Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

Just what the OP is saying about him, plus it's her house and he has only been there five minutes while it has always been her sons' home. She says he now 'wants her to treat them like guests in their own home.'
A poster upthread said if they (the sons) think they need to give notice they will definitely cut down how often they call.
I don't know how the OP would feel about that but she does say in her post that her home is their home and she thinks it's lovely when they just call in. She asks if his wanting them to call beforehand etc is a red flag. I think it could well be.

I think it depends what you’re used to. I would expect them to ring the doorbell, fine for them to let themselves in though and come any time. After all you could be doing anything, and should be able to in your own home!

I don't just walk into my mum's house. I always knock first although I open the door, I don't wait for her to come to it if it's open.

I am surprised so many people think the OP's partner is unreasonable as they're her boys.

They no longer live there and he does.

It is good manners to knock. I want to be able to walk around in my underwear in my own house without people I don't know very well walking in

Is it so hard for them to ring the bell and wait 10 seconds?

@SiobhanSharpe

He hasn't lived there for 5 minutes though has he? This is the kind of hyperbole people use to undermine someone's point of view. If it was a woman and the male partner said they've "only lived there 5 minutes" and therefore don't get to have a say in what they find uncomfortable, posters would be in an uproar.

really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door

This is all the information we have of what the OP's partner has said. Her sons no longer live there. He feels uncomfortable not knowing when they might just suddenly appear in his home. He is not being unreasonable.

Mad speculations on how her sons will react are pointless. One would hope they are all sensible adults who can compromise with each other rather than telling him to put up and shut up.

No one would say this on Mumsnet if the sexes were reversed. As per bloody usual on this site.

It doesn't matter if he's only just moved in, it's now his home as well and he's entitled to privacy. Interpreting wanting privacy as territorialism is bonkers. I'm incredulous at how many people would be happy with anyone who didn't live in their house full-time being able to waltz in and out of it as they pleased.

Being naked or having sex are the obvious examples of why you want people to ring the doorbell but there are so many more reasons you might not be visitor-ready. Upset because of bad news. Busy or stressed and in the middle of something difficult while WFH. Unwashed and looking slobby because you've had a duvet day.

Asking people to ring the doorbell is not pushing them away, staking your territory or making them feel unwelcome. It's basic politeness. It's how houses work.

You are unhinged. It may surprise you to learn that there are many people for whom partners do not come and go, but instead get married, stay married and don't teach their children an example of loose morals with a revolving door of coming and going partners. My husband will always be my highest priority, and my children's lives will be richer for coming from a strong family.

There isn't the faintest chance that a woman posting "I've just moved into my partner's house, AIBU to ask his adult sons to ring the doorbell rather than waltzing in and out as they please" would be told she was wrong. It would be unanimous (and quite right too). I'm astonished that not only is this not the case here, but OP is being told her partner is the red flag, potentially abusive, LTB etc.

There are red flags in this thread, for sure.

It's a red flag to ignore that your partner is feeling (understandly) uncomfortable in the place where they live.

It is a red flag to not make small compromises with your partner because "your house, your rules" (in fact, its not even a red flag, it's just abusive - and i appreciate thats other posters, not you).

It's a red flag to reduce every feeling that a man has to pop-psychology about alpha males, territory or whatever else (akin to dismissing a woman's feelings as "oh she's probably just on her period").

@gannett

These posters are being contrary simply because he is a man. I wouldn't even be surprised if it's a made up thread to show up mumsnetters for what they are. They crop up from time to time.

If you’re out what would they need to go in your house for?

Definitely a red flag, tell him to accept your boys popping in to see you, or do one.
My DS treats my home as his own and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My DSS does the same.
Your DP is definitely out of order here and is trying to create a divide between you and your sons.

🙄

I think it’s all down to personality type. I’d be like your partner and just like the warning of anyone ringing the doorbell before walking in so I know they are there and don’t feel like I couldn’t nip downstairs in my underwear etc. I’d be on edge knowing that they could nip in anytime. I think too much is being read into it by many posters.

If they don’t live there then they announce their arrival it’s just good manners. If I’m going back to my parents house I always call first to make sure they are home and I’m ok to pop in (they might be heading out or be busy). I hate unannounced visitors!

I agree with @Mumof3confused , it’s a normal courtesy before entering someone’s room or house.

It’s still your sons’ family home, but they don’t currently live there. Knocking or ringing the doorbell is fine.

I think it is perfectly reasonable. It is not their home. They do not live there.
They moved out!
I always knocked and waited at my parent's house. At my in-laws, DH always knocks before going in. In our families it's considered a basic courtesy.
It simply shows families are different. It's not an unreasonable expectation, if that is how you were raised.

They don’t live there anymore, it's your partners home. I'd feel really uneasy if I made the commitment to move n with someone and felt on edge for people just coming in unannounced

I still knock then enter my mums house if I’m expected at a certain time. If I’m just calling a send a message first then still knock then enter

I would be telling my adult DC that they should be out enjoying themselves not having to pop in daily. I assume they haven’t moved far away.

Also I find it interesting that stepmums on MN are allowed to resent every millisecond the DSC spend in the house but a man asking if the adult DC can ring the doorbell before entering the house is a monster and red flags flying everywhere

He moved in, he has found he doesn't like it, he can move out.

Having my adult children pop in for a brief visit is my joy, they all still have keys to my house too!

DP moved in with you. That really should be the end of it but it isn't... You love that your sons pop in to see you casually without a formal invitation or notice, maybe that's where it might end? I see this as a red flag if DP can't get over this.

I think it is rude they just come in if they don’t live there

If it was the other way round and I move in with a man and their daughters can just open the door and enter whenever they want I’d not be comfortable and happy. Unless they live there.
If they had a key, it would have to be used for emergencies. Otherwise wait to be let in like any other visitor.

Also it seems like you son’s visits are excessive. Do they come for food? Do you need to be checked for something?

You have a partner in the house and they moved out - they are visitors. They are not boys in mama’s home anymore.

And if they rang the doorbell, it would cease to be joyful for you?

Yes, @Reserved101, I can’t see how ringing the bell would change anything either!

I suppose it depends.

If you enjoy having your adult children pop over because you like seeing them and spending time with them, then obviously them texting to see "popping over" or having them ring the doorbell won't make a shred difference.

If your enjoyment is directly tied to them giving you no notice and coming in unannounced, it's probably that you just enjoy pretending that they're still little kids who never left the nest.