Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

I mean, if they lived there, completely unreasonable to expect it.
when we visit my Mum, we just go in at the back of the house BUT, they always know we're coming and roughly what time. I wouldn't show up annanounced and just let myself in. wer're expected when we show up. so it's different. if they're showing up unnanounced, it's not unreasonable to ask that.

Oh don't be so bloody dramatic!! There are plenty of posts on here agreeing with OP's partner. Yes, children are for life, but that doesn't mean their every whim comes before other people's views. Once they are adults they should be treated as adults.

I knock and then walk into my best friend's house, never mind my Mum's.

Maybe knock to announce that they're there, but certainly not ring beforehand or stand on the doorstep and wait for you to answer the door.

this is not controlling behaviour. its his home. imagine walking down the stairs of your home, in your loungewear, and wondering whether your partners children will be letting themselves in without notice. no one would be comfortable with that!

My DCs are grown adults with partners and homes of their own. They don’t have keys to my house or vice versa.

If they needed it, they have a home with me, but while they have happy and stable lives elsewhere we all show respect for that, both ways.

I don’t think OP’s partner is wrong.

Team partner.
a quick text - on my way over,
or at the very least a knock and then enter whilst shouting hello

Yes red flag, tell him it will always be their home, if he really doesn't like it he can always move out.

@Pussycat22

this!

From the moment I moved out I've always made it clear when I was entering my childhood home. Due to distance, I've never dropped in. If I had been in the area, I've always called to check first. I've also always rung the doorbell/ announced my entrance on letting myself in in order not to startle DM.

In my own home, I announce my entry if I know that other family members are in, again so that they're not startled.

We're in the early days of the DCs being left for longer periods/ letting themselves in/out. It's polite and functional to let other family members know your intentions and where you are, and it applies to all members of the household/ family.

Knowing who's in your home is a functional and normal request.

Haven't read all replies but going against the grain of initial ones I would hate to live in a situation where people were just walking straight into my home without warning at any time. Granted it used to be OP's Son's home but it's not any more and it is her Partner's home now. Ringing the bell and waiting a minute before walking in would be a good compromise. At least gives a minute to get decent if not already and removes the risk of not hearing the door open and getting a fright, for one thing.

If you and your Sons want to continue the no warning at all model OP then absolutely fair enough, but if your Partner decides to move back out I don't think he could be blamed.

We walk straight into SIL's house and I always used to at my Grandparents but for pre-planned visits, not completely unannounced and at random.

Your DP is a ridiculous knob.

It's more their house than his!

@OhDearMuriel

well, no it isn’t on account of two key things :-

1. they don’t live there, OP’s partner does. The sons have their own houses.

2. presumably the sons don’t pay anything toward the mortgage, bills etc of OP’s house. Presumably her partner does.

so how can it be more the sons house than his exactly?

I agree.. I walk around naked sometimes and would hate the feeling dh's adult kids could just walk in without knocking. As they're late 20's surely that's mature enough to understand that altering will
Always be their home, someone else now lives there too?

I'm totally with the partner on this and it would be a major concern - the OP doesnt seem to have moved on from the mother and children role and doesnt seem to accept the sons as adults.

I left home aged 18 and from that point onwards always knocked on the door even though I had a key - it was my childhood home and I lost any claim to it once I left. I presume the OP doesnt have their childhood bedrooms done up ready for them?

After age 18 mostly I was living away and so I would arrange to visit but on several occasions I would pass and call in ad hoc without warning - on these occasions I would always knock.

Its basic respect for my parents which I would expect them to extend to me. Now we live about 10 minutes walk away and even though we have keys to each others houses I still would not dream of letting myself in.

*it will always be their home

No wonder so many people go NC with their mothers on MN if the norm is to treat your own children like strangers.And put some bloke above them.

@StarSlinger

what if it was their father wanting them to ring doorbell? Lots of birth parents on here saying they prefer their sons or daughters to do that or knock.

it’s really no hardship to text when on your way round to someone’s home or ring a bell. I do that every single time I go to my parents house.

How is asking them to give a bit of warning before walking in 'treating them like strangers'?

As far as I understand it the partner isn't saying that they can't still turn up and come in whenever they want, just that he'd like a bit of warning before they walk into what I assume the OP invited him to now consider his home?

I don't know how any of you saying he's unreasonable can ever truly relax, shag, have a nap, pop downstairs naked etc with the risk that any of your family (or your partner's family) could just walk straight in at any moment.

I would not just turn up unannounced and let myself into my DM's house. I would message first and ask if it's ok to pop in and say I'll be there in 20 mins or whatever. She doesn't like people ringing the doorbell, it makes her jump, but I think it's basic respect for someone else's privacy to give some notice of popping round. I don't think it's an unreasonable request to have privacy in your own home tbh, I would never relax if I thought people would be letting themselves in at any time of day and I had no say over that. I don't think he is BU, as they are adults who don't live there.

Do people not have lives? I always phone before popping into my mum’s. I would expect the same for anyone coming here to make it was convenient

It’s not even just for privacy reasons but safety reasons. Can you not imagine how startling it must be (for anyone) to hear noises in another room/downstairs/other side of the house when you think you’re alone in the house? It’s just courteous to announce your presence. I wouldn’t want to give my father a heart attack!

He’s not saying they’re not welcome round at any time, he’s just asking for them to ring the doorbell before they let themselves in so he is not caught completely off-guard. Not only is it good manners but good practical sense. Bizarre that people think the only reason you might want notice is if you’re having sex, naked or “have a porn/drug addiction” (???) instead of just a basic baseline right to privacy and heaven forbid a few seconds to prepare for company.

I wouldn't like my (hypothetical) MIL and FIL to just be able to walk into my house at any time unannounced despite my husband saying his parents are his parents so are welcome in his house anytime.

If mum and dad know I'm coming over I'll just let myself in, if not I knock.

It's not that I'm unwelcome it's just a courtesy. My parents like a good nap I don't want to scare them by just walking in.

When you lived alone I think it's fine but he's not their dad so I think it's fair that they don't just let themselves in.

TBH I've never felt moved to wander round my house naked. Even before I had children! The postman might knock, the electricity guy might call to read the meter, the milkman used to call for his money weekly, or a delivery might arrive. For the last 27+ years there's been one or other child in the house too. Plus I'd have to close all the curtains so the neighbours couldn't see in! It's not a hardship to remain clothed to some degree!

My eldest is buying a house and I won't expect her to knock etc when she comes to the house. She can let herself in and call out to let us know she's in the house.

Though tbh I think it's most likely that we will know to expect her when she calls? I always walked into my parents' house, and they never locked the door during the day, but they knew we were coming.

Blimey OP, I think you're totally unreasonable to be so dismissive of your partner's discomfort. If anyone is waving red flags in the relationship it's you!

Once my DC have left home they will not be walking in unannounced. And they won't be using their keys until we're too infirm to be able to easily pop up and answer the door. Ideally they will also be messaging or calling to let me know they're on the way. In fact, we all tend to message in our family WhatsApp to give the other members of the household a heads up when we're heading home.

I can't live always on alert so I won't.

And yes, I do understand that other's feel differently, the OP being one of those. But her DP does not feel the same way, and if her house is now his home he's entitled to feel comfortable there.

MIL/FIL is completely different!