To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

I'd definitely have at least 3 more children preferably with different fathers.
Unschool them all and re-home an XL Bully or two.
(I would also stop posting bollocks on MN when you're bored)

Even if the relationship was close to perfect it'd still be a bad decision to have a baby right now. You are very young with 2 children and a part time job. This is the time to build a more stable life for your children. Having more kids can come later when your relationship isn't unstable and you have more money behind you.

@Differentstarts i don’t really know why or what you are asking for on here. It sadly isn’t great and you aren’t getting the answers you want. Nothing we say or do is going to stop u having a baby. It’s not the right thing to do but I think you have made your decision already.
Maybe once your daughters are older and end up going through similar you will see the impact that this has all had on them. You sound younger than 24 tbh.

OP please consider the risk that your next child could be born with a disability or additional needs. Not all babies are born healthy - would you be able to cope? How would the new baby impact your current relationship and children?

Would you really want to damage the stability you currently have just to (temporarily) remove your broodiness?

I agree with PPs - focus on your own health and being the best parent you can be. Once your current children are grown up you'll still be young enough for a third or fourth!

@IAKnowyou are you actually saying OP should have another baby right now? And that it's just AIBU posters being daft suggesting this isn't the right time? Pretty far fetched.

I think part of the problem is that you probably haven't experienced parenting in a committed, stable and supportive relationship, so you'd probably don't realise how important it is. After all, you managed without that with 1&2 right...

A relationship that you choose to have kids in shouldn't be unstable. It should have enough history behind it that you can be confident of it lasting. You need to be sure enough of their character, of how hard working they are, of how trustworthy they are, that you know it will be an equal partnership...

I've had a look at some of your previous posts, you clearly aren't in great physical shape either which is having an impact on you, are on a programme to reduce the risk of you developing T2 diabetes, which is alarming at such a young age. You've had issues with drugs and alcohol in the past, an unstable childhood (no criticism, it just furthers that you've not have much experience of stability). It's not that the first day abandoned his child, but you don't know who the dad is. This isn't many to be a criticism, the fact that you're in a semi stable relationship at all after the start you've had, is awesome, but I think it's masking the fact that a 2y one-off relationship is too unstable for more kids.

It's not never, just not now.

Do you have your own home and good income?
Plenty thousands in savings to cover mat leave and then childcare?

You are young
focus on the ones you have

I'm trying to be less impulsive and actually put thought into my decisions. If this had been a year ago I would already be pregnant and not thought anything of it. But I'm trying to change. I'm discussing it with my boyfriend, iv discussed it with my cpn and now I'm trying to get opinions of others which I did think a lot would think it was a bad idea at present but I thought it would be more mixed.

@Differentstarts don't forget that if your relationship did break down and you were single parenting, you can only claim benefits for two children - you won't get anything for your third (ot more)

But you aren't having another baby it's another person..its just a cute little baby for about 10 months. Even on a practical level 3 kids is a handful specially having 2 of the same gender close in age. Adding another into the mix isn't that simple. Just give yourself a few years to get settled, save money, you have soooo much time !

Give yourself some more time. EUPD is a tricky illness and I know you say you might never be fully 'well', but that's why you need to start with as stable a foundation as possible to give yourself all the support you need: a 2-year relationship is not that long in the grand scheme of things, especially when you already have children, and bringing a new baby (plus a change of meds) into it is likely to cause even less stability.

Go full-time at work if you're able and save some money, so that if your relationship doesn't work out you've got a safety net. Keep working with CMHT to get yourself as stable as possible. Give yourself longer as a couple with your partner and enjoy this time together - it sounds like he's happy to wait, so wait because you're only very young and you have plenty of time. It's not that people think someone with mental illness shouldn't have a child ever, but in a self-confessed unstable relationship that's relatively short when you're young to be having your first child never mind your third, there's a lot to think about and you have plenty of time to think and plan ahead. Recognising your impulsivity is a good first step: think of fighting that to plan carefully for another child in future as an investment in all your children's lives.

