Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

Your son's are adults it's no longer their home it is however your partners I agree they should ring door bell

I’m going to presume that you have an active sex life and that your DP doesn’t fancy performing for an audience.

If I’m visiting my parents and had specified a time, yes, I’d walk in but if I were just passing and they weren’t expecting me, I’d knock. They might be elderly but they’re still frisky!

My mum didn't like us just randomly appearing in her hallway-we all had keys but knew to ring the doorbell first.

I had a step-dad like this and he rubbed off on my Mother. It was horrible and hurtful - Very cold. She's still with him and due to a different situation where they've acted like controlling, gas-lighting, narcissistic bullies I have not spoken to them in 5 months.

What I'm saying, this is just the start of his behaviour. Nip it in the bud, move him out, or nip him in the bud completely.

If this is the only time they tend to come then you both are expecting them, so unless you choose to lock your door, it saves you from getting out of the chair.

It's your house, right, OP? And he moved in just a year ago?
Sorry but I think he's getting much too territorial, much too soon.
I don't like the sound of him much.
What next, will he start to become unwelcoming to your sons, or not answering the door to them if you do make them knock?
Slippery slope.

But he should be able to lick the door and expect the sons to knock in case he’s rogering their mum over the kitchen table! No better contraceptive than an older son turning up!

Not a big deal to knock or ring the bell is it. It might have been their childhood home and like my four adult kids they are welcome anytime but they wouldn’t just walk in. You could be doing anything he’s not saying they can’t come round is he.

Just when I think I've seen all the batshit craziness Mumsnet has to offer, up pop a couple of hundred people who think that an Adult asking for a modicum of privacy in his own home is a red flag, controlling and territorial.

And all these open-door policy, no boundaries for family folks are likely the very same that refuse to answer the door to any unknown caller. Mind blowing 🤯

Right? Probably the most shocked I've ever been at a thread on here.

Wish voting was turned on.

Did we establish that it's his own home - or is it the OP's and he's just Mum's new boyfriend that's moved in?

Each to their own, I never entered my mother's house without first knocking just out of courtesy, she could be doing anything, and when i was in relationships with women we were always at it like rabbits so you wouldn't want to walk in to that, probably still wouldn't have stopped though but if youre not like that then maybe he's just being overly sensitive.

No, you shouldn't give in to your partner I think. Your sons come home! Just like my children, they have their own key and use it - unless they've forgotten it 🤦🏼‍♀️. We even gave a housekey to our daughter-in-law. You can't possibly ask your own children to ring before they come in? You wouldn't ask them to give their housekeys back either!

Are they popping round BECAUSE of DP?

I could understand if they were popping around and interrupting intimate time (not just sexual, but like cuddle on the sofa time) or were disrespectful to him when they arrived. I wouldn't agree to pushing my boys away

The latter. Her house, her rules.

@Sennelier1 why cant you ask them to ring before they come in. Both DH and I can have late meetings, not much point popping in if we are working.

@BIossomtoes surely compromise is the key when you invite a partner to move in

Except she chose to invite him to live with her, so why can't he get a say?

Your own now adult children would know better than to disturb you while working wouldn't they? We don't have late meetings, but if there are visitors or we are too busy to sit down with our children they wave and go 🤷🏼‍♀️ My house is my children's house, they can come and go as they want.

It can still be their home with a gentle knock at the door. What if your partner wanted to walk around naked and is greeted with one of your sons walking through the door 🙈

@NeverDropYourMooncup I've never lived anywhere that hasn't been my home at the point that I've lived there? If he lives there, at the invite of OP, then it's also his home surely?

I owned the property that DH and I live in at the point that he was my boyfriend and moved in, at which point it became both of our HOME despite it legally being my HOUSE.

Reading this thread you’d think wandering around naked or having sex over the kitchen table was an everyday occurrence. It’s not in any house I’ve ever lived in.

With your DP on this. Good manners.

Wandering around naked, or at least just in my underwear, is an every day occurrence for me.

Not so much the sex.

@Sennelier1 but wouldn’t it be better to know it isn’t convenient to come in. What’s the point of coming in and waving and then going out again? Some of my meetings are confidential, can’t have someone just popping in

One of my neighbours is having an horrendous time, so sometimes comes over for a chat. Possibly wouldn’t appreciate someone cheerily popping in whilst she is sobbing her heart out