Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

I would always send a quick text first before going round to my parents. I’d then let myself in but they know I’m coming. The same applies to them and my home.

@chasingchange do you ever go out so you are not there when they pop round, so could only be your partner at home? Does your partner have adult DC?

I totally agree with this but what’s sad is that a lot of mothers don’t seem to see themselves as worthy of this respect - they just see themselves as mums, and they dare not put in any boundaries in case their sons /daughters take umbrage and go no contact!

@Christmasfairy3

lol why would knocking or texting put them off coming over? It’s hardly arduous. If they wanted Op to do that with their house would it put Op off visiting them do you think?

Ringing the bell before letting themselves in should be the bare minimum, just announcing another person is coming in. In my parent's home we had a small bell pattern to let them know we are coming and letting ourselves in (opposing to needing them to open when we forgot the keys or so).

I don't see why dropping a message when they decide they are coming would be too much.

Make him ring the bell, it's more your kids house than his?

Team partner here. It isn’t your sons’ home anymore. Knocking to announce their arrival isn’t going to alienate your sons.

And if you've got this little respect for him as a partner then just ask him to pack his bags and go today, he deserves better.

If that's how she feels, he's better off without her.

No chance would I put up with this. Your DP is a dick.
It waa your sons home,;not your cock lodging DP. Show home the door for one last time.

If you want both you compromise.

I agree. The sons are adults, and have moved out. I think they should knock. Do you walk in their homes unannounced? Maybe your dh feels less comfortable, because it is now his home too, and has a right to privacy when required. I'm sorry op, but I feel he isn't being unreasonable in asking for them to ring the doorbell. You don't always have to be up to company.

He’s a cock lodger because he wants a minutes notice? How fragile are people imagining the adult ds to be that they can’t cope with sending a text or ringing the doorbell and it will some how damage their relationship?

Nah, that’s weird. If the door is unlocked I would expect my children to walk right in.
What difference does it make to him?

You really struggle to understand why?

I'm 32, moved out when I was 17 and still just walk into my parents house , I have a key too.
They would never dream of asking me to knock - I'm not a guest? I'm family and no matter how far I travel that will always be home.

I think trying to introduce this now is going to cause some bad feelings between the sons and him. He has only been there a year but your children are a constant , he needs to get used to the way things work and cannot expect accommodations to be made that are unreasonable.

It would be different if the boys were coming during in the night when you were in bed ect but from what you've said that's not the case they are popping round after work.

I think it's lovely they make the effort to see you everyday! But maybe they won't if it's made awkward xx

@DaemonMoon

totally agree. Op should get her sons to text when they’re on their way. Good compromise.

@Whammyammy

its not the sons home anymore though is it. They have their own homes now. It is op and partners home.

Except he lives there too, presumably because OP loves him and wants him to be a part of her daily life.

The dynamic has changed now - the kids have grown up and moved out and now she's living with a new partner. I'm not sure I'd be happy knowing my partners' adult kids could just stroll in whenever they fancied either.

He's only living in YOUR house for a year you say. Is this the first new rule he's laid down?

Very difficult OP. Its definitely an AMBER flag. He's not your children's father so it's tricky isn't it. I would think most people knock on their parents door I see it as basic manners. I don't think your partner has a right to ask you to ask your own sons to phone you though. Don't let a man change your routine OP.

@coffeesaveslives maybe this should of been established before moving in with OP?

It would be different if you both bought a new home together - but he moved into the family home. So he has to comply with the house rules. He should have considered all this before he moved into a family home.

have you protected your home for your boys?

When the boys get partners will mum just wander into their houses whenever they want with no notice?

I doubt it as any partner would put their foot down to that very quickly.

I agree - they should both have sat down and talked about it.

OP is unreasonable to assume things would stay the same now her kids have moved out and she has a new partner living with her, but the DP is also unreasonable to think he can come along and change the status quo without a discussion.