Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

My Mum is her 90s. She hasn't needed care yet but I do lots of things to support her and live 10 minutes away.

Even if she knows I am visiting that day, I always ring her to say I am on my way. She generally unlocks the door. If she hadn't, despited me having a key, I would ring the bell.

Since I left home after university, I would never call at her home without at least giving her a 10 minute heads up I was on the way unless I had reason to think there was an emergency.

Otherwise she is an adult and I am respecting her space.

In the circumstances I'd feel the same and wonder if you had room in life for a committed relationship. Presumably he gave his own home to move in with you which is a sacrifice. Now you don't appear committed enough to allow the most basic level of privacy of at least having a warning if a visitor (ie, someone who doesn't live in the house) is about to appear.

This. Absolutely this

I moved out when I was 18. My dad moved his GF in. I had a key. I used my key when I came home. It was the house I grew up in. My childhood home and I was not going to be treated like a guest who rings the bell. Nor was I ever asked to. Had I been I would have been very upset.

I think it totally depends on your dynamic tbh. I personally ring the doorbell to my parents house and I’m there nearly every day but I just do it without thinking because I don’t live there any more.

however other people I know do just wander in to their parents house and that’s fine too!

I think it’s just a matter of everyone being comfortable/happy with the arrangement

Would a good compromise be asking your sons to text “be at yours in 5 minutes” so your DP at least knows to expect them?

It's your house and your sons, you decide. I can see the sense of ringing the bell if they were turning up at unexpected times but it sounds like a regular thing when you are pretty much expecting them, so I don't see the point of them ringing the bell.

Dp is being controlling. Your house, your children.

If they live elsewhere then it's not their home any longer, home is where one lives not where one used to live. My daughter will ring the bell and then come in which seems a reasonable compromise.

Explain to your other half, it's your house and your rules. Of course DC shouldn't have to ring. If he/she doesn't like it, they can move out.

Say WHAT now? You own the home and he wants your children to knock before entering their childhood home? One thing if he was part owner but he’s not… I’d be packing his shit up and sending him right along….

Is it really that big a deal to ask them to ding the bell as they open the door?
I do so my parents know I'm there, they might be having a private conversation, have letters out with personal medical information they didn't want to discuss, not be dressed, or I just might make them jump. It's polite to let the people who live there know you're about to barge in isn't it?

Same. We call round to our in-laws and never knock 😂

Id be really annoyed if someone who didn't live in my home let themselves in, even if it was DD. Get them to knock / ring the bell.

I’d ring the bell/knock before letting myself into my mum’s house. And it’s also your partner’s home now too. For all they know, he might be dancing around in his pants in a risky business stylie! It would considerate for them to knock and if I were him, I’d certainly prefer it.

I’m with your DP. I wouldn’t be able to relax if I knew someone could come in any minute. Sometimes I’m on the sofa in just my T-shirt and underwear watching Telly and picking dead bits of skin off my foot! And haven’t gotten around to unloading dishwasher. I’d hate to always have to be on alert. There’s nothing wrong with them giving a 5 minute warning or something. Nobody’s saying they can’t come.

Presumably the OP doesn't want him to move out.

This! Surely it’s just respectful to do this whether it’s your parents or your step parents?!

Hmm. Normally I am against partners who move in interfering with the established norms of the household.

On the other hand, maybe he feels he can't nip to the refrigerator in his pants, or suggest some spontaneous sex, or whatever, never knowing who is going to be bursting through the door at any moment. A quick knock and "Hello! It''s me, Oliver," isn't asking too much.

I don't have adult children who would consider my house their childhood home so I don't understand that dynamic, but the idea that someone who doesn't live in my house could just walk straight in uninvited and with no warning is utterly horrifying to me. If I'm by myself I could be in any state or doing anything and I don't wish for anyone to just wander in. I'm agog that people "popping in" without ringing the doorbell is normal for so many of you.

You could pander to his request. But be prepared for them just not bothering to pop in to see you. If you're happy with that then fine. Remember your sons are in your life forever. Your DP could be gone this time next year.

Partners come and go , children are for life. This is controlling behaviour, he won't be happy until you are isolated. Get out now!

Compromise on locking door? I'd doirs locked then kids knock

OP if you want to answer this for yourself, reverse the role. If you lived in your partners house how would you feel about his adult children walking in his house at any time.

There os a big difference of opinion across the responses so I certainly wouldn't consider it a red flag

It’s not your sons home Op, so I can’t why they wouldn’t knock tbh

I always knocked at my DF's door - because that's what he did at mine. If I was paying a regular visit to my DM I would just walk in, if it was a random visit I would knock and then call out as I let myself in.

Your home is now also your DP's home, and as your sons no longer live there it's not their home. I can't see what is so terrible about expecting them to knock on the door to announce they are there.

Indeed. I'm assuming the OP has moved in someone she loves, respects and trusts. Not the enemy. I'm also assuming the OP has raised emotionally mature adults who can understand the different dynamics of new relationships.

If the OP had a lodger, I think a lodger would also be well within their rights to ask that people do not let themselves in without knocking etc.