Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

In our family, we always let ourselves in but announce our presence as we go through the door to avoid startling my Mum and Dad when he was still alive. In fact, as a small child, I remember my Dad doing exactly the same when visiting my Nan with a cooey to announce our arrival.

I have keys to both my mum and mil's home. I knock and wait for them to answer the door. The only time I will just let myself in is when I'm staying at my mum's and am returning from a night out. I think yabu.

I can imagine my kids reaction if they had to ask permission to come in.

It's a weird thing to make a big deal of. He can ask them I guess?

It was your sons' home before it was his.

Same. I don’t knock at my parents when I go and visit. Granted they know i’m coming as i’m not nearby. My brother doesn’t knock either. When it’s been your family home it’s odd to suddenly say sorry you know have to knock. I wouldn’t be asking my kids to knock. It’s their home still.

Not mine - yours maybe

Nope. They don’t live there anymore but your DP does. I would feel really uncomfortable if I was him. Your kids can knock, it’s not really a big deal.

@chasingchange I think it’s lovely your sons just pop in. I used to love doing that when my dad was alive, he always used to say “this will always be your home and the doors will always be open” and he meant it.

If your partner doesn’t like the setup, then he can do one xx

This us quite a simple problem to resolve; get rid of your controlling dp and put your sons first.

He is staking his claim of you, your house to see what he can get away with so he's starting small. Nip it in the bud now and get rid of him before he puts a wedge between you & your children.

Partners come and go but children/family come first always. He isn't a blood relation, you've only been with him a sort time in comparison to your kids. Don't let him break up your family unit and take you away from your sons.

That's a wild jump.

If anyone is the guest it is your partner.

This has been your kids home for all (or most) of their lives. Partner is the newcomer.

I appreciate it is his home too now, but not exclusively

It's not going against the grain

As always I'd love to see this thread with the sexes reversed.

No OP, he's not being unreasonable at all. He's asking for a compromise in his home.

One year in and he thinks he trumps 20 odd years? Massive red flag. I’m a solo mum and no one will ever tell me my kids’ home is up for debate. As a comparison, my parents were together until my dad died in my 30s. I never once knocked on their door to go in to my childhood home. My mum now lives in a flat. I still don’t knock. It’s no different. Throw this one back. X

If you and he split up, would you tell your kids they. I longer had to ring the doorbell or would you like to keep the rule if he wasn’t living there? I think that would decide my answer.

If this is going to work this attitude needs to change. He needs to be an equal. Not necessarily re the knocking but he needs to be heard and not treated like a guest in his own home.

It's fine for him to move in to see if things work but I'd strongly suggest buying something together so he feels equal

Yup. It would be all "not surprised you don't feel safe just having people walking in"

My partner's son always calls to let us know he's on his way over. He then lets himself in with his key when he gets here. He's always done that, at least since I moved in some years back. I think he's being respectful. I'm 100% sure he doesn't feel unwelcome.
I think your partner is being perfectly reasonable and your sons are old enough to have no problem with what he's asking. In fact, I think a ring on the bell then walking straight in is unreasonable, a little bit of warning would be polite.

This doesn't have to be a either or situation. Unless there are other behaviors you're concerned about this sounds like someone wanting to be heard and considered in the relationship.

You could all sit together and discuss it. For all you know your sons have been thinking for a while now they feel a bit awkward waltzing in.
Your grown sons may already have relationships of their own or may one day. Would you assume they didn't love you or be upset you weren't their number one priority if they asked you to ring a bell or knock before visiting their homes? Surely you would encourage them to value their relationships and the needs and concerns of their partner?

We are all different but those differences need to be considered and a compromise reached if you want to remain in a relationship with your dp.

SPOT ON

Absolutely not. I’ve never knocked on my parents, grandparents, friends or even aunts/uncles doors. I’d be horrified if they felt the need to knock on mine but we are an open family. My DH would always knock on his grandparents or aunts/uncles door though he’d walk straight into his parents.

I don’t think it’s a red flag on it’s own. I can see that he can’t completely relax in what is his home too if there is always the possibility of your DS’s walking in unannounced. He might not want another grown man to see him in his slobbing around PJs or catch him nipping to the kitchen in his boxers or while he is on a personal phone call or kissing you!

We have a compromise - let yourself in if you are expected or staying (or if it’s a daily occurrence at a set time like your son stopping in after work most days) but if it is totally unexpected either text or ring the doorbell before you let yourself in so no one gets an unpleasant surprise!

I'd be chucking him out. How dare he after a year living there try demand they need to ring the doorbell of their family home. Absolutely not! My children will never ever need to ring the doorbell, that's ridiculous.

A situation very like this ruined my relationship with my mother. It had been my home before it became his but it was made very clear I was not welcome to pop round uninvited (despite the fact I had a younger sibling still living with them).