Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

We always just walked in to my Mums, at one point there were three households all related to each other in the same street.so there was a lot of popping in. DS GF of six years now has a key and just let’s herself in and it doesn’t bother me at all. But this is MN where people don’t even answer the door.

All I would say is make sure your property is protected as he has moved in to it.

It’s not your sons’ home - they have moved out and live in their own homes. It would be basic courtesy for them to at least ring the doorbell before letting themselves in. No one should be walking straight into a house if they don’t currently live in that house.

@Christmasfairy3 Careful, you'll pull a muscle reaching like that.

'Putting distance between them' FFS. The poor bloke has just asked for a moment's notice before Adult Men that he's not related to stroll straight into the place he's presumably been invited to treat as his home. Nowhere has the OP said he doesn't want them to come, or even not come as often.

I always knock and wait to be let into my parents house, like i do anybody else's. It's not my house. I expect the same of anybody coming to my house. I'd hate someone just walking into my house whenever they wanted.

It doesn't matter that they used to live there. They don't anymore. He does. It is his home, not theirs. He's entitled to feel comfortable.

I would want someone to ring the doorbell or knock before coming in - not because I’m naked or having sex but just so I’m not startled!

I ring my mums doorbell then open the door, seems a good balance. Whilst she will be expecting me, i wouldn't want to surprise her

My dc tell me they are coming I should add, it's only polite once they have moved out

I would have no issue with ringing the doorbell before letting myself in, to avoid giving a freight to the person in the house.
It would not be much of an issue if they pop in around the same time each day. But if it varies, thete are lots of chances to scare your OP.

I give a quick knock/ring, open and walk in with a 'hello?' at my parents and in-laws, I think that's the polite way to do it.

I'd hate someone to just 'be' in my house without my knowledge especially if I was on the toilet or wandering around after a shower!

I would not be happy if anybody just walked into my house when I wasn't expecting them (aside from those I live with)

If I know roughly when to expect you then fine, walk in, if I've no idea if you are coming then don't just walk in.

Your DP hasn't said they aren't allowed to come round, just that he doesn't want them walking straight in without him knowing. They aren't his son's and I'm assuming he hasn't known them all that long at all and didn't know them when they were growing up?

Obviously it's your house but when you ask someone to move in it also becomes their house and they should be able to have a say in how it's run unless it's an unreasonable request like your adult kids are never allowed round for no reason at all but if that were the situation then why continue a relationship let alone live with them.

If you can't let him have a say then ask him to move out and either continue a relationship living apart or end things totally.

Otherwise where does it end? Not allowed to have a say in the heating? Isn't allowed to not want your kids to help themselves to his beer/food he's been saving.

I wouldn't just walk into my parents house without knocking once I no longer lived there.

I live a long way from my parents' but a 20 minute drive from my in-laws'.
It always used to bother me that ma-in-law had a key and would just walk in unannounced.... I once came upon her in the hallway and she said "oh, you made me jump!" To which I replied, "but I live here!"

However, when I go to my Mum and Dad's I always ring the bell before letting myself in : it's just courtesy.
It's no longer my "home". Your DP is not being at all unreasonable!

If you are not expecting someone I would find it very odd for them to suddenly appear in the house.

How does popping in work now many people WFH at some point in the week. Both DH and I often have Teams meetings that can carry on into early evening. I usually work downstairs so popping in visitors could potentially walk into confidential meeting or make me jump if I have headphones on.

And if both DH and I are both still working what does the popping in person do?

If your Mum had a new partner (so had a new sex life on the go) and it was now, were we can stream films/series any time. Would you expect her to be constantly available?
I've had to put boundaries in place with my middle and eldest, because they needed to look towards friends for the long phone conversations. I'm also not constantly available. If we want to go back to bed (because mornings are better for both of us as we age) I don't want to have to make excuses. There should be that level of respect for your Mum, as a person and her partner.

Indeed.

When a partner comes along, things change. When I used to visit my parents they'd bring me tea in bed. Just come into bedroom with the tea. Once partner also came along they stopped that to respect boundaries.

I never visit parents unexpectedly as live 3 hours away. If I arrive they are expecting me at that time or collected me. Then I just let myself into their house as they have left the lobby door open and shoot hellooo.

Is this new partner allowed to select one person to just turn up and let themselves in every day without warning ?

He sounds like you see him like a lodger. He'd be best moving out if you can't treat him as an equal partner.

Yes it's a red flag! It's YOUR house. They're your DC. Tell
him to fuck off.

Op was happy with them not knocking before he moved him .
Who is he to change how she lives

Her partner. That is, someone with whom she presumabmy has an equal relationship.

(I have keys to my mother's house, which is the house where I grew up. But I always ring the bell and wait, even if she's expecting me. I don't want to startle her by suddenly appearing in the house.)

The partner isn’t saying they can’t come, just a bit of warning. If OP had moved into his house or they bought a house together would people view sons just walking in differently?

If OP moved into his house would she be happy if MIL had free rein in the house and could just walk in

Actually thinking about it I generally text my partner who I have lived with to say I am on way home (assuming I have not gone out 10 mins before)

Usually it's just to confirm I am at the local tube stop /got off the bus and am doing the 10 min walk home. And check if we need anything at local Tesco's.

And if at parents and I am out with mum she'll say -let dad know we are on bus back and put kettle on/make lunch. So we are a family that likes to know what's happening.

adriftinadenofvipers

“TBH I've never felt moved to wander round my house naked. Even before I had children! The postman might knock, the electricity guy might call to read the meter, the milkman used to call for his money weekly, or a delivery might arrive. For the last 27+ years there's been one or other child in the house too. Plus I'd have to close all the curtains so the neighbours couldn't see in! It's not a hardship to remain clothed to some degree!
My eldest is buying a house and I won't expect her to knock etc when she comes to the house. She can let herself in and call out to let us know she's in the house.
Though tbh I think it's most likely that we will know to expect her when she calls? I always walked into my parents' house, and they never locked the door during the day, but they knew we were coming”

but that’s just it.. the milkman, postman electricity guy doesn’t just walk straight in, they ring the bell.. you may not choose to run downstairs after a bath for a glass of water before getting dressed but maybe others do??

I have adult children and when they move out they know they can always move back any time for whatever reason. But if they live somewhere else then yes, they’ll have to let us know they’re coming it’s just common courtesy, in the same way I wouldn’t walk into my parents flat without telling them. Dh and I might be having sex and I’d like to know who was in? Surely that’s normal?!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to ring the bell.

Not unreasonable. What if he wants to lie on the sofa eating crisps in a dressing gown all day? How can he fully relax knowing people could walk in at any time? It’s not a red flag.

I’m with your DP. It’s not where they live now, it’s great they pop around but they need to knock.

I feel really exposed when we stay a few days at my inlaws with our kids and their adult children just walk in the house at random times without ringing first.

@adriftinadenofvipers will you just walk into your DD’s house?

@DaemonMoon

Really? is it fine though? Most women want both - a partner as well as their kids.