Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

Of course DC are independent. The eldest is married, the other two are young adults. I have several siblings. An exSIL is a neighbour. DB will sometimes pop in if he's visiting his DC or dropping her off. One DSis lives in London. She wouldn't dream of knocking either.

My friends will come by arrangement, knock then walk in. I chat now and then with neighbours but they would knock and wait if they had a parcel or problem, but I aren't the type to have them round for coffee, apart from an elderly neighbour we look out for.
Maybe it's because I'm in my 50s, never had any issues and had parents who never locked there's either. If my car is on the drive then I'm home. I didn't realise it was unusual to even answer the door until I joined MN years ago.

If it's your house, it's your rules

This thread is a bit gross. The lack of respect for your partners is horrifying. The guy just wants to be able to relax in privacy in his home without other people barging in on a daily basis with absolutely zero notice. That really isn’t too much to ask!

I’d hate living like that, wondering if you’ve left a pair of underwear out on the dryer, or a sex toy in the bathroom, or worrying about walking around naked or whatever other normal, private things you want to be able to get on with in your home.

He’s not being at all unreasonable to ask this, you’re being unreasonable not to afford him a small shred of privacy.

As it is their childhood home he can fuck off.

He probably will, when he realises he's not considered worthy of any respect of consideration in what is presumably now supposed to be his home too.

I wonder if people would be saying that if a woman didn't want her adult step-kids randomly barging in the house without knocking.

I've read the OP over and over again but can't see the bit that says the Partner is demanding the Sons make an appointment in writing 10-14 business days in advance of popping round, which some respondents seem to be seeing and reacting to 🤯

Yeah this

Probably. Any whiff of a new partner when children are involved, even if said children are adults with their own lives, and MN loses the ability to think rationally and maturely. It's all rigid thinking. Although thankfully, this thread appears split.

This is bloody ridiculous!! They're NOT children they're adults who don't live there. The partner does live there, therefore it's HIS home too. So what if it was where they grew up? I really don't get this at all? By that logic if the mum had sold the house to a new family can they just expect to come and go as they please?
They can come round whenever they like (according to the OP) partner just wants to know!

Agree. I'd hate it so much that I'd move out if I were him. He's not saying they're not welcome.

God yeah I hadn't even thought about other visitors. It's insane. If they lived there still and walked in when you had OTHER guests presumably they'd go to their rooms? Not having rooms now to go to WTF do they do? Do you not have anyone round ever other than them?
Would you expect to just join any group of friends they happen to have over at any time? Are you not allowed to do ANYTHING without them?

I'm SURE their partners wouldn't!

It's crazy isn't it?

I would never dream of just walking into my parents' home - I always knock - I mean, I really don't want to walk in to my dad wandering about in his pants lol.

All families are different on this, and I don't think there os s right or wrong answer on this.
Ok, the only wrong answer is to do what my DM does, which is to leave the door locked and the key in the door and then say "just let yourself in."

If she moved in to the house owned by her partner and made demands about said partner's children knocking on the door, I'd still say the same. Does that cover you?

Your DP is waving his willy around. Tell him to put it back in his pants.

Well he's got no choice if people are just going to turn up and walk into his home whenever they like.

This problem could be simply solved by OPs partner locking the door when he is in alone. It’s a sensible thing to do to stop sneak thieves. It can be left unlocked if OP is in.

The problem here is whether you are yet prepared to enter an adult equal relationship, including but separate to your children. Yes it’s your children’s home. But there does have to be give and take to accommodate your partner, who has moved into the scenario - it’s his home too. I’ve lived this and whilst you will act the dotingfull mum .. you are undermining your relationship with your new loved one. Your kids should respect your ‘other’ relationships. You are in the middle here, and only you can resolve it. X

Your sons have moved out and live elsewhere, your partner has moved in and lives with you. His request is not unreasonable at all - how is he meant to relax if your sons can just walk into the house with no notice? Do you not also want a bit of private enjoyment of your home without your sons just wandering in all the time? Asking them to ring a doorbell isn’t saying they can’t come around, it’s asking that they give five seconds notice before walking through the door. YABU.

I ring the doorbell to my parents house and always have done since I moved out. Yes it was my home and will always be my childhood home, but I don’t live there any more. I wouldn’t want them to let themselves into my house without warning so I’ll do them the same courtesy.

Nobody's making any demands though - he's just asking that they knock before they come barging in

Presumably the sons have a key?

Dependsd on the lock. You can’t get in my house if it’s locked and the key is still in the lock. A security chain could be fitted

I walk into my parent's house without ringing the bell or knocking, BUT I rarely go round if I haven't called/messaged them first. If they didn't know I was coming I'd probably knock.