To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

@Differentstarts EMDR is a therapy that can make a big difference to EUPD because it processes the trauma at its root, in a very powerful but gentle way.

Made a big difference for me.

You can ask for it on the NHS if you can't afford it. x

That’s really good of you then and shows how far you’ve come. Well done op. (Replying to where you said you came on here instead of just doing it).

This sounds a really good plan. Maybe give it a year and see where you are then and see if another year would be a good idea. I know at 23, two years feels a loooong time and you’re getting advice from many people much older who know how long it really takes to work someone out as a partner (unfortunately from experience). It would also be nice to get your youngest really settled for a few years in school before you focus on a baby.

I'm older than you but have 2 and would like a third so I kind of know how you feel, but..
It sounds like you've been in care and had a lot of challenges in your life, you're very young and have been looking after your children during the years when most people are being selfish and focusing on their own lives.
Now your 2 children are getting that bit more independent, you could have the chance to focus on yourself and do some things that you want. You could train, get qualifications, get a well paid rewarding job for example, one day buy a house..
In any case 2 years is too short a relationship to be having children, especially when you're both so young. Wait till you've been together 5 years, take some time to think about your own future, and then if you're still keen, go for it.

I 100% agree with you about diagnosis. Being female with a history of trauma. Unfortunately they don't offer dbt in my area so it's not an option

I do want a 3rd child at some point but I think your right I miss the baby stage. I miss the cuddles the cuteness the smiles

You mentioned that you work part time. How many hours a week do you work?

Also, you said that your current relationship has been on and off. How much time have you actually been together?

Honestly, I would say it would be best to focus on your children, your mental health, and building a career that would allow you to be financially independent. You're so young, give yourself some time to concentrate on these aspects of your life, not having another baby.

That is not a good reason to bring a human being into this world. Your relationship is new, you are young. You have 2 healthy young children. This is why cycles don’t get broken.

16 hours a week. We have been together more then not he's brilliant it's me. I push people away but he's the first person who has understood this and let me go through my process and is always there waiting when I want him back.

I know its just hard when you see pregnant women and babies everywhere. It's like when your looking for a car and you suddenly really notice everyone's car. I will get past it, it just really hurts right now.

16 hours of work per week is not much at all. Would you be able to support 3 children financially if you had to? I would really encourage you to move towards full time work and a decent career. You could return to education or training to help with that. There is always time for another baby once you are in a more stable position, in terms of both your relationship and your financial situation.

OP is not well and might not be able to work full time. Not everyone can.
Also, a lot of women work 16 hours and then top it up maybe and they would be worse off financially or in other ways if they did more.

I loved all that too, and I get where you are coming from. I had two miscarriages on the way to having my 3rd child, and I was old enough then to have been your mother! I think in another world, I could happily have had baby after baby, but you have to stop at some point.

You've got years and years ahead of you to do that. I think if you had a 3rd, you'd then want a 4th, and on and on. Your 7 and 4 year olds are still cute too, will still love cuddles and smiles! You can look forward to having a 3rd baby sometime in the future - the door is not closed. They're only babies still really!

You have had your partner's support for the last 2 years - but how do you think it would be if you and he split up, and you had 3 children all on your own? Do you have any family support at all? (sounds as though you may not?) I'm sure you don't want to repeat the cycle of what you've gone through with your own girls, and you don't want to find yourself in a position where you can't cope.

Your girls are lovely ages and I think you'd be best off using this time to concentrate more on you. On healing, on improving your mental health, maybe some training that would enable you to have a better quality of life even if you did end up single again.

I will say @Differentstarts I think there's usually plenty of room to improve/things to do that can improve your mental health.

Especially at 23, there will be loads of things that haven't been tried yet. x

I have bipolar BTW and I had 2 miscarriages but I don't regret not having had children now, because I don't think I would've coped easily with any.

Then you seem to have some control over this type of hurtful behaviour. My fear is as the children get older and become adults you will start to use this tactic on them too. It’s quite a manipulative behaviour to get attention and “love”, teenagers are programmed to push boundaries and I expect you will start to use this behaviour on them then. Ive seen it over and over. Your will end up estranged from your kids. You need to get yourself sorted and get help 🙏 you deserve support and help, but a baby won’t provide that.

I would wait until both girls are in high school so say when your 30 and then review having a baby with boyfriend or even 2. Let's you devote your time to the kids that you have and assure yourself your in a stable relationship for the long haul.

What a vile thing to say I'm not manipulative and I'm not trying to get attention. I have massive trust issues and abandonment issues this unfortunately causes me to push people away. My children who I have a strong bond with and are a part of me are different and i would never push them away and saying my kids will leave me when their older is a nasty thing to say. What makes you so convinced your kids won't leave you it's not like your a nice person

You shouldn't even have to ask, leave your unstable relationship and concentrate on your children you have.

I'm not leaving him

I'm not addicted to babies. Iv had 2 children and would like a 3rd. That's a normal amount. I don't plan on having like 10 kids

But you're only 23. You had your first child when you were only a child yourself - 16. You have never been an adult without having kids! You don't know what it's like.

You don't need to have a child with every boyfriend.

Please get some counselling or help for your EUPD and look after your own dc and work on yourself instead of having yet another dc.

Do you have RL support? A family? What do they say?

Differentstarts · Today 19:15
I do appreciate all your replies and i am taking notice especially of the ones saying their not saying never but just right now might not be the best time. I don't want a massive age gap with my kids and I would prefer to have all my kids while I'm still fairly young but I think maybe waiting a year or 2 wouldn't hurt

........

That sounds very, very sensible. Stick to that. In the meantime try to be involved in other things you enjoy, that give you satisfaction, whether it is your job or something unpaid. It is important to have a life outside of your family.

You can do EMDR with the help of videos on Youtube. Take a look, there are quite a few.

Good luck

No i don't have family

Thankyou I didn't realise there were videos on YouTube il have a look

This exactly. The idea of the baby is unconditional love and to act as a diversion from everything else going on with the MH issues.

Really the baby will make life much harder and likely have an adverse impact on your existing children and the possible consequences with SS involvement etc. if your MH actually declines as a result will be awful.

Please focus on the treatment for your MH to improve your and your childrens situation. At 23 you have plenty of time to think about extending your family once you improve your MH.

Abandonment issues explains a lot!

It's really common for girls who grew up in care to have babies very young, as there is a craving for something that will love you unconditionally and babies can't abandon you. Attempting to seek out that family unit you never experienced, except so far all you've done is expose your children to an unstable home life.

It's great that your current boyfriend is sticking by and supporting you, but 2 years is absolutely nothing in the terms of a stable relationship. You need to be married, you need to be working more than the bare minimum and you need to experience being an adult with kids and not a kid with kids.

Also, I have 3 kids and had them all within 4 years and the practicalities of 3 is a lot. Most normal cars won't fit them in so if you or your partner drive you will need a bigger car, so you'll have that expense on top, you can't get in a taxi easily as you need a 7 seater which is more expensive and not ao readily available, you need a decent size 3 bed house at least as 2 kids will have to share and then when they get older you need a 4 bed as they don't want to share. Which is EXPENSIVE, especially renting. If you're in social housing the chances of a transfer to a 4 bed is minimal, in the housing association i work for the wait is around 10 years on average. You can't book one hotel room, you need 2 which doubles holiday costs. If you're on benefits there is a 2 child cap, babies are expensive!

It's not just cute baby snuggles and a "family" it's practicalities which affect everyone and cause a lot of stress.