To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. I meant to just give you a different perspective. From the outside it looks manipulative - you are trying to get your needs met, but it harms other people. Children grow up and it’s natural for kids to “pull away” from their parents, ie fly the nest. I’ve seen it thousand times before (I work in this area). It’s common for ppl with EUPD/BPD to then start this behaviour with their older children, which actually does the opposite and pushes their kids further away. I understand at the moment you couldn’t imagine that happening. I urge you to read some books on it, it’s eye opening. I use to be like you too. That is how I ended up working in this field. Sorry if this advice comes across blunt and straight to the point. If I had more time I would sugar coat it and make it easier to digest.

This is everything that is wrong with the mental health care in this country. You work with people with eupd and you think their manipulative and attention seeking. This is not what eupd is and it builds on stigma. It's bad enough when the general population think like this but when people who work in the profession also think like this it's so damaging. The majority of people diagnosed with eupd is due to severe trauma in childhood and realistically should be diagnosed with cptsd. The average person with eupd grows up in a world where they are let down from professionals and all the people that should protect them. They then grow into adulthood and yet again are surrounded by professionals who let them down. If you can't stop being so judgemental and keeping adding to the stigma surrounding an already heavily stigmatised illness then your in the wrong line of work.

OP I think you are making a strong decision to wait a couple of years. Meanwhile you can focus on you, the DC and perhaps your job/career?

It's so important to model good standards to our kids, especially girls.

I'm a lone parent, have been for 15 years to DD15, and whilst it's been challenging at times working full time and raising her the key thing to remember is that our job as parents is to bring up independent adults. We have to model that behaviour for them to learn what that means.

I think you are being given a hard time on here, but it sounds like to me you have done a good job with the cards you were dealt.

Unreasonable, no. Unwise yes.

What if I never get better.

Then you accept that you'll never have a third child. I say this as the child of a parent with bipolar disorder. You don't say "if I'm going to be unwell forever I'll choose to have another child anyway".

Focus on creating a stable life for your existing children. You may not push/pull them but they will be affected by your doing so to your boyfriend (as would a baby, much more so if it's their dad).

Hi OP

I have the same diagnosis as you, but am much older.

I had two kids in my 20’s with my ex husband who was abusive.

After I eventually left him I took some years to just parent my kids well and concentrate on my mental health.

I’m now 41 and happily remarried and have been very stable for 10yrs now. When I remarried I was DESPERATE to have a 3rd - my husband doesn’t have any children of his own and I really wanted to give him that.

But we both knew it just wasn’t the right thing to do and would be selfish. My two kids have already experienced enough hardship - they deserve stability and no more upheaval in their lives.

It requires a lot of mental energy to ‘stay well’ with EUPD/Borderline (they are the same thing). You have to actively maintain your recovery every day, using all the skills you’ve learned, staying aware and conscious of your thinking and emotional state at all times so you can intervene appropriately if needed. I take that very seriously because my children need and deserve me to be well and stable.

A 3rd child would risk that.

Ive focused on my existing children, on my own mental health, on my healthy loving marriage, and on my career (I now work FT in MH in a specialist personality disorder service).

I know how much it hurts, how much you ache for it. But please don’t rush into this.

And please DONT attempt EMDR by yourself off YouTube. You might get away with it if it was for a single incident trauma experienced as an adult in an otherwise mentally healthy adult - but you have complex childhood trauma and serious mental disorder - you need to do it with a therapist to stay safe. I have done it myself with a therapist and it was amazing, but it is HARD and distressing and you need proper therapeutic support with our diagnosis.

I say this with deep respect for you.

Having a child is NOT the right response to being broody. Being broody is a something you are experiencing now. Parenting is for life. You became a parent at 16? It is all you have ever known. There is more to life and relationships. Other things to look forward to - education, jobs, promotions, travel, etc. all of these become infinitely harder the more children you have before you have.

You have two children. I’m sure they are beautiful and lovely and deserve a Mum who is well, happy and able to meet their needs. Not only now but in the future. What if baby three tipped your mental health in the wrong direction? What if in year 6 one of your children started to struggle, would you have the skills and means to either sit with them every night for an hour or more to help, or get a tutor? Or would you already be too stretched? Kids needs don’t diminish as they get older, they increase in ways that require more creative and flexible parenting. It isn’t as simple as getting up and feeding them or changing a nappy. You don’t need to be wealthy to be a good parent, but you do need to exercise wisdom. It isn’t about what you want. It is about what your children need and deserve.

if you and this boyfriend are still together and are thriving when you are 30. If you can meet the needs of your children and they are thriving at older age. If you are mentally well, if you have the finances, then maybe it’s time, then. Between now and then find other things to look forward to - mental health stability, a job, or course, volunteering at their school. Something that isn’t just more dc.

Being a parent isn’t actually about having children. It is about a 20+ year commitment, planting the seeds that help them grow and flourish long term. That includes time to support their education, give them experiences, be there to help them navigate hard things which only increase with age and if I’m honest break any cycles that exists in families - whether that’s a cycle of poverty, broken relationships, teenage parenthood. Our kids deserve us to be willing to do this. To show them with our own actions, not just words. It is hard work. It is taking the spotlight off the ‘big’ things that bring us excitement and doing the daily grind that lays a solid family foundation. If your daughter was you, would you want your life for her and another baby? Or would you hope there were other opportunities she could have too?

In your situation I’d focus very much on laying that foundation. Your children already have major losses. Look at what a commitment to them and them alone right now could give them. It’s priceless.

So maybe this has been useful, to see that most people think that ending up as a single parent of 3 children by 3 different men (which would be the likely outcome), isn't a great idea.

Eupd ,was one of the things I nearly got diagnosed with before my autism diagnosis...my doctor said many autistic people are misdiagnosed with eupd or BPD when it's actually autism.
With women it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack trying to diagnose between eupd , bipolar,ADHD and autism.
And just to confuse folks very few people are diagnosed with just autism.
Sometimes it's easier for professionals to give a label of eupd ,rather than spend time working out what really is the diagnosis.its like a catch all for complicated cases .

I wouldn't. Why not look at working in childcare and get your baby fix that way?

100%

You need therapy OP, not a baby. Do some work on yourself, heal that trauma, looks like having babies makes you happy and give you that temporary happiness dopamine fix, a bit like crack…

Again you are expecting everyone to see it from your point of view, whilst not being able to see what it’s like for other people around you 🤷‍♀️

See what?

Excellent post.
I work in maternity and I see so many young women like the OP.
It's always the children who lose out.
Please don't do this OP.

Put the children you have first not yourself