To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

Sorry love. This thread must be hard

My eldest father isn't around my youngest father is involved and is a good dad. It's hard at time but they make me so happy. I have discussed it with my cpn and she said we can't tell you what to do as it's your decision to make but be mindful of the massive impact pregnancy can have on your body and mh and that I know from my other relationships things don't always have the happy ending you want. The biggest issue is I have to come of and change certain medications and dosages which does scare me as I'm quite stable at the moment

Is your name Katie Price OP?

Praying this is just a goady post

3 kids under 25 years is a lot to take on when you have EUPD.

I do understand the broodiness, OP.

You say that mental illness doesn't improve. But there are studies that show that most people with EUPD do improve as they get older.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4500179/

Why not wait a bit? You are still so young.

Nope. You need to focus on the children you have.
Improving your relationship and your mh .
It would be very selfish to have another child now.
You are far to young to be focusing all your happiness on a baby .
You sound impulsive and foolish to plan to be a single parent again .
You have plenty of time to have more in the future

She's 23. She has 12 years before she even needs to start thinking about losing her fertility. But even if she was 39 and exactly where she is now, unstable, mentally ill, in an on-off relationship and already with 2 kids, that's a shame, but it doesn't mean a child deserves to get dragged into it. Plenty of women never even get the chance to have one child. She's got 2 and they need to be her priority before bringing more instability into the mix.

Op, I understand how you feel because I was in a very similar boat to you when I was your age. My relationship didn't work out, and I didn't have the third baby I desperately wanted. And I am so so glad. Whilst some aspects of parenting do get easier as they get older, I can assure you that others get much much harder. I have also had my mental health struggles, and ensuring the needs of two dependent beings are always met is exhausting. My mental health has improved as they have gained bits of independence and I have been able to carve out time for myself and my dreams. But it is still very hard. Now, I'm sad to say I look forward to the youngest being that bit older that my life doesn't revolve around school pickups, ferrying to clubs, battling to get homework done, showers taken, bedrooms tidied (x infinity).
Most of my friends my age are just starting to have babies now. In stable relationships, with stable finances and secure social networks. When one is overwhelmed, there's someone there to take over. Two sets of supportive grandparents and aunts and uncles. Money for all the expensive things on the xmas list, holidays, days out etc. I don't regret having my kids when I did or they wouldn't be who they are. But I would not recommend it to anyone else. That kind of stability is something I am still working towards (though I'm getting closer all the time) and wish every day I had been able to give my kids from the start.
A baby might be what you want right now. But it is not what you need xxx

What else do you want OP other than a baby? What else do you enjoy/are interested in? Because you've have AGES ahead to have a baby. Plenty of time to let your relationship develop, give 100% of your parenting to your DC while they need you so much, and also do some things for you. Is there a job you fancy and want to work towards?

@Differentstarts Personality disorders often have a genetic/ heritable factor so your current children should be your utmost priority to ensure they grow up with as much stability and support as possible, you wouldn’t want your own kids to go through what you have been through in your life?

But you're not living your life. You may think you are but i guess you fell pregnant at 15 ? maybe 16 ? so being a Mum has been your role since you were a child yourself.

There is so much more to enjoy in life and plenty of time for another child if that's what you really want.

Enjoy the ones you have for a while. Make memories with them. Focus on yourself, your mental health, and making a good future for your children.
Please don't bring another child into another unstable relationship.

Because it’s not just about you. It’s about the two children you’ve already brought into this world. Your desires take a backseat to their needs—it’s part of being a grownup. All babies grow up—they aren’t babies for long and continuing to have babies just because you like them is not sustainable. I personally wouldn’t consider another baby until the following are achieved:

• on track with a private pension to take care of myself in my old age
• on the same page with DP, ideally married; he needs to want/be ready for the time/financial commitment of a baby
• a stable home that will not be overcrowded with the addition of a new baby; guarantees that I wouldn’t be kicked out
• strong, resilient mental health for 12+ months
• feeding/clothing/providing extras for my current children isn’t currently a stress or struggle; there is money left over at the end of the month to easily be allocated to the new baby’s expenses
• I had lots of time available to support current kids with homework and clubs, and the confidence that I could continue to support even whilst sleep-derived with a newborn

You are 23 years old and already have two children. Please, concentrate on them and focus on your life and ambitions. You are young. Having more children will just drag you down. Get into hobbies, study something new.

