Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

I don't ring the doorbell when I go to my DPs because I have a key, and they have a cat who is terrified of the doorbell. So my DPs expressly tell us to avoid ringing it wherever possible! However if they did ask me to ring it or knock before entering that would be absolutely fine with me, I wouldn't be at all put out. They have a key to my house and they never just come in unannounced, if theyre stopping by unannounced they always ring the doorbell or knock and wait for a bit first. I appreciate that because very rarely I might be in a state of undress or whatever so it gives me a minute to sort myself out. So I can see that they could want the same back and it's not unreasonable.

Actually it isn't - they don't live there, the partner does. Where you live is your home.

Historically it's the family home, but in terms of who lives there now it is your home and his home. I think if you say no to this it will always feel like your house that he lives in. You're giving their right (as people who used to live there) to walk in more power than his right (as someone who currently lives there) to veto that.
I know 'just popping in' is quite polarising here but I really don't think it's an big ask that people who don't live there ring the bell at the very least before they visit.

Some of these replies are nuts to me. They don't live there, DP does, it would be basic common courtesy to ring the bell before openong the door and isn't exactly a hardship.

Yea, I'm completely with the partner here.

Maybe because I grew up like that, but no one in my immediate family or relatives' families does what your sons do.

Quick call/text before coming and then ring the doorbell. The call/txt is a courtesy thing, not to ask for permission or anything, but just a quick heads up. And naturally, sometimes the visit wouldn't be possible, maybe they're not in, have a headache, very busy with work that day or similar. Most of the time it's a 'yes' of course.

I'd personally wouldn't like people (yea, family included) just popping in daily out of the blue at any time and definitely not just appearing in my home. Like I'm in a bathroom, come out and they're just standing there. They're adult men, moved out and have their own lives, they can surely ring the doorbell.

I call and ring the doorbell when I go visit my family and I really don't think that they love me less or don't want me there because I had to ring.

Sorry but surely this is a joke?

Ha! I’ve had the opposite, I have a key to my neighbors house for cat, piggie, and dog feeding.
Over the last few years there have been a few misunderstandings about when I should feed the animals. Kids and husband just look at me and go “Hi” then carry on. We have a joke that if I moved in, nobody would challenge me!

I'd maintain the status quo.
Can understand DP's side.. but I'd care more that DC feel welcome and continue popping in.

Once you've moved out of the family home, you knock. I've never just walked into a family members house in my life. The thought of looking up from the sofa and finding a relative, who doesn't live with me, standing there, fills me with horror. What if the place looks like a tip, I'm snoozing, look like shit or am sitting there in just my bra or a towel. Fucking hell no. It would be no better if they had come out of my fanny.

They pop in most/everyday?!

Are your apron strings really bungee ropes?!

There should be a voting button on this one! Really divided.
I am in the camp of HINBU (New partner is being not being unreasonable). Just don’t make it a big deal. They can come whenever they want with no notice but you and new partner are entitled to a bit of privacy.

I think he's being reasonable. I knock at my parents house.

I have a key to my mother’s house but I would never just let myself in without warning.

My partner has a key to my apartment but he still buzzes the intercom to let me know he’s on the way up.

It’s just good manners in my opinion.

If they're expected - no problem.
If not, ring the bell.

Why have you moved in someone who doesn't like your sons .
He's putting distance between you and your family
The more this continues,the less they will visit you .
Then what happens when they have children,and they don't get on with him ,so they don't visit .
What happens when you die ,can he claim the house or some if it if it's been his home for however many years .
Don't like the sound of your boyfriend,no one would come between me and my children,he would of been shown the door ,in my house and told to walk through it and not come back .
My adult kids just walk in my home , nothing is more lovely than the sound of their hello ..mum .as they walking ..
Your boyfriend is going to cause more problems with time ,if you don't get rid

I can see some people on here think it good manners to knock ..
These are her children
Not a random relation
Plus
Op was happy with them not knocking before he moved him .
Who is he to change how she lives

I'm really surprised how divided this thread is, I don't expect the "yeah, come right on through the door with zero notice" attitude would extend to a MIL in any circumstance.

Not a chance. He's massively over stepping.

Honestly some of the answers on here are absolutely mental. How is asking for the privacy of a few seconds warning before adult men who are NOT your partner's children unreasonable or controlling? Why should he always feel like he's living in YOUR house? Surely you want it to be a home for the 2 of you? Your sons are always welcome of course but as far as I can tell he isn't disputing that - he just doesn't want them walking in at any moment without him knowing! Imagine you went on holiday with your best friend and her adult kids. Imagine you shared a room with your best mate. Now imagine her adult kids just walking in whenever they feel like it without knocking, so basically no warning. Would you feel comfortable? I wouldn't.
Honestly if I was your DP I'd probably be considering moving out. I just couldn't live with the possibility that and extra adult or 2 could just be in my house at any moment. You could NEVER relax.
And the red flag thing? Do me a favour! The only red flags I can see are from you, trying to enforce that it's YOUR house and not a home for the 2 of you. I honestly cannot believe that anyone who is agreeing with you on this would be happy if the sexes were reversed. Imagine you moved in with your partner. His adult kids just walked in at any moment without you knowing. And also imagine him wanting you to always feel like it's not YOUR house anyway. I think there'd be plenty of LTB responses to that!

The OP is well within her rights to always have them walk in. But she needs to accept the likelihood of relationships not progressing or developing. But that's fine. She has her children.

It's now your partners home and he has two grown men just letting themselves in. I wouldn't like it.
I think there can be a compromise like a quick text before they arrive or ring the bell then pop in, but I don't think he's being unreasonable

Adult children should ring the doorbell of a home they don’t live in. No one should be living with a partner when they aren’t prepared to give them proper rights to their home.

my own husband sees his mother mist days. she lives on her own she mid 80s he just checks she OK and brings in sticks and coal etc for her if need be. she only lives 5 mins down road which helps but I don't see an issue.
he doesn't just walk in he knocks on the door and shouts hello before going in.

would in my case 😂 I rather her over my own mother anyday. she would knock and then come in.

how so? they are still family ?