To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

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Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

Pls don't have another baby yet.

Wait till you're married, until you have a career or stable full time job, your MH is on a more even keel and you're not pushing away your partner.

You said you've been together 2 years, but also say it's been on again and off again. This is not a stable relationship of any description.

I work with vulnerable children and many come from home where parents have MH issues and it's only when they reach their teens that you see the impacts. Many end up turning to drink and drugs to cope from the turmoil and from Dads coming and going in their lives.

Stabilise your relationship, get married so you have security as well, get a full time job, maybe even look at buying a house and really work on your MH. Then in a decade have another look and consider if a child is right then.

You re so young. You have a long way to go to mature and with the right therapy (and potentially meds) you can be in a much better mental space in few years.
how do kids suffer from having another sibling yoy ask? They have unstable life as it is, a mom who by your admission isnt stable either. You only work part time which they’re still a bit young so don’t feel it yet, but soon they’ll need more things and activities and with one more kids and a part time job, if this guy also walks out, their lives will not be the best. Focus on your kids, maybe skill up, find a better/ full time job, maybe some hobbies and see if in a few years you’re still up for a kid and in a better mental space.

Most don't have a serious mental health issue.

Excellent advice

Because sometimes having an illness, be it mental,or physical does put limits on what you are going to be able to do in your life. Just as having a small income means you are unlikely to ever live in a town house in Chelsea, or drive a Maserati. It is just the way things are, and you have to suck it up and deal with your life as it is, not how you wish it would be .

At the moment you have two healthy children and someone who sounds as though he is a good partner to you, so from what sounds like a not very promising start to your life you have got some really good things going for you and your little family. My advice is count your blessing for the time being, you are very young, and have plenty of time for another baby in the future.

Concentrate for now on giving your girls the best life you can, encourage them to be kind, make sure they are happy, warm and well fed, look after their teeth, help them to get the best out of their education.

What is your relationship like with the fathers of your current children?

How are you coping with looing after them and managing your mental health problems?

What does your MH Team say when you discuss your urge for another child?

How will pregnancy and the responsibility of another child impact your current MH journey?

I have so many questions, but no vision of how another baby improves yours and your children's lives.

A new baby isnt going to create a family. Its you and your partner who need to do that.

Because you have other lives to think of

It is absolutely irresponsible and completely selfish for this OP to have a third child. Do people like you ever consider the actual child and future adult in these situations? Or is it just ooh ikkle babby if you want one, have one. So utterly selfish.

Absolutely not. You're only 23. Your relationship isn't stable. Clearly your MH isn't. It would be selfish to hsve another child

If you have EUPD the desire for a third baby to love is most likely a symptom of your illness. I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into the world to fulfil your need for a baby to love you unconditionally. What happens in your years when the child starts school, and you feel broody again? It’s very hard to grow up in a family where the mother has mental health problems.

Are you in a stable housing situation?

Would this man who’s been with you for almost 2 years, marry you before having a third baby? If it’s not temporary and he is serious about raising the girls and any children that may come, he will spend £100 on getting married at the registry office next week. Because he (and you) must realise how vulnerable it is for a woman to leave work again for several months to raise a baby, without any financial protection from the father, right? If he loves you and is committed to creating “a real family”, he will marry you and commit financially as well. So that you are not left hanging if something happens down the line.

What do you think about this, and what would he say?

No child deserves to be brought into a known unstable relationship.

That's for the parents' benefit not the child.

Sorry, that sounds very naive.

Temporary, we've been together nearly 2 years. We live together, split bills and raise 2 children together. It's not some random

On and off. And 'nearly' two years. And you're very young.

It's a terrible idea. But you sound like you're going to do it regardless. Maybe your kids can be the ones to break the cycle because it's wonderful when someone does.

I’m sorry but this is a bad idea. You’ve been in a relationship with your partner for only 2 years at 23. I would never consider it, is too soon, specially if you already know is unstable. You’ll have 3 baby daddies at such young age and I don’t think this is normal. Even though you have 2 kids, with all the respect you seem immature as you can’t see where the problem is. Give yourself some time, and in a few years maybe you can have more. What about your financial situation?

Look at it this way, OP has 2 children already. She provides for them from what we have been told, and they have a father figure in their lives at present.
OP has acknowledged their mental health struggles, and said they are currently supported by a MH team.
Being mentally unwell does not mean you can't be a parent. This is awful to elude to. It is 2024.
She has said that she takes responsibility for the instability of her relationship, as she is prone to pushing people away. Again, this is something that can be worked on, and who's to say they aren't working on it already?
Real life is not sunshine and rainbows. Real life doesn't always work out as we want it to, and it's not always ideal.
It would be lovely if everybody was to have the perfect living situation before having children. But it often doesn't work that way.
If you're suggesting OP wait.. what if the perfect relationship doesn't come along? What if she misses her opportunity to have children?
She wants to have another child. That's her decision. She's asked for advice yes.. but you're probably not going to change her mind !

I agree with the above ^^

OP could you train to work in a nursery, school or another job where you have contact with babies and young children? It will fill the broodiness hole while you’re working on being the best mum you can to the children you already have

Temporary, we've been together nearly 2 years. We live together, split bills and raise 2 children together. It's not some random

So what happens when you're going through an 'off' phase?

Honestly, I now see why scientists say that the brain doesn't mature until about 25. Grow up and focus on your DC rather than your own selfish desires.

She has got children.
Two of them.

And the father figure is 'at present'
Who knows how long he'll be around?

How involved are the other two?

What if she misses her opportunity to have children?

Eh? She already has two.

Perhaps considering the actual lives of these existing children is more important than encouraging OP to add a third into the mix?

As someone who’s mother has never been ‘100% mentally well’, had undiagnosed bpd, should never really have had children in her mindstate, and who took her own life 3 days ago, PLEASE do not bring anymore children into this. The effect it has on them, especially as you’re admitting you will never be 100% mentally well, is immense. You have no idea if it’ll progress to be worse as you get older. The more children my mum had the worse she got, and honestly we’ve all got a huge amount of trauma because of it. Please focus on the two you’ve got and find healthy ways to try and manage your mental state rather than bringing more children into the picture who could potentially just end up suffering.

this is before even touching on the issues around the ‘unstable relationship’.

What if she misses her opportunity to have children?

She HAS two children. And she's very young so has at least 10 years to have another if she'd like (and is stable enough).

The people who are important are the two existing children. Having a mum with EUPD is really rough on children. Really rough. I wonder if you are aware of the symptoms. www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms/

Does that sound like a safe and secure parental relationship?

Please don't have another baby yet.

Spend this time working on yourself, getting better coping mechanisms of when you are going through bad bouts of EUPD.

Invest this time in really becoming ultra stable with your partner - 2 years is not long, particularly if you have been breaking up and then getting back together again. Plus you are only 23 - you are not fully developed yet.

I know the broody feelings but you need to think bigger picture and do what is best for you & your DC first, then your BF. A few more years of investing in your own mental health and solidifying what you have with your BF is what most people are suggesting

First time I’ve seen a unanimous 100% YABU on a MN poll. That says it all. Don’t do it.