Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

I always knock on my parents door, ever since I moved out. They didn't ask, I just felt like I should. My parents used to let themselves into my house, until the day they walked in and my then BF, now DH, and I were in the bath together 😂 now they ring the bell

I probably had a key to my parents house for about 6 years or so. I didn't have a key as a young child, nor did I need one when I'd moved out.

Knocking the door has never made me feel remotely unwelcome.

It doesn't need to be. I don't want someone walking through my door unannounced and seeing me in my towel after a bath, or braless in my pyjamas after a long day at work, or even just going about my merry business in peace.

It's polite to give someone notice that you're popping round. And it's certainly polite to just ring the bloody doorbell and not just wander in.

And as for sex, I still don't want to be at it in my own bedroom and hear someone randomly walking down my hallway for Christ sake.

It's a small courtesy the OP's partner is asking for.

My eldest daughter has taken to ringing the doorbell when she visits. I hate it, I like her feel that she can walk in at whatever time and whenever she likes.

It's just curtesy suely to not just walk into someone elses home unnanounced?
When it was just your home if you were okay with it fair enough, but it's your partners home too now and he's not okay with it.

It's basic respect to accept its a boundary for him that he'd like a heads up before people just walk into his home. You wouldn't want a landlord just walking in if you rented, and they could argue technically it's their house, so similar thing.

My partner is like that with his family, just walks in. I always make him phone ahead if I’m with him. When I gave him a key to my house, he did the same to me and frightened the life out of me a few times even though I was expecting him. I’ve since asked him to notify me when he’s on his way and/or knock before letting himself in. It’s not that he’s not welcome. I would hate having anyone just walk in, I’d say it’s nothing to do with your sons and everything to do with the fact that he can’t relax in his own home the way things are. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to expect him to be ok with this.

Similarly I always knock on my teenager’s doors before walking in. They absolutely hate it if I don’t. It’s just normal courtesy.

But if they think they need to give notice they will definitely cut down how often they call. Going past saying I will just nip in is different than having to give notice, it will make them think differently.
I think at most it’s ok to ask them to ring the door bell on their way in, though I would be reluctant. You could just say their stepdad is afraid to be caught out walking around naked or being frightened not expecting someone. Don’t make a fuss of it. Beyond that make sure both they and your partner know they have an open door welcome. My adult son has moved out, this will always be his home.

@Mylifesadrama do you just walk into her home? Her ringing the bell hasn’t stopped her coming over though.

For those saying adult DC shouldn’t have to ring the bell etc did you just walk into their bedroom when they lived at home?

If adult DC have moved out do you see their house as their home?

Agree fully. It's just bare minimum, basic human decency, to at the very least knock the door.

I'd never feel relaxed at home if there was the constant prospect of anyone, even my own family members, barging in unannounced.

Yes, if it is the OP's house then I suppose she can set whatever rules she likes, but if you're not willing to offer a little slither of compromise, out of respect to your partners very basic and understandable wants and needs, that just reeks of abusiveness to me.

How many other people's houses have you lived in? Even if that was many, I am assuming people would keep their sex a bit more private when you were around.

I might be in the minority but I think your sons should ring the doorbell. They have left home, they have homes of their own. It is now your and your partner's home, not theirs. I have always rung my parents' doorbell since I left home out of respect for them and their space, even though I kept my front door key.

This is like one of those parallel world threads. I’ve rang the doorbell since the day I moved out, it’s not my home- I can’t imagine just barging in. Same as I’d expect anyone to knock first in my house.

My children easily pop in on their way to or from home or work, most of the time they didn't plan it in advance, more like "I was just passing by and thought to come in and say hi". It's not as if they always know it long enough in advance to give me a "warning", but I always think : if they were still living at home they would walk in all the time, it's their family home after all. In the case of your neighbour I know exactly how my son would react : he would say "I'll come back another time mom". That's life - at least that's how I see it.

I always ring the door bell at my parents house, it’s polite not to just barge in, you don’t know what they are doing. It always scares me a bit if I hear my parents coming in unannounced or I’m upstairs and suddenly realise there is someone in the house. I really don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect someone who doesn’t live in the house to ring/knock first before coming in the door.

Sending a text is no hardship, I really doubt they're that precious that they couldn't cope with just sending a heads-up text.

I would hate this, I wouldn’t be able to relax.

I don’t know anyone who just barges in on their parents.

I don’t think he’s BU at all.

My grown up stepdaughters have keys to our home. They both ring the doorbell and then if we don't answer let themselves in as they assume we are out. I don't think your partner is being unreasonable.

I take on board what everyone is saying about respect and politeness but it seems to me this man is setting himself up in competition or conflict with his partner's adult sons. Sort of 'the old bull v. the young bucks' -- he's making sure they know that he is, if not boss, certainly higher up the pecking order than they are.

They're less important than him now that he has moved in as he is literally 'the man of the house.'
Perhaps he's just not very confident, being outside the family unit, but his attitude and entitlement combined with the short length of time he has lived there makes me feel uneasy.

I don't think it's such an unreasonable request and we have had the same issue in our house. He must feel quite uncomfortable to be sitting in his house and not knowing when someone is going to come through the door!

I have two adult stepchildren (25 & 27), one has a key because he never gave it back and the other doesn't. A few weeks ago our youngest two were at Saturday morning clubs so we and dh took the opportunity to hop back into bed, 10 minutes later we hear a shout and ss has let himself in and our granddaughter was running up the stairs! Dh has taken his key away from him now and told him to knock!

What are you basing this gargantuan leap on?

Given I really don’t like my own parents barging in on me, I think it’s a massive leap to say the partner is being competitive/argumentative with his stepsons! He might just not appreciate people walking into his home with no notice, I’d never do it to my parents. People can just be different in the way they do things.

Nope my adult dc just use key come and go as they please. Never would they have to knock

I've also just let myself into my parents house and ils.

I think you, and a lot of other posters, are making up some absolutely ridiculous nonsense.

I doubt this is anything to do with "old bull v young bucks" and everything to do with wanting to have a smidgen of privacy in the place where you live. I would fully expect "the old bull" would feel similar if it was his own parents, the OP's parents or the OP's daughters were barging in unannounced.

As to entitlement, I do think he, and everyone else, are entitled to basic courtesy, and it's not as if he's "telling" the OP, he is asking an ask that at least half the thread think is entirely reasonable.

I always ring my elderly dad’s doorbell before entering. He won’t get to the door but just by ringing he knows someone will be in in a minute