But what if it’s not a son? Is he mature enough for this?

You're getting some really blunt responses but that's mumsnet for you.

I'm very professionally familiar with eupd. My advice would be to get yourself in your best and most stable place first. Push for DBT if you haven't had it yet, learn all the skills, find some kind of employment you like (that comes with mat leave), go to college if you want to, get really good support in place.

I'd suggest seeing this as your last pregnancy and set yourself up so that in a year or two you are well and you can have the uneventful and settled pregnancy/early years you and your family deserve with no regrets.

This !!

Children of parents with mental health issues sadly do suffer. They live through the highs and lows alongside their parent. Alongside that, separation (especially your eldest who doesn’t see her father), the on and off nature of your relationship all create a very unstable home life. Children thrive on structure and routine, this is what helps them feel safe and secure.
I don’t mean to sound harsh and although I do not have a mental health condition however I do have a medical condition and the impact on my dd during my bad times is clear to see - her anxiety builds.
I fully understand being broody too, my dd was ivf. Due to my health and the impact of changing/switching meds during pregnancy I have very sadly came to the realisation that I can’t go through ivf again as I do not want to put my dd through the worry of me being unwell. Has it been easy? No. Am I sad about it and do I still get emotional? Yes.
Please focus on the girls you have, either build a strong and steady relationship with your partner or alone and appreciate what you do have. Another child to another father is not the answer here, especially when you are quite blasé about the relationship working out.

Then so be it. She already has 2.

It doesn't sound like OP is in the best position to do so at the moment

You need to remember that they don’t stay babies forever. What will you do when baby number 3 grows up and isn’t a sweet little baby any more? Would you want a fourth? Fifth? I think you may be addicted to wanting babies. I get it, I feel a lot of people would have more kids in the right circumstances. But let’s be honest, you’re not in the right circumstances.

You feel like you can raise your kids as a single mother (and well done you for doing it already). But it’s not fair on the child to purposely be brought into an unstable relationship. How will you provide for the kids? How will you juggle raising three kids whilst working? Do you have the appropriate accommodation to have a third? You are still so young. You’ve got plenty of time to have a third. Why the rush? Enjoy what you have. Enjoy your girls, get your mental health sorted and find yourself a stable relationship. You and your girls deserve the best 🥰

You're not a family. He is a boyfriend (an unstable one at that). You are a single mother to your children with a boyfriend. He's not even a husband and two years is barely even recent enough to call long term. He is not their father and making him a father to a new child for you to end up being a single parent to is playing with fire.

Focus on the children you have.

Two years isn’t that long. DH and I were dating since age 24 and had our first after 8 years together. You have loads of time.

3 kids, 3 different dads, mum who is mentally unwell... what could possibly go wrong?

Seriously. The very FACT that you are considering this. @Differentstarts is proof that you are struggling mentally.

Obviously you are being unreasonable and if you can't see that, it's actually really concerning. You need to prioritise the children you do have. It isn't about YOU. There is nothing wrong with being a single mum and I'm not single mum shaming but to plan a child when you know the relationship isn't stable (which is bad enough for your existing kids without adding a sibling) and knowing you could end up with 3 kids with 3 dads is appalling. Yes people end up in situations which aren't of their doing but this would be. With respect, grow up before you start having more children. And end the relationship as it isn't serving your children if its unstable. Remember you're meant to be putting them first and it sounds like you very much aren't.

How old is your partner OP? You should wait a year and see how you feel then, if this relationship isn't the one then you've got loads of time to find someone else and have a chance at having that 'proper family'. Your kids will be disadvantaged by you being a single young mum with a low part time income, and far more so if you have a third. So give it another year and then rethink the plan depending on how life is going then. Ultimately you could do everything right and still end up a single mum, and of course your kids will love you anyway, but you deserve that shot at a stable family unit with your next baby and so does the future baby