To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

I know that feeling. A lot of women get it and it can feel especially strong if evening else is a bit shit as it’s the one thing that makes you happy. But you know you’re not well. Think about your girls and think about every single thing they’ve gone through and will continue to go through. They absolutely must come first of course you can have another baby, but how many do you want in total? What if you get this feeling again and again? As you’re so young, do you want to end up with 8 or 9? Can you support them all financially and emotionally? How do things look in 5 years time - have you got a good job or studied or had some fun just for you yet? You can’t do any of those things with young kids. They must come first.

No this sounds like an absolutely terrible idea.

You do not need 3 children at 23.

My mum had EUPD and was addicted to having babies as a way to fill a hole that couldn't get filled.

Be really honest with yourself. This isn't the right thing. It doesn't mean never, but having a baby now won't do what you want it to do. You're in an unstable relationship and have two young kids already. This isn't the same as a stable person deciding to have another baby.

Does your partner want to have a child with you at the moment?

I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before.

You still are doing it with your two. They are still small children with needs.

I'm going to be candid because in my job I see a lot of mums with EUPD, head injuries and/or trauma. What I see is a lot of wanting babies because they are perfect and new and novel and will 'fix' everything. Then they become complex young people with needs and wats and they aren't perfect any more so they need to be replaced with babies. I also see women having babies in terrible relationships because the mums are trying to 'fix' their lives. And think that creating a family will make the past different. And, tragically, I see the teenage products of this life. Almost always with trauma and MH issues, anxiety and depression. It's nature and nurture. They have genetic predisposition, plus they've been parented in a less safe and more chaotic way. They've had absent or bad fathers, and single mums who aren't able to parent in a safe and stable way. They struggle and suffer.

You're broody. When you have two children already, you need to understand that their needs come before your wants. If you can't do that, you can't parent and therefore shouldn't have another.

What I suggest is reading parenting books, taking parenting classes, throw everything into parenting the girls you have really well. Take that broodiness and put it into the children you have. Make time and space to nurture and love them. Find ways to connect. Learn all about their hobbies and likes. Be the best mother you can be to the existing children.

You can change the script in your family and make a different life than you had. But you can't do that by having more babies with a different man, in a chaotic relationship.

YABU.

Be grateful for what you have.

Some do though. Can you really afford that many? Can you give them everything they need? Having a baby in a poor relationship on purpose is selfish isn’t it? You need to at least admit that. Yorue doing it for you.

You literally just typed that your other two children weren't exactly planned... and followed it up by saying you don't plan on having like 10 kids.
Why don't you use this time to, you know, plan how to help yourself feel better and properly care for the kids you already have. Broody at 23 and you simply can't wait? Get off it.

You can't see the immaturity in your responses, but they are exactly that.

I acknowledge you have mh issues so I won't be as direct as perhaps is deserved. It is a very bad idea to have another child. You do not need to have a child every time you have a relationship.

Being broody is not a reason to have a third child by a third father bringing them into the world not even knowing if you are in a stable relationship or not.

Whether it's something you're working on or not please don't bring another child into the world if you are even the slightest bit unsure.

You are 23. Enjoy your children and your life / relationship before more children. I didn't have my first until I was 10 YEARS older than you, you have plenty of time.

If you have a child every time you feel "broody" you will have 15 by the time you reach my age! Don't be so young and silly and selfish.

Financially they would because you wouldn't get an UC for them.

No it's a bloody terrible idea and enormously selfish.

Nothing about your post says that you are in a position to have yet another child.

Completely selfish to consider another one. Concentrate on your daughters. Otherwise you’ll be posting in a few years time saying how unfair it is that you can’t afford nice things for your daughters and how some people get lucky in life and have more money.
It’s usually not luck, it’s sensible planning and considering everyone involved. That includes your existing children.

All of this.

Keep reading it until it sinks in.

Do you work @Differentstarts?

If you genuinely think you’ll never get better then how on earth can you think it’s fair on your babies?

Do you or father(s) pay for these children or does tge tax payer? If the latter get a job, the desire will pass.

If you never get better you do the best you can for your existing children, you don't add extra stress in the form of more babies, it's quite worrying that you don't understand this.
Read a few threads on here about people that have been brought up by parents with poor mental health....it should open your eyes.
Also your 'unstable' relationship is damaging for the children you already have, stability is key for children to thrive.

Are you happy to parent three teenagers with eupd?

Don't. You are 23 and have enough children already. Why on earth would you want a third? The idea is madness.

Being broody is not a good enough reason!

I posed this question also and still await the answer...

Your kids are very young. Please don’t give up on them. You baby them and give them what they need. Be strong, be a good mum and wait until you can give that new baby everything.

I work part time, my boyfriend works full time.