS lived a mile up the road he'd so often swing by and I loved it! {He now lives 45 min drive away}

It is their childhood home after all.
Is your husband worried he might be caught ''self pleasuring?''- can't see any other reason why they should ring first.

I have to knock before going to my mums now as step dad asked me too. He also tries to get me to call first but often I’m just passing and drop in. I grew up living in a house where people just walked in and out (family and friends), my dad doesn’t knock when he comes to my house…….but not long ago my dad walked in when I was upstairs with new dp (that was embarrassing), my dad still doesn’t knock.

I can see it from both sides. Yes it’s the house your dc grew up in but it also now home of your dp and I guess he should have some say? Would knocking really hurt?

Ring bell and then come in without waiting for me to come to the door. I do like to have a heads up she is there. DD often brings her boyfriend around when they come over too.

Unfortunately it's his house too now. I always knock when I go to someone's house, regardless of childhood home. I'd hate for people to just let themselves in. If knocking makes him more comfortable then why not, it's hardly the hill to die on. And if knocking makes them uncomfortable then it's tough they're adults.

I tap on my aunties kitchen window before going around the back, it's a warning/courtesy but no way would I ring ahead unless it was like "do you need bread/fancy a single of chips?"

I couldn't live with someone who made my children feel unwelcome. It is a hill I'd die on.

I always knock before I go in..don't wait for door to be open but knock and shout hello its me. Its only respect. my own mother in law is 82 if you walked in without announcing she would get a terrible fright. I would also expect the same in my house. my own niece are 5 and they knock and shout hello when walk in. it's manners

I started ringing the doorbell when my stepmum moved into my childhood home. I was always welcomed and offered a bed, but it was her and my dad’s home so I felt it was courtesy

I don't think this is an outrageous request. I don't think you need to agree to it, but just asking is not a red flag unless there are other signs. I do think there becomes a time when your childhood home turns into your parents home. I do use the key to let myself in but I don't show up unannauced. Eventhough I still consider it my home, I also consider my home to be home and I don't want my parents showing up with the spare key. My brother knocks before entering himself. My mother is very much the type of person that everyone is always welcome and just open the backdoor it is unlocked. But if one of my parents lived with a new partner I would 100% knock first.

The day will come when you and your partner will be in the nuddy in the front room.

This. I'd be moving out if she didn't compromise. It's her choice not to, but in his place I'd hate never having privacy.

Whose home is it and who's paying the bills?

I knew this would divide everyone op! In our house it was always the let yourself in relaxed vibe. Personally yea for me it’s a red flag that he’s kind of an opposite type of personality or doesn’t think of them as being more than guests

Sorry I don’t agree. I would never tell my kids they had to ring the bell before coming in and OP obviously has similar feelings. My parents never expected me to do so. It’s always a lovely surprise if they turn up unexpectedly and if I’m expecting them it isn’t a problem at all. Not everyone feels like you do

So would I!

But then I'm also one of the anti-social types who don't like people calling round without any warning.

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They are not just people though.

I agree with him OP. I don’t think knocking when you’ve moved out is any issue and absurd to be linked to not being welcome.

My DC are still at home and we always drop a text to each other when we are on the way back from somewhere, but mainly to put the kettle on type stuff 🫖
I wouldn't take kindly to any bloke telling me what they should be doing though, even if they lived overseas.
He moved into your children's family home. Your rules on this one.

It's the norm in my family to just waltz in with our key. My dad does the same with my nanny too

I'm with you I would always want my boys to feel they can come 'home' whenever they want to.