Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

Your house your rules

Even my children who live at home ring the doorbell before coming in!

To be fair, that's because we've set it up to ring whenever anyone walks onto the driveway. But wouldn't walk into any family member's place without letting them know, even if just a knock and calling "Hello" before walking in.
Don't think there is anything wrong with this request.

I think knock/ring before they let themselves in is easily done. Calling first fit a daily visit would I think be a slippery slope to him trying to get them to pop in less.
I think having private areas of the house eg they don't go upstairs or into (office?) One of the downstairs rooms without being invited.

I knock and then go in whilst shouting hello. Covers all options and means I don't give my dad a heart attack.

I walk into my mum's house even now without knocking, and she does the same at my house. I would not ask them to knock if it's what they've always done, after all it is their family home. I tend to know when my son is about to turn up as he lives quite a long way away and doesn't make unannounced visits, but it's not something I expect of him.

Your partner is quite right, OP. I wouldn't want anyone letting themselves into my house, and it wouldn't matterwho they are. It's just good manners to knock/ring at the door before barging in. In fact, I'm not sure why other people need to have keys to your house.

Did he not know this was how things were before he moved in? if he did then he should have brought it up before he moved in.

That's not really a relationship is it.

If the OP, as a divorced parent of adult children, isn't willing to make compromises, then she probably isn't suited to another relationship.

It's his home too now, OP. It isn't your sons' home anymore. IMO they should be ringing the bell. If, however, he uses this as a stepping stone towards reducing their visits, he'd have to go.

I don't think he's being unreasonable. I know it's your house, but it is now his home as well as yours and you both need to feel comfortable in it. He's not saying they can't come around, just asking them not to walk straight in.

It may have been their childhood home, but they don't live there any more! My husband always rang the doorbell at his parents' house, from the day he left home at 21. It's just good manners.

What would he do if they still lived with you?

That would be a completely different scenario and would be getting a much more unanimous response.

If they don't live there then I think ringing the doorbell is a good idea. I'd expect to ring the doorbell when going round to my parents, and my mum did normally when visiting her parents (though tbf the dog going mad was probably a better sign).

I ring the bell at my parents house even though i grew up there, so it's not a strange expectation. But, it's also your house and your relationship with your sons and if it doesn't bother you I can see why you don't want to create any awkwardness asking them to ring. I think you've both got a point to be honest.

DP can move out if he is not happy in your home.

If you invite a partner to live with you, it's only reasonable to compromise and accommodate them. It's now their home but your sons' ex home. What you feel comfortable with as their parent, won't be the same for him. There's nothing wrong with that. You didn't need to post really, getting views on situations that don't necessarily mirror yours. Your situation has changed and your partner's request is valid. But I presume you don't agree?

I'm with your husband. Unless they pop round at the same time every day, so its kind of expected, then its really disconcerting just walking downstairs and discovering someone you weren't aware was there is standing in the kitchen. If they come at random times, then you're effectively saying that you can never have sex anywhere else in the house, he can never wander round in his pants, he can never go to the toilet with the door open etc etc in case someone walks in unexpectedly. It was the house they grew up in but now it's his home and you're prioritising people who don't live there over someone who does. I don't think ringing the bell is showing that someone isn't welcome

It's not their home anymore, but it is her partner's home. I don't think expecting them to ring the doorbell is too onerous.

He trying to start distancing you from your sons. It is a red flag I think. It’s a form of manipulation. My kids only ring the doorbell if the door is locked which I do if I’m in alone. They even kept their keys

I had an alarm on an old house that made a noise when people came in.

I think asking them to knock on the door may start to bring a stop to the easy breezy relationship you have

You do whatever you normally do.

I would prefer someone to ring the bell first or shout hello but if I moved in with someone who’s routine was not doing this, then it wouldn’t be ok for me to want to change it.

I know people who enjoy neighbours just walking in.

I assume he knew about this beforehand?

I would say to compromise and ring the bell as they’re walking in but you need to be very careful that it doesn’t slowly turn into more restrictions.

I started ringing the bell at my parents home once I had my own home. They deserve to be able to walk around the house freely and relaxed. What if they want to get up to some fun times in the kitchen or on the front stairs now that they are empty nesters? I don’t want to just walk in on that.

I'm close to my parents, they live in our family home, we all have keys. But I ring before I go and knock before I go in! Just as I would like them to knock at my door.

Their home isn't my home anymore!
And I don't want to catch my parents naked is the top and bottom of it!

@chasingchange My DH always knocks/ring the door bell when passing by at his mum's (she lives close by). And he tells her before coming. He has got keys to let himself in but it's a question of respect. I'm with your DP on this one.

Similar here. I never knocked when I went back home years ago - but we do knock now - neither set of parents lives in our family home so we did not live there as Dc.

But DS does not knock at ours. We always know when he’s coming but he just uses his key. Fine by us.