Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

But her kids have moved out and live independently now, so it's not really the family home anymore?

Exactly. There've been plenty of OPs on Mumsnet about PILs just walking in without knocking. Or MNers arriving home expecting to find an empty house, and discovering MIL on the sofa with a cup of tea she's made for herself!

Can't believe how many people think it is fine to turn up unannounced at a relative's home and walk straight in. Maybe if you're live close by and see each other daily. But not otherwise. These boys, sorry men in their late 20s, have their own places to live. Yes, I saw my parents' home as also MY home until I had a permanent home of my own at 26, but we didn't live close and I would never have turned up without letting them know first.

Mum having a new partner move in must be a jolt for them, I understand that, but they should be mature enough to understand the dynamic has changed. He's not saying they can't drop in, just that he'd like some notice.

In itself it is NOT a red flag. There may be all sorts of drama we don't know about that OP hasn't mentioned, but I feel a lot of people are answering as if that is assumed.

I suppose every family is different. My family home remained our family home long after we moved out. We would walk in and out because we grew up there - still had bedrooms referred to as our rooms with our childhood stuff still there.

when my parents downsized to their new home it was different. We had never lived there. We knocked before opening the door. We don’t have bedrooms there and don’t call it ‘our’ house, it’s mum and dad’s house.

@coffeesaveslives I agree with you also.

You said it's their home but it's not anymore. They live somewhere else.
If it was their home it would be where they returned to every day and you would know their schedule and when they were likely to turn up. Even after university when I was living at home for a while, i would let my parents know if I was going to be late or not back until the morning. It's basic manners isn't it, to let people know who is likely coming in if they hear the front door opening at an unexpected time.
Just randomly turning up on no schedule and letting yourself in with your key with no knock to announce you're there is very weird and I wouldn't like it at all.

As @burnoutbabe says

When the boys get partners will mum just wander into their houses whenever they want with no notice?

This is because people who are saying they should come and go as they please in their parents' home are not treating their parents as adults with their own lives. They are forever just "mum and dad", and even 32 year old grown adults are acting like perpetual children.

Waltzing into your parents' house without announcing beforehand is fine if they say it's fine. And maybe it was fine before for OP. But she can't choose to live with another adult, call him her partner, and not allow him to have a say in this. He's doing nothing unreasonable, he's not saying they cannot visit anymore (although the reactions on this thread seem to suggest he may as well be saying that 🙄), he's merely asking that they give a heads up before they come round.

God almighty, they could be shagging each other or anything. Posters who feel they have a right to wander in to their parents' homes any time they please are treating them like they are without their own complex lives, there simply to play the role of mum and dad forever more.

The thing is, it's your parents. Unlike OP it's her newish partner. Everyone's household differs but I do think its intrusive to just walk into someone's house. Family or friend it's irrelevant.

Totally reasonable request imo.

I moved out of home at 18 and I’m 44 now. I’m still very welcome and have keys but I’ll either text to say I’m on my way over or I’ll knock/ring as I’m opening the door.

I'll ask my kids to do the same when they move out. It’s nothing to do with not being welcome but everyone deserves some privacy. I may be doing something private in my own home!

@Yourthebeertheif

Not going to respond to your name calling because that's just laughable BUT...

In answer to your question - Yes my mam and dad DO also walk into my home without knocking when my partner is here?

That's just what families do. We are in South Wales and this is pretty common . Maybe it differs by area - Who knows.

It's just what's normal for us and OP was asking for personal opinions which is what I gave.

DP has to put up and shut up on this occasion. Even if your boys take it well to your face and start to ring the doorbell then I'm sure there'll be a conversation between them about it and they may start to visit less as they'll feel less welcome. Especially if it's their childhood home and not a new place you've just moved to with your partner.

Same here . I live with DH and adult DS

We all let each other know if we go out and when we are going to be home. It’s good manners.

Name calling?

That's just what families do.

This is what your family do.

OP's partner doesn't like it and is suggesting a perfectly reasonable and adult compromise. According to Mumsnet he's a red flag waving bastard.

@LL1991

i think you may be underestimating the sons. If they’re decent people they probably won’t think anything of it! I wouldn’t!

People are reacting like he's asked for their keys to be taken away. He's just asked for them to allow for small privacy needs and id be astonished if they batted an eye.
"Hey boys, do you mind dinging the bell as you come in if you haven't let us know to expect you so we know you're here and we're not being burgled? We don't always hear the door opening but we do hear the bell. Thanks!"
Why would they care?

Agree totally. I knock before I use my keys at my mother's place, though I grew up there, out of respect for her privacy. If two of you live there, it's both of your home and you both deserve that respect.

Fuck that. It's their home and they'll always be welcome, even if they lived on the other side of the world. My siblings don't knock either.

I wouldn't go into either of my parents homes and just let myself in unexpectedly.

As it is their childhood home he can fuck off.

I forget in MN world everyone locks their doors all the time.

@Daschund I do lock our door. I’m guessing the popping in people also live very close by.

Do families who pop in without notice not have social lives outside close family? Are you ever out when people pop over? Or have other visitors in? Do you not see your children as independent?

What's people's attitude about knocking before you go into someone's bedroom?
"Fuck that, it's my house"?
It's exactly the same thing. Basic manners. Letting them know you're there. Whether you wait to be asked in or just knock then open the door varies between households but I'd never just open the door unannounced. Same for just walking into someone else's house.

So you'd be happy if someone just barged in to your home without knocking?

My grown up kids still live with us but if they didn't, I'd expect them to let me know they were coming over. As it is, they usually message to say when they'll be back or answer if I ask them. It's just common courtesy.

I don’t think asking two men in their late twenties to ring a door bell is a big deal. It isn’t like he is saying they can’t come over. When he moved in it became his home too and this seems like a reasonable compromise to me.

This

If they come most days, I personally would find it very intrusive.

It’s your house but when you invited him to move in it became his home too and as he lives there and they don’t, I think he has a point. I think knocking or apping that they are coming round, is a very grown up compromise. I think your sons wouldn’t be keen if you popped round whenever you felt like it.