To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

OP - I think you should think about from a long term perspective - you may want third, however they not be thankful for situation you actively chose to bring them in. Also, you need to consider that your condition may impact on the relationship you build with your children as they get older.

You’ll only have your ‘proper’ family when you are in a stable relationship. Don’t get pregnant because of some idealised image in your head.

We really need to licence for parenthood.

Bas idea for all the reasons cited already. If you love babies, what about training to work in a nursery or even paediatric nursing?

I think a lot of people can understand the broodiness, OP! It’s not an uncommon experience. However, it’s worth remembering that a core symptom of EUPD is difficulty tolerating strong emotions, which can lead to problematic behaviours and decisions. Most of us just sit with those feelings of broodiness, and accept the discomfort. This isn’t a feeling you need to act on.

The research shows that a reasonable proportion of people actually experience stabilization of symptoms as they approach their late 20’s. A reasonable enough proportion that it’s worth hedging your bets that you will be in that group, and can then REALLY enjoy another baby. The more stress you put yourself under, the less likely you are to be in that group.

I’d also recommend doing some reading around ADHD and making sure it’s not complicating your mental health picture. It’s not uncommon for women with EUPD to have ADHD missed, even though ADHD symptoms may be amplifying impulsivity, chaotic lifestyles and behaviours, rejection sensitivity, and dysregulation.

To make sure you learn to tolerate the emotion and don’t rush in (to support good decision making), perhaps in the conversation with your boyfriend, you could agree you would both like a child together and will revisit the conversation in 12-months, and set some goals for that year. If things are still stable and you have both been able to generally meet your individual and relationship goals, then give yourself permission to go for it. Allowing yourself future permission may make it easier to tolerate the emotion right now, and when the emotion comes, you have goals to work toward so you can meet the emotion with action.

You don't sound like you should have had any children tbh. You're too young and unstable.

Not preventing pregnancies and multiple fathers, short term relationships etc. What do you think you're teaching your girls?

My sympathy for your mental health struggles ends with the lifetime impact you're having on your children.

You said you push/pull your partner, do you do that with your kids too?

Just no.

Are we going to pay for this child or are you going to pay for it?

He's 24

I worked for social services for a bit…I can predict your future..and it’s not pretty, please don’t have any more kids just yet. Sort yourself out, get some therapy, stablise and heal. Please 🙏

You have so much time OP you are so young, I would wait a few years concentrate on the two you have x

No never

She has two kids not twenty.

Wtf is wrong with you?

It’s obvious you’re very emotionally unstable and make impulsive decisions (and diagnosed as such). Why on Earth do you think having another baby would be a good idea? You feel emotional when you see a baby and feel like crying because you aren’t emotionally stable - this is not a normal reaction.

Stop being so selfish and consider the baby you would be bringing into an unstable situation. Maybe you are ok being a single mother but I'm sure the baby would prefer to not to be born into an unstable situation.

I'm going to be really blunt here though I am sure you won't pay a blind bit of notice, and you'll be juggling fathers around for the next 20 years or more.

You are far too young to tie yourself down any more. You've been a mum since you were 17 ffs. What are you actually going to do with your life? You can't support the children you already have on a PT wage!!

You have an unstable relationship so the idea of launching a baby into that scenario is stupid and irresponsible. You have years ahead of you to have more babies. Why not wait until you are in a settled, happy, long-term relationship. Two years isn't long. I'd be heartbroken if you were my daughter. I have two, both older than you, and instead of making babies while they were barely out of childhood, they've gone to uni, they've lived abroad, they've established careers for themselves. I was with my DH for 5 years before we got married, and we had our first baby 7 years after that. Still managed to have three.

Three children is a LOT. We both had good salaries, owned our own home, and it got more expensive as they got older, not less.

You would be best advised to stick with the medication that is currently working for you and not mess around with it to be pregnant.

Find something else to fill your life up rather than another baby. Do something with it; put yourself in a better position to have a baby later if that's what you want to do.

You've already got a child whose father isn't in the picture. Now that's not your fault, but how sad it is that her sister has her dad and she doesn't. Who's to say your current boyfriend would stick around if you had another baby? Presumably you didn't think the first one was going to fuck off leaving you holding the baby literally?

Just don't.

Right let's get some perspective. I got pregnant at 15 I was in care really vulnerable and was groomed by older men. Got moved away and had my baby. I then after a couple of years got into a relationship with my first proper boyfriend and I ended up pregnant. We where to young the relationship broke down but he's a decent dad and remains in my daughters life. I'm now in another relationship we have been together nearly 2 years and are discussing about having a baby together. He's been brilliant with the kids I have and handles my mental illness really well. We very rarely fight and he works full time and provides for us. When it's broken down I really don't think it's that bad

I still think you would be better waiting and trying to improve your life and your 2 daughters without having a 3rd dc.

I have 3,it is jolly hard work

Sadly, reading this, it is in fact “that bad.”

It's not that bad. But on AIBU people will tell you is absolutely IS that bad

I think it’s less bad than the previous 2 experiences. That doesn’t mean is smart, though.

You were so young when you first got pregnant, did you ever get the chance to ask yourself who you are, what you want from life, and how you can achieve that independently?

I am a strong believer in a couple raising children together. But I am an even stronger believer in those two adults knowing who they are, and being able to support themselves individually, first.

Would you be able to support 3 children alone, emotionally and financially, should something happen?

I’m not saying your boyfriend leaving you. But he gets in a car accident, or contracts a long-term illness - what would be of you all?

His frontal lobe won’t even be fully developed for another year.