Also, you're broody for a baby. They're only babies for such a short time - then they're children, who need a lot of time and emotionally support and money spending on them. As the child of a mother who has variously been diagnosed with borderline personaity disorder, then bipolar, then EUPD (who knows what the correct diagnosis is!), it was at times difficult on us growing up. I'm not saying the same is true for your children, but making sure you're in the absolute best place to have another child if you want to in future would be my recommendation, so that you don't find yourself in a situation that causes you to struggle.

I'm trying to get opinions of others which I did think a lot would think it was a bad idea at present but I thought it would be more mixed.

And now that you see it's not really mixed, that most people think waiting is a good idea, can you delay. Even give yourself a year to think. What about doing something else to give novelty, a college course or something?

If I was in your position, this is what I would do:

1. Get your mental health sorted first. It will mean a better life for you, your existing children and your relationships (whether it's this one or a further one)

2. Then when you are in a solid, loving, health relationships (no one and off stuff) for 5 years, then consider having a child. You are still young and have plenty of time to have another in future.

I can't have any. I completely understand the bearing you speak about but it is absolutely something you can overcome and make peace with. Even discuss it with counsellers and your mental health team.

Tell them you need help dealing with the desire and help putting a 5 year plan in place to improve your mental health and to ensure you only have your next child when you are in a health and happy relationship.

What you want is possible but it will be far better if you allow it more time.

Take care of yourself first.

do you work OP?

I would focus right now on yourself and your current children. If you are not working, work.

I you end up breaking up with this bloke, you need something behind you i.e work/savings and stability for your kids

dont bring another in the world yet - you have loads of time to do that - sort yourself first

She said she works part time in her post.

Thankyou for your nice reply it's interesting what you said about your mums diagnosis as mines been the same bpd then bipolar then back to bpd. Now their currently monitoring to see if it's both.

Stress will massively impact your EUPD.
Babies bring stress.
In your position, I would concentrate on engaging in therapy and getting a little bit older before having more children. EUPD usually gets easier to manage as you age.

Ultimately you'll do as you wish, but I think you need to focus on clad iron stability in your life, maybe even get married, get some savings, work on stress management then have another baby.

And even kids to parents with stable MH are affected by having siblings

What is your financial position OP? If you receive benefits, you should be aware that there is a 2-child benefit cap so you wouldn't be able to claim benefits for your third child. That might mean that you would struggle financially.

I do appreciate all your replies and i am taking notice especially of the ones saying their not saying never but just right now might not be the best time. I don't want a massive age gap with my kids and I would prefer to have all my kids while I'm still fairly young but I think maybe waiting a year or 2 wouldn't hurt

Honestly it seems to me that all of these diagnoses are thrown at women in particular, especially women who had a difficult upbringing or some form of childhood trauma (not saying that's the case for you, but it seems to be a very common factor), and they're very much a balancing act to manage - I completely empathise how hard it must be and I think it's genuinely really good that you're trying to tackle the impulsivity part of it. And I think for the sake of your kids having the most stable possible upbringing you can give them, give yourself a little longer to be as well as possible while they're figuring out your diagnosis and your meds and what therapy you need (DBT has been very effective for my mum!). You're so young - you've got ages, and you'll be a better mum for having a stronger, more stable relationship and more time to plan :)

This. Do you miss the baby stages, or do you really see yourself with 3 adult children in 25 years time?

Have you thought about how a 3rd child would affect your older children in terms of your time and resources? And what if a 3rd child had significant medical illness or disability?

You have years to work on your mental health and either your relationship stabilisers or you might meet someone else. Literally so many options for you.

I had my first at 18 and I’m now having my second at 34. I’m a business owner, have been in my relationship for 5 years and am overall in a much better place

I’m so glad I waited, tbh I never felt broody whilst my first was growing up as I was wracked with guilt that I couldn’t give her a lot. My mental health was shot, my relationships were abusive and I was just about coping. I made it and she’s a lovely kid but I feel so much more confident this time round. I could not give one shit about the age gap

you’re so young and so are your kids, it really wouldn’t hurt to wait and build yourself a really strong future

Currently there's a 2 child limit on benefits so bear that in mind.

Get married first maybe? Give yourself something to focus on instead of a baby for now, then try afterwards

Honestly, I think you need to "get some perspective". It is that bad. You've had it tough in your young life. I think you'd be better to concentrate on healing as much as you can rather than try to make it better with babies.

You're still too young. Slow